Anonymous

Early bird gets the worm.

I need some advice. I am a stay at home mom that occassionally works as an independent contractor. I get up pretty early to take my kids to school, and get a start on my day. Although, my husband doesn't. He goes to work whenever he wants [also, an independent contractor] so he doesn't have a super weird schedule where I would have to be mindful of noise level. BUT, everyday when I come back from dropping off the kids and come home to start my daily chores. He gets so mad and says I'm not allowed to start making noise until after 11:00! Am I over reacting?? I get up at 6:30 every day and I'm expected to just lay around until 11:00 to start my day?? Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it? What are some things I can do to keep me busy until then? If I'm not doing something I end up falling asleep and well, that's never good. Thanks in advance.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 13

    Yes, there are days where I fall behind on my chores so bad the house looks worse than it did before because I'm scrabbling to do everything at the same time. He refuses to compromise. I'm the one compromising on this and it's becoming infuriating because when I do try to talk to him he ignores what I have to say, puts his two sense in and walks away without hearing my side of the story.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 13

    You shouldn't have to delay your day because he wants to sleep through half of it. If the noise bothers him that much he can get ear plugs or a sound machine.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 13

    And honestly I wouldn't compromise with him.et hi. Figure it out and keep going about your day for now even if there's some tension. Otherwise you'll always have to cater to him .

  • Vicki
    Oct 14

    11:00?!?! Half the day is gone! If you want to compromise I’d say 9:00 is on the late side. He’s being unreasonable and you should just do what you need to do. Also, if he wants you to be quiet and do nothing until 11:00, then he can do all the chores when he gets up!

  • G
    Oct 14

    11:00??? Is he having a growth spurt?! I do not blame you for being frustrated. His teenage years are over and he needs to appreciate the fact that you do all of the chores. Just do your chores and he will have to figure out how to deal with the noise level if he wants to sleep in....best of luck!

  • Laura
    Oct 14

    Sounds like a visit to a couples therapist would be helpful.

  • anonymous mom
    Oct 14

    That’s crazy. I love and miss my sleep but I cannot imagine starting my day at 11am. Buy him a noise maker and tell him that’s the most you’ll be doing to “compromise.” That’s so out of line!!!

  • Anonymous
    Oct 15

    I'd give him a choice. Either he helps you with the household chores (and you compromise on a convenient time) or you do them when it's convenient for you. Re: sleep apnea comment - my husband has it (did a sleep study, tried the machine, he couldn't sleep with the noise and gave up) and still functions fine. Hell, he spent 3 months waking up to feed our daughter as a baby (I got PPD and was at my breaking point) and working 60+ hour weeks as an executive. There's no excuse for being a cranky stubborn @#$%&@# to your spouse all the time. Figure out a way that works for both parties instead of sitting there expecting the world to revolve around you. Btw that part is directed at your husband not you! If he is incapable of compromise, I'd be incapable of considering his feelings on the matter 🤷🏼‍♀️

  • Anonymous
    Oct 15

    Thank you for all the great advice.

  • K.A.M.
    Oct 15

    My husband works swinging nights shifts at Coors. He works 6am to 6pm 4 days and then the following week works 6pm to 6am. Constantly rotating. It is a HARD adjustment. He sleeps from 7am - 3pm during his night shifts. I too am a SAHM with a 2 year old and nanny 4 different kids throughout the week In our home. We try to be as quiet as we can be, but we also have done what we can to help drown out noise in the room. We bought a box fan and that runs every time he sleeps, even when it’s cold. It’s actually made a huge difference for him and he sleeps much better with that. I always just turn it on for him while I’m getting out of bed in the morning. But your husband is maybe being a little dramatic too lol a fan can be an easy solution though.

  • Diana
    Oct 16

    I would offer him a white noise machine, and then make a list of what you need to get done before 11 and give him his choice: either you do the chores in the morning, or he’s 100% responsible for getting them all done himself! (And no, you can’t do them later in the day - you have other things you need to do later)

  • Anonymous
    Oct 17

    Hey, not that it’s any consolation, but we’re retired and my husband naps from after lunch until 3 or 4! I’m always behind because who wants to vacuum at 7 am? I’ve learned to wash and fold clothes, dust, run dishwasher, etc. or just do nothing. I wish I had a solution!

  • Katie
    Oct 17

    Honestly make him wear earplugs. I have the opposite at my house because I am a horrible sleeper and work 2-3 jobs. In autumn I work until 1am and sleep until 10. It’s unrealistic for my husband to do nothing while I’m asleep so I go to bed with earplugs. Yes I dislike them but it’s unfair to ask my husband to not do his share around the house while I’m sleeping. That’s ridiculous. If he is that much of a booger about it then he can do the chores himself when he gets up.

  • Rachel
    Oct 17

    Sounds like a typical old-school male, only thinking about himself and disregarding your opinion, emotions. This is the exact type of behavior that our current culture is trying to stop. You are valid, you need to be heard. If he doesn’t want to listen to compromising solutions, I suggest you lay it out for him. “I start my day early and have things to get done. If you want to sleep through that, I suggest you figure out a way to sleep through it.” End of story. If at any point his demands or anger make you feel scared or unsafe, please seek help. (I’m not saying that’s the case, but it often times is).

  • Angie
    Oct 17

    Wait, he goes to work whenever he wants to?!?! Homeboy should use a sound machine and figure it out. Maybe he is staying up super late and needs to change his schedule or yes loud sound machine. You need to go about your day and get your responsibilities done. The fact that he is still sleeping till 11 being a father who does not work the nightshift is unreal! I would expect him to be up by 9 when i return back from dropping off kids AND if he is not helping with morning duty with kids (lunches packed, dressed, breakfast, school drop off) and sleeping till 11 then he better be helping with evening routine. If not, you might have a narcissist on your hands and divorce now cuz it will only get worse. Last resort here of course. If you ever say you wanna take a day to yourself kid free does he step up? Does he offer to watch kids while you have a spa day or go out to dinner with friends. If he tried to make you feel guilty for time to yourself and kinda prevent you from enjoying yourself or others this is gaslighting and hes a narcissist!

  • Jessica
    Oct 17

    Maybe try and appeal to his Daddy instincts and tell him that the example he is setting will stay with your children forever. Like the choice to stay up late and sleep late instead of being present for you and the kids in the morning is something he can change. They see and hear everything we do. Sometimes boys will emulate the hurtful behavior towards women and girls believe they should be treated poorly because that’s the example they see. He may see it differently if he realizes how it affects your children. Sending positive vibes and empathy. You’re not alone.

  • Cj
    Oct 17

    Since he goes to bed so late he can do some of the chores for you at night when you go to bed and then you won’t have to start so early 🤷🏼‍♀️