Anonymous

Explaining donated eggs

My sister has 13 yo twins who she conceived through donated eggs (with her husbands sperm) via IVF. Her kids (both girls) don’t know this but apparently her evil in laws want them to know. I think she should tell her in laws to pack sand but it would be difficult to explain to the girls why they can’t see grandma and grandpa anymore. Has anyone dealt with this and if so, how did you do it??

  • Anonymous
    Mar 08

    I have no experience with this but holy shit this is sick. If it were me I would totally cut off contact and tell the girls grandma and grandpa aren’t able to respect our parenting wishes. Sucks but omg. I would also probably talk to an attorney about a cease and desist or restraining order.

  • Anonymous
    Mar 08

    I know right!? Thank you. I tried to tell my sister the same. She and her husband decided early on that they weren’t sure if they’d ever even tell their kids!!! And only a few people even know. I’m not even sure that all my siblings know. I am not sure how my BIL feels about what his parents are doing but I swear, I can count on one finger (ONE!!) how many good in laws I’ve heard of in my life. What is WRONG with people!?!!!!!!

  • AdamAnt
    Mar 08

    It’s really useful & healthy for all people (not just kids) to know where they come from and how they came to be. Even if they haven’t been told yet, most likely they already have had lingering questions about how they might not be or feel the same as their mom. There are a bunch of books about IVF & sperm donation for kids on Amazon & in some libraries. These same books are also a great way for adults to get more comfortable talking about the subject. Ultimately it is up to the parents of the children when to tell them about their origins. However, we live in a digital age, & curious kids might find out on their own - which could lead to different conflicts.

  • Anonymous
    Mar 08

    I think unfortunately the chance of them not letting it “slip” ever is low at this point. If I were her, I’d find some great books about how there are lots of types of families, and tell them a watered down version. We wished and hoped and loved you so much before you were born but had trouble getting pregnant so the doctors helped us. But she also has the right to decide this with her husband

  • Ivy
    Mar 08

    It’s the parents decision to tell and it’s such a sad thing that anyone else would want to take that right away. It is disrespectful and warrants being cut off, even if the truth will be let out eventually. The good news, is that in today’s world, it’s easier for talks like this to happen because there are more resources, and IVF and donors are becoming more common-place. At the end of the day, they are still her children. She did indeed create them in her womb. Her own body and cells knit them together— their entire being was composed by her own body’s supply. So even if their DNA is different, they are her children through and through.

  • Vicki
    Mar 08

    It really doesn’t matter if they find out some other way later on or the parents decide to tell them in their own time or they never find out. It is absolutely not up to the grandparents to tell them or to insist they be told. What an absolute violation of trust and your relationship with your son and daughter-in-law. And the parents shouldn’t be forced into revealing this before they are ready because these horrible people are holding this over their heads.

  • Kristi
    Mar 09

    We conceived via IVF (we did not use a donor). I plan to tell them one day what lengths we went through to have children. Maybe explaining it in a way letting them know how badly they wanted children and what lengths they went through to have them will help.

  • Monica
    Mar 09

    I had my son via donated eggs. We had to do a one hour counseling session with the onsite counselor who said it’s ultimately our decision whether to tell our son but she always advises to tell them because the chance they find out is fairly high.....people letting it out of the bag accidentally, medical issues and a big one is our digital age. Prior to our appointment I thought I didn’t want to tell him but after we decided to. We’ve already been reading books about it but at 3 1/2 he doesn’t get it. It’s their decision ultimately to do what they think is best for their kids.

  • Sara
    Mar 14

    I plan to tell my daughter (I had IVF with my own eggs.). My infertility is a part of her family medical history, and I believe that she deserves to know that as much as she deserves to know that some members of her family had cancer or hypothyroidism, as that knowledge may make life easier for her in the long run. I’d probably apply the same thinking if the child wasn’t mine genetically— she’d deserve to know that part of her medical history was unknown. Beyond that, IVF is a relatively new technology, and while the early IVF babies are now adults and healthy, I think it is still in the best interest of everyone to know their origin as much as possible in case some issues arise down the road.

  • Anonymous
    Mar 14

    Thanks all. My sister is planning to let her daughters know but on her own terms and time. She and her husband have told his parents that if they are the ones to tell them then it will be the last time they’ll see them or be allowed to contact them until the girls are 18 and can decide for themselves if they want to do it. My sister and her husband both feel it’s a huge d**k move on behalf of his parents to try to force the issue. Apparently his mother is not happy that the girls have a close relationship with my parents (and sisters parents). I guess that my sisters MIL “found” a diary passage where one of my nieces said that my mom is her favorite grandma and it upset her because “she’s not biologically even really her grandma.” I mean how sick do you have to be. Obviously my sister is wrestling with the discussion and while she maybe should have been talking about it all along, she didn’t. So now she’s trying to determine the way she will do it and as I said already, it’s a decision that should be arrived at by her and her husband, not by her in laws who are doing his out of jealousy. Blah.

  • Jenny
    Mar 14

    We had my son via a donated frozen embryo and plan to be very open with him about it. When we were deciding how we were going to handle it, we knew if we didn't want him knowing all along, then no one (I mean NO ONE) could know until we told him. It wasn't worth the risk to us.

  • Erica
    Wednesday

    I don’t feel like it would be a big deal whether they know or not. Why should it matter? Their parents wanted them so much that they put a lot of effort into having them, and it’s amazing what the medical community can do now. Why does it even have to be a thing?

  • Anonymous
    Wednesday

    It doesn’t have to be a big thing except we’re talking about 13 year olds...everything feels dramatic! Ha