Anonymous

Boundaries with coparenting

My ex and I get along well, we are both engaged to new partners, we have a 6 year old that lives with me and stays with him one night a week. Our son just had surgery and has a 2 week recovery, so he won’t be able to go back and forth between houses. He is going to stay with me since he is mostly always here. His dad insists he should be able to come and spend time with him for a couple hours, him and his new fiance, but my fiance thinks that is crossing the line and that it would be awkward to have him in our house. I tend to agree, but at the same time the kid just had surgery and should also be able to see his dad. We think a happy medium would be for his dad to pick him up and go out to eat for a bit and come back. In a perfect world, I wish we would all be friends and get along, but there is an awkwardness, and although my ex and I do get along well, my fiance feels like there should be boundaries and that it’s not fair to be that close and he really doesn’t like my ex for a few reasons. I agree but then it’s also hard for me to say no. What would you do?

  • anonymous mom
    Jul 26

    I would find a way to nicely (but succinctly) tell your fiancé to grow up. This isn’t about him or you or your ex or your ex’s new fiancé, it’s about your son and what’s best for him. My parents were both married and had children before they got together and married each other and had me and two other kids. My dad and my mom’s ex had problems in the beginning and even had real arguments (or so I’m told), but my dad soon realized that he wasn’t just marrying my mom, but he was merging his and her lives and everything she brought to the marriage (4 kids and an ex husband) as well as everything he brought to the marriage (2 kids and 2 ex wives). My dads ex wives lived far away and didn’t come around often but when they were in town to do a drop off or pickup they were always welcome at our home. My moms ex husband lived less than 10 miles away and while he knew his boundaries, my dad also realized that happy children meant a happy family. That meant there were never (in my memory) split holidays or split birthday parties. My parents had the bigger house and every year before thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter/birthday celebrations, my dad called my moms ex and invited him over for dinner, the party, whatever. He came, everyone got along, and life was pretty copacetic. To the point that when my dad died my moms ex was one of his pallbearers. Obviously your fiancé doesn’t need to get that cozy, but he should come to realize (sooner rather than later) that it only serves your son to let him have his dad and fiancé over to your home for a visit after surgery when he can’t travel. The sooner he gets over the hangups (even if they were caused by your ex), the better. I hope it all works out and you can come to a peaceful resolution. Also, I hope your son heals quickly and everything is okay!!!

  • Anonymous
    Jul 26

    Thanks! I don’t really like my ex enough that I would want him to be that engrained in our lives, but like you said I do think a quick visit while our kid recovers is not a huge deal. That said, I know some divorced parents who do curb drop offs and no one speaks, but I never wanted that for my family. My fiancé and I also have a toddler together, we’ve been together for 3 years and he has always allowed me to handle the coparenting relationship with my ex and never got jealous or involved, which I appreciate, but this has been upsetting to me. He says he doesn’t want him creeping into our family and making him feel forced to be around him. I think he does have some growing up to do.

  • Mrs. HHH
    Jul 26

    Remind your fiancé this is strictly and specially about the child. It’s always about what’s best for the child. Put the kids needs first and foremost over any parental/spousal awkwardness. Boundaries are fine but this is a special one time circumstance Hope your boy is ok

  • Anonymous
    Jul 27

    I disagree with your fiance. I live with my boyfriend and my daughter. Her father tends to come up once a month to visit. When he does, he stays in our house (he would never be able to afford a hotel stay) and we cover food. I dont like my ex. My boyfriend doesn't like my ex. The visits aren't always super comfortable, but we love our child. Her father is finally making an effort to be in her life and if that means I have to open up my house to him then so be it. Their relationship and bond is important. Your ex popping by to see his child after surgery should not be an issue, EVER. I think you should definitely talk to your fiance about it because he is being unreasonable.

  • Serrina F.
    Oct 09

    I'm in a similar situation like yours with my oldest son and his father who has a wife and another child together and than there's my fiance whom I have a child with. So what I would say to that is to have a sit down with all the adults to make everyone as comfortable as possible and come to some kind of agreement, understanding. Especially being that this is a special situation with a child being injured, it's not just the every day scenario and your just having his dad over to hang out. So your fiance should be a little more open to that caes, though I can't speak on that because my fiance would not be, he's very bull headed when it comes to my son's dad and for no good reason other than just pride. It's been a tough journey to get him to be the open minded one, the accepting one, the understanding one, the agree it's for the kids sake. He's always saying I'm trying to be one big happy family, why am I letting him dictate our lives etc. But that's not the case, all I want is for my child to be happy and to know that he is loved so I get it, it's a delicate situation that you have to keep fighting for but know to just take your time and for now tell your fiance that they'll sit outside until he's comfortable!?...🤷🏾‍♀️