Anonymous

Couples therapy

My husband and I have been going to couples therapy very sporadically. I feel like it has not helped at all. There is no regularity and we are there for 30-60 minutes. By the time we start talking about anything the session is over. I have gotten very little out of it. I am so discouraged!! How has others therapy been structured when it has worked?

  • Anonymous
    May 09

    I found it most helpful when we went weekly for 45 min for a month or so. Then every other week. It meant we didn’t just go to talk about a big thing

  • Cathy
    May 09

    I think that if it’s something that you really need for your marriage you should go more often to ensure you’re both getting something from it. Maybe once a week for the short term and as things progress you could go twice a month? Also make sure your therapist is keeping you on track and narrowing down a discussion topic. That way you feel like you’re getting somewhere. Friends of mine go once or twice a month as “maintenance” (lol) and then they go out for dinner after and continue the conversation there. You could also try that too.

  • Momof2
    May 11

    I think it’s all about finding the right therapist. We went for several months to a therapist and I felt the same way you did. But we found our current therapist and literally within the first couple weeks of seeing her I noticed a change. Your therapist should be giving you tips/tricks and “ homework assignments” to work on in between sessions so that you are working to improve your relationship outside of therapy as well. Also I think that it’s so normal to have a relationship struggles, specially when kids are little. It’s so hard! Hang in there I hope it gets better!!!

  • Danny Thom
    May 11

    As Myrtle said, hang in there... it takes time and effort from both sides to undo things, Time cures lot of things... open up and let them your partner know how you feel.

  • Michael
    May 13

    Don’t get discouraged, don’t stop talking after it’s over suggest maybe she was on to something let’s grab a beer and continue this conversation or maybe a walk or and I say this very nicely maybe it’s just time to think the alternative 😔

  • Katie
    May 17

    Think of it like going to the gym. Are you going to get positive results if you go once in a while and cut your workout short? Nope. You have to make it a regular exercise to get true benefit from it. Once a week for 45 - 60 minutes is a good place to start. It may be easy to say "I don't have time for that" but honestly what is more important than spending 60 out of 10080 minutes in a week on your partnership? It is a lot more time consuming to go through a divorce or spend all your energy fighting/disagreeing. Make it a regular thing and give it a solid effort for three months. If it doesn't work try another therapist and give it another few months. If that still doesn't work than you may have to realize that somethings just don't work.

  • Seth
    May 17

    I wish you luck with the therapy. It didn't work for us - for a host of reasons - not a good therapist, we didn't do the homework, etc. But the main reason was that we shouldn't have been together. If you BOTH want to be in the marriage than it will probably work because there is love and willingness on both sides to put in the effort. BUT if one of you doesn't really want it to work I will guarantee you it won't - because you can't pull feelings out of someone that just doesn't have them for their partner. So good luck - but recognize if it's not working that potentially one partner doesn't really want it to.

  • 🦋
    May 17

    Check out Stan Tatkin on YouTube and his audiobook Relationship RX. He’s the couples therapist.

  • Aya
    May 17

    Have you given something like this a try? Not as serious and structured as therapy, obviously, but it's light and easy (and free) so worth a try. We're been on it for the past 6 months or so and it definitely helps. https://emicouple.com/

  • CheerioMama
    May 21

    First, you have to make sure you both connect with your therapist. My husband and I have been going since the beginning of our engagement. We both are big believers in therapy and wanted to go just to make sure we were communicating well and not falling into the same patterns we were in high school (high school sweethearts). It’s helped us avoid a LOT of problems and now we can pretty much talk about anything without a therapist there. We implement the tools he gave us in our marriage. It’s still not perfect, but we have a very good and open relationship with one another. It’s important to go frequently in the beginning until you feel like it’s really helping, and then go less frequently, but still consistently. The most important thing I think is to work on the things your therapist tells you to at home. You can talk all you want, but only action will make a real difference.