Posted in Family Planning, Marriage & Partnership

Baby dilemma

Anonymous

My LO is 18mo and my step child is 10 years old. My husband doesn’t want anymore children but I know if I don’t have another I’m really going to regret it. He is 100% adamant on not having anymore. I’m not sure what to do because I’ve been having really bad baby fever.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 27, 2019

    Ask him why he doesn't want more. I'd also share the fear of regret you have with him if you haven't already. I would explore your own desire to have more also (why do you want them, are you in a rush, how would it help you grow as a person & family, etc). My husband fought a second kid for about a year but we finally got to a point of understanding each other and are ttc now. Turns out he was afraid our relationship would suffer and wanted to figure out how to feel closer both now and with a new baby.

  • Teddy
    Jan 14

    Oh boy. I can only imagine being on different pages about such an important thing. Obviously (in all seriousness) YOLO, and if you want to have another child then that’s something you should probably do. I wonder what your partner’s thoughts would be about just doing it. Also, what are his honest reservations about having another one? Financial? Divided attention? Population control (😉)? We have some family friends and there situation was: the two fell in love, but she never wanted children (and actually had had a kid as a teenager and given that baby up for adoption nearly 2 decades prior) but he had always wanted to be a dad. They discussed it and they decided to get married because they chose to be with one another and they compromised and she actually carried his biological child, and they now have a ten yo. He committed to being the primary caregiver (of course this isn’t something you can really decide ahead of time- what if the kid came out a “mamas boy” and only wanted HER attention and care? Having my own kids I know you don’t get to negotiate with a crying child as to who the want!) and he said he would bottle feed the baby and he would change the diapers and choose the day cares and the schools and do the play dates and the summer camps and the school field trips and the bedtime stories and middle of the night bad dreams and the yadda yadda. And he does. He’s one of the most patient and caring men with some of the strongest paternal instinct I’ve ever known and it’s amazing to watch. And mama isn’t absent. They all live together and do things as a family, it’s just that for them dad takes on more of the traditionally “maternal” roles and that’s all based on the VERY thought-out conversations and decisions they made before they conceived him. It’s not for me, but it works for them. And prior to seeing it work so well I don’t know that I would have believed it was possible to raise a child with someone that didn’t actively want to be a parent, but it works (for them) fairly seamlessly. Perhaps with enough negotiation and real honest heartfelt conversation you two could come up with something that would work. What’s the current situation with child-care? Who does what and makes what choices and actually does what with physically and emotionally caring for your kids? What would another kid look like in the mix? What about potentially different situations (what if the child was born with a severe disability? ) could your relationship survive that? Would he be able to honestly live with any outcome without secret resentment that would harm your closeness? There are a lot of things to think about (duh.) I see it’s been a few months since you posted this so maybe you guys have gotten somewhere new with all of this. Then again maybe not. I wish you health and happiness no matter what. Happy new year!