Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Working Parents

Dads please read

Anonymous

This is a question for working dads. My husband works full time, I also work but definitely not as many hours as he does. On the days he works I spend my day cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, making dinner and just basic life needs. When I go to work I always have to make sure he has what he’s going to need for the night for him and the kids. If I don’t make dinner before I go into work at 6pm he won’t make dinner he’ll order a pizza. Occasionally that’s fine but not every time I work which is usually weekends. When I get home in the morning my house is trashed. Toys, trash, dishes just a huge mess. So then I end up cleaning after I get home at 6am. I’ve tried talking with him about the house and every time it’s it looked like this before you left. I’ve even gone as far as taking pictures before leaving the house and still he tells me I made the mess or just didn’t clean. Do you as a working husband or dad help out with daily chores? Also when it comes to the kids I feel like I do everything. If our toddler needs a bath he doesn’t stop what he’s doing I do it, when I come home from work I get all the kids up ready for school, make breakfast, take our toddler to preschool. All while atleast a few days during the week he’s sleeping and doesn’t have to be at work. If we need something from the store he refuses to stop on his way home and says he needs to relax. That’s his answer for everything he needs to relax. I’ve quit my old job because he said he didn’t want to go to work then come home and deal with the kids on his days off. I feel like he’s very selfish and I’ve told him this he doesn’t think he’s selfish because he goes to work outside of the house more than I do. What are some good ways to address these issues? It’s causing issues In my marriage along with other things. Like he won’t go to the kids birthday parties because he doesn’t like my parents or doesn’t want to be around his brothers. It’s hard to explain to your kids and I’m tired of covering for him saying he’s at work when people ask why he’s not at birthdays, thanksgiving or even Christmas. Am I crazy to feel like this is not normal?

  • Amanda
    Dec 27

    I know you want dads to reply but I thought I’d add my opinion. Before my husband and I had child #7 I was working 40hrs a wk and my husband was working close to 45hrs a wk. my husband doesn’t do much chores around the house without me asking him to but if I ask or say I need something to get done he will either do it or have the kids help do it. He will always do our laundry every few days unless I do it first. He mostly cooks diner unless we have kids learning to do it. 6 of the kids are 11 yrs old and up so they are able to things now. With baby number 7 here I had to quit my full time job (just started a very part time job yesterday) but my husband still does most of the cooking and will do our laundry and anything else I ask him to do. He won’t give the baby a bath because he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it since she is only 7months which is fine I don’t mind doing it. But I’m pretty sure if I really asked him to then he would do it. He is pretty lazy but he does help out and will go to birthdays, holidays, family/friends events. Sometime I will let him stay home if I know he isn’t a fan of what is going on but usually he goes. I think your husband is being very selfish and needs to help more. I would be so mad and if he isn’t willing to change I myself would say goodbye 😥. I wouldn’t lie to the kids or to family or anyone about why he isn’t there. I would just be up front and say he doesn’t want to go. And if the kids or family/friends ask why then I would just say idk why don’t you ask him. Also when the 6 kids were babies my husband worked 12hr shifts that switched from 1st ,2nd, and 3rd shifts but he would always help with whatever he could help with. If he was home when dinner needed to be made he did. If he was home when breakfast needed to be made he fixed it or even lunch. He always has helped out with laundry and did kids laundry when they were younger. If I even needed anything from the store he would go on his way home or he would come home change double check to see if I need anything else and then take a few kids and go to the store. And at that time I didn’t work because we couldn’t afford daycare so really I probably should have done more chores and stuff but watching 6 kids was stressful and tiring. Which he understood and we compromised both ways.

  • Anonymous
    Dec 28

    He needs to step up! I would not make any excuses for his behavior to family and friends. I work about 55 hours a week and my husband an equal amount. Although he can be lazy and messy, he's a good dad and makes an effort. Don't rationalize that his behavior is acceptable and that you need to bring more to the table than he. It doesn't matter that he works a few more hours outside the house. You guys made a baby together and share a home together. It's not all on you. When we've struggled with inequality, i've taken a step back on cleaning and doing. Unfortunately it bothers me more than him, but the point gets made eventually and he'll pitch in. When he leaves his clothes all over the place, i started putting them away in his closet even if dirty. Told him dirty clothes go in the hamper. That did help make a point. Stand your ground.

  • Josh
    Dec 28

    Seems like your baby isn’t the only child in the house. IMO doesn’t matter if it’s a dad mom partner w/e, once you have a child it’s 50/50. I told my wife when we first had our baby that I want our baby to be a reflection of the type of person I want to be as a husband and father; caring, loving patient and helpful. Raising a child is more than just keeping the child fed and having a roof over their head. To be a good parent means to be a good husband and friend. If your husband doesn’t understand that then you need to make the hard decisions and put limits in place.

  • Anonymous
    Dec 28

    @josh that was very well said and how I feel things should be. And yes we have two kids together, and I have one from a previous relationship but my husband has been dad his entire life he’s never met his dad atleast never that he’ll remember. I’ve been going round in my own head trying to know what the right decision is just keep living as is, try to put my foot down to see if changes are made or just walk away. But everytime I dry to talk to him about any of this I freeze up like an idiot

  • Jenn
    Jan 01

    If you freeze up trying to talk about it, try writing something out instead :)

  • Sonia
    Jan 25

    Sounds like he expects you to pick up his slack, because you often do- I’m not saying you are wrong, I’m saying he is used to you making things right. I would stop doing so much - and when he complains- as he will, I would let him know I am reciprocating his kindness. If you won’t stop at the store for groceries- then bring home a pizza - that will eventually get old. ... and expensive. I would let him come home to a dirty home - which he will hate - and then explain to him that’s what you are a faced with when you come home. You don’t need to clean, just keep the place from getting trashed. He isn’t taking care of the kids, he is letting the kids do as they please. - no parenting is involved. He isn’t respecting you or your efforts. And I would make the kids help clean- if you can’t correct the adult- train the kids to clean up. If having a conversation is difficult- show him. .. I’m a big fan of example.