Posted in Pre-Teens, Blended Families

Does anyone have advice for a step-mom? I’m struggling with giving my step-daughter her first bras. I figured her mother would do it, but to no avail just like when my step-son went thru puberty, my husband and I had to do everything. Their mom was oblivious. However my stepdaughters developing, and after observing her play at school with her girlfriends I noticed she is the only one not wearing a bra. I don’t want her to get teased for not having a bra or for showing. I don’t want to overstep her mother, but if I don’t who will? Any advice?

  • LISA
    Apr 24, 2018

    How did the mother react with y’all doing everything for your stepson? It sounded like she just didn’t care. I think it would be awesome. I have a 14-yo, and she loves Victoria’s, but that comes a little later. 😊

  • Anonymous
    Apr 24, 2018

    She got pissed off when I approached her in txt about how he was smelling, and all the clothes he would wear from her house to ours were 2 sizes too small. We were smart enough to know that she will not buy him anything, so we bought him deodorant and sent him home with one. My other half had a couple of talks with him. I have been buying him books on puberty and growing up. Also the kids are good about speaking to us. She is an alcoholic, in denial. It’s sad. She hates me because her kids rant and rave to her that I’m awesome. She gets mad and starts getting down right nasty in txt to both of us. However I refuse to stand by and watch them suffer. She should be happy that her kids ended up with someone who is so caring and loving,,, but evidently it gets her panties in a bunch! I thought that as a mom she would be thrilled to do the whole puberty talk with her daughter and do all the things with her... sadly it’s not the case. I can see my daughters nipples, and it’s killing me to sit on the sidelines! 😐

  • Rachel
    Apr 24, 2018

    Maybe just ask the kid. I have 2 step daughters & 1 stepson. They live with us FT, and their mom isn’t around much. If they’re comfortable with you for stuff like that, then I’d just approach it like they were your own kids.

  • Kailey
    Apr 25, 2018

    I was at the store with my daughter and was just looking in that section. Then I asked if she wanted some. Worked fine. Took it one step at a time to get her comfortable talking to me

  • Kathie
    Apr 26, 2018

    I'd just take her on a special date and get her a bra. Better to put up with some rude texts than to have the daughter end up being made fun of or teased. Your daughter actually doesn't even have to mention it to her mom that she's wearing one. Not to sound mean, but if she's an alcoholic, is she really going to notice what her daughter is or isn't wearing?

  • Danielle
    Apr 28, 2018

    I had the worst step mom that didn’t care about what we needed and she was the only woman in my life at the time. I definitely would have appreciated a step mom that cares like you. It is something that still bothers me today that a woman could do that to a little girl who didn’t have her mom lol. So I think you’re awesome for caring so much. If mom doesn’t want to do it then you definitely should. It will mean a lot to your step daughter too. My aunt bought me my first bra. Lol. Your step daughter will remember that you bought her, her first too.

  • Anonymous
    Apr 28, 2018

    Well, I did it it went well. My other half and myself decided it would be best to send the mother a txt to inform her of our actions. This is what we sent her. “**notice this is a group text** This text is coming to you as a curtsey to you, to keep you updated as to what we have discussed and come to an agreement on for the developing needs of your daughter. **This is not a message that is sent to upset you, or make you feel inadequate, in any way, shape or form. This is purely for the well-being and healthy development of the kids. Your daughter came to me a couple of weeks back while we were shopping at Walmart, and asked if I could buy her deodorant because she noticed she has started to be stinky. I told her sure, and she chose to get a trial size to test it out. The next day I bought her a regular size and asked her to take the small one home and to ask her mother to buy her deodorant on a regular basis for her house as well. She has forgot, but this morning she packed it in her backpack. Heads-up, a request will be coming to you soon. We had already been buying books for both of the kids regarding growing up an puberty. They have been really good about asking us questions and for advice. We are very grateful that the kids feel they can ask questions, that often are embarrassing and confusing. We have encouraged your son that if he needs to do anything hygiene related (he has requested on a couple of mornings to take a shower, I’m sure you can guess why) to just do it, that he does not need to ask. We have noticed over the last 2 months that your daughter is rapidly developing. After we attended your sons recent trumpet recital, I noticed when your daughter was running around with her classmates, that most, if not all the girls were wearing bras. Your daughter for about 2 months or more has been budding and her nipples are noticeable through her clothes. We were hoping you would notice and take action. After more than 2 months had passed we decided to not wait and to take action for ourselves. We felt that we didn’t want your daughter to get teased for not wearing one or for showing. We researched young girls bras, and purchased some very comfortable, soft bras. Two beige for everyday wear, and a white racer back “lounging” bra to wear when lounging at home with the family. Last night I, by myself sat down with your daughter and I told her that her Dad and I had noticed she’s growing up quickly. I said that I noticed she’s starting to develop, and that since she told me about how you had informed her that you were an early bloomer, that more than likely she would bloom early too, I wanted to know what her thoughts were about bras, and if she felt she needed one, because I noticed all her classmates were wearing bras. She told me that she really wanted to try one, so I presented her with a gift. I tried to make it feel special for her, and ultimately, she was very pleased. She did not wear one today, nor has she tried them on yet. We ask that you purchase some for your home, so this way we don’t lose our bras to your house. Nor do we believe that she should only wear bras when she is in our care and not wear anything when in your care. We would like a healthy balance for your daughter between both of our homes. I also let your daughter know, that if she ever has girl questions she can ask me anything, and nothing is too embarrassing. As well that if she is comfortable talking to her dad about girl stuff, he is open to it, but if she would rather talk to me or to mom, that’s ok too, do what you are comfortable with, and to never withhold it, to always ask an adult. We hope that you feel you can jump on board with us to make this transition for your daughter as smooth as possible. We know she would like support from the three of us united. ***As said above, This is purely for the well-being and healthy development of the kids, nothing else.” Do you like how I have to state that this is not an attack on her or her character? We still have not herd anything!!! She’s either sitting there stewing on it... or she’s about to attack...I’m just waiting! Last time we had it out, it took her two days before she responded! Who knows! Who knows! 🤦🏻‍♀️🙄