1st birthday

So I’m adopted and I’ve invited both my birth parents and adoptive parents to my l.o. 1st birthday. My adoptive mom is extremely jealous that I have my birth mom involved. Please tell me all things that could go wrong bc I’m super nervous.

  • CJN
    Mar 07

    Happy almost 1st bday to your little one! Such an exciting moment. The main focus should be about you and your baby and (no disrespect) to your adoptive mom but she should put that aside.. if you want to invite both, have both in your babies life she should be able to get together for special events like this. I'm sorry your going through this I hope everything works out for you!

  • Rissa
    Mar 07

    So then it would be totally okay to show her the door if she got out of hand with her jealously

  • Vicki
    Mar 07

    Sit down with your mom beforehand and talk to her about it. Let her express her feelings and tell her that you understand. Then explain your feelings and why it’s important to you to have both of them there and that it doesn’t take away from how you feel about her. Hopefully that helps. But if it doesn’t and she can’t act like an adult, you could ask her to leave the party or if necessary uninvite her before the party. Don’t be nervous because it is not up to you to manage other adults’ behavior. You do what you need to do to have a great party and enjoy your baby. One last thing, if you think it’s necessary and you have a partner or friend or other family member who is willing to run interference for you the day of the party, let that person handle it before it becomes drama.

  • Rissa
    Mar 07

    Thank you so much!

  • Anonymous
    Mar 07

    I can understand to some extent why your adoptive mother would be upset. I have a family member who got pregnant in high school and then decided she was too young/not ready/etc to have the baby. She never held the baby and signed off rights immediately upon birth. Two weeks later she met the adoptive parents, talked to them, signed off final paperwork, and left. I’m sure it was very hard for her. She went on to college, lived her life, then got married and tried to have children but learned she couldn’t for medical reasons. At this point the child she gave to the adoptive parents was in their early teens. She tried to find them but was unsuccessful for a few years. Then her husband hired a PI and the child was found. At this point they were nearly done with high school. They’d had an amazing life and had thrived. They knew they were adopted but hadn’t made the decision to find their bio mom. They weren’t ready to see her and waited several years to reach out. When they did, my family member tried very hard to “make up” for lost time. Now she’s very much a part of their lives and it hurts the adoptive parents a great deal. They deal with it but they don’t like it. She kind of wedged her way in many years after making a hard decision and she did so because she couldn’t go on to have more children. While at the same time, the adoptive parents did all of those parenting things. The sleepless nights, the bonding, dealing with heartbreak and teen years, etc etc. I haven’t lived it myself but it’s got to be so difficult and scary. So I give this advice...of course, have and invite whomever you want to your beautiful child’s first birthday. This is your life and you shouldn’t have to make excuses or apologize for any of it. But also, spend just a little time reflecting and try to put yourself in your adoptive parents shoes. They “chose” you. They love you, unconditionally. Your bio mom does too and I don’t mean to diminish her role (nor do I mean to assume the circumstances of your adoption). But just suspend reality for a moment and put yourself in their shoes in the context of your own child. Imagine how you would feel. I’m sure you can understand....then invite your adoptive mom for a chat, talk to her openly and express why this is important to you. She’s your mom too, and for better or worse, she’s likely going to require some extra processing time to accept this. I feel that now that I’m a mother myself I can empathize so much more with my own. I’m not sure who you consider your mom (or if you call them both that name), but remember that one carried you and gave you 40 weeks of nutrition, warmth, and love and prepared you for the outside world and the other gave you all the time after that. They both shaped you and they both deserve some credit here. In the same way your adoptive mom also deserves some time to process and prepare for your bio mom now being part of your and her grandchild’s life. Good luck, mama. That’s a real cutie you got there❤️😍.

  • Megan
    Mar 07

    I agree you should sit with her beforehand and talk to her about what you will not allow. It’s can be hard to parent you parent but honestly sometimes you have to. My first born was 5 days old when my parents who were married for 30+ years started a very messy separation that led to a messy divorce, which we are still going through to this day. I have had to on several occasions remind them on how to act at our family events. They have gotten better with the consistency of us adult kids not letting them be rude to each other. We spent this last Christmas all locked up in a cabin 8 hours away and they were surprisingly civil. But it’s taken several talks and them knowing that if they want to be involved with the grandkids (my kids and my sisters kids) than they need to be respectful to each other in ours and our kids presence. I turn into momma bear when it comes to kids and will not allow their anger at each other change the atmosphere of my events.

  • Anonymous
    Mar 07

    I should have also said that things take time. I come from a huge family where both my parents had marriages and children before they met each other and had me (let’s be honest, I was the grand finale, Lolol). I know that exes are NOT the same as adoptive vs bio parents but I grew up with my dads ex wives and my moms ex husband being at nearly every holiday dinner and birthday party where their kids were involved. My dad used to laugh because I would get very upset at my own birthday parties because my parents exes weren’t there and I didn’t understand why. Haha. My own husband has an ex wife and she has a grown child that my husband helped raise and I have not only invited her over to our home, but she’s also been our go-to babysitter (the grown child, not the ex wife). My husbands ex has been over to my house on many occasions and she and I have a friendly relationship as well. What I’m trying to say is that it all takes time and maturity and getting used to new ideas and new normals. Your adoptive mom will get there, just give her time. Also, do let her (and your bio mom) know well in advance what is and isn’t okay behavior at the party. For instance, do you want your child to refer to both of them as Grandma? Make sure they both know those types of things beforehand so that they’re not caught off guard and so that neither of them refer to themselves as something you’re not comfortable with.

  • Lynn
    Mar 07

    I see nothing wrong with having both of them there, but I’d suggest cutting your adoptive mom some slack. She’s the one who raised you. I chose to have another woman adopt and raise my first child I had when I was 19. And 20 years later, I have 2 small children (my own) that I’m raising. While not diminishing growing a human and birthing him or her, it’s way harder to raise them than it is to be pregnant and give birth. So much harder. Your adoptive mother chose you and put her entire being into a child not biologically her own. That’s really difficult and most people couldn’t do that. Give her time to process and don’t be too hard on her. I’ve met my first child after his mother contacted me. It must have been very hard for her and I’d never put myself between them. I have the utmost respect for her and she’s been very kind to me. Even inviting me to his high school graduation and to stay in their house. She’s amazing.

  • Beverly
    Mar 14

    Didn't read previous suggesetions, but what about first having a mini bday celebration with just your adoptive mom, you and baby. (play place and ice cream, give a few gifts). THen on the day of hopefully she'll be less jealous since she had one day to herself.

  • Rody the donkey
    Mar 14

    You should be sensitive to your adoptive mom’s feelings. Maybe treat bio mom at the same importance as an aunt. Talk to adoptive mom about it. Adoptive mom would’ve love to birth you herself. She shouldn’t have to feel like someone else is taking the valuable title of grandma away from her. This stuff matters. Also, talk to other adopted kids and see how they handled this problem themselves and what happened. Me and most people have no experience with this.

  • Elle
    Mar 21

    Be sensitive to your adoptive mom's feelings. No one wants to feel replaced or replaceable. Reassure her that no one -- not even the woman who gave birth to you -- could replace her as your MOM and your child's GRANDMA. I like the above idea of giving the bio mom something like aunt-like status, similar to how friends are sometimes aunt-so-and-so. Suggest sitting down separately with both your mom and biomother and conveying the range of titles that you would feel comfortable with your baby using with them as baby grows up. All the best