Anonymous

Family caregivers that want to continue caregiving but we don’t want it.

Right now my toddler is at home with grandmas (yes we pay them). When she turns 18 months she will go to a montessori 3x a week. And each grandma will do the other 2x a week. This has been a long awaited change in our life because my husband and I dont particularly enjoy having our moms in our homes 5x a week and coming home after a long day at work to our moms... I know others may feel differently but this is a fact for us, we like our privacy and our home to be OUR home. I want her to be in montessori. 5x a week so we can have our lives back. Eventually it will happen. But how do we deal with the guilt that these grandmas love watching her and have more purpose in their lives now? They each have jobs too, so it’s not like they do nothing else. I’m thinking to point it toward, they are no longer caregivers so they can be grandmas and spoil her whereas they can’t spoil her if they are her caregivers! Also because they will see her less so spoiling and being annoying grandmas is OKAY. Normally I don’t let them spoil her and We rarely see them on weekends bc we already see them so often during the week. Honestly I think this is a better set up for our family, Seeing then for quality time buy less quantity is better for my and husbands sanity. Also yes, I know we will be working a bit more in the mornings (versus waking up and handing her to grandmas in our house) but that’s how life is like when they are in real school anyways!

  • PK
    Nov 22, 2019

    I think your idea is great - transitioning from caregiver to grandma. And now they can spoil your daughter as grandparents. You could also throw in that you would like your daughter to be in a more scheduled setting with a bunch of kids around her age. And assure them that you would love to get quality time together as a whole family on weekends.

  • Catherine
    Nov 24, 2019

    I think your approach is right. You could also phrase it as getting ready for school and more peer interaction. Just be extra nice in case you have more children and want their help again, lol. As someone with no family nearby or help, it seems like such an awesome gift you all had (even with pay) to have family watch your child. I’d just want to make sure that they understood how much it was appreciated.

  • anonymous mom
    Nov 25, 2019

    It’s never easy so I think your idea is as gentle as it can get. One of my daughters (she’s 2) school friends goes to school Monday-Thursday, then she and her older sister go to see a grandma together every Friday (so they go to the maternal grandmas house ~2 Friday’s a month and the paternal grandmas house the other Friday). This seems like a great setup to me. One day a week the girls get to spend all day w/ grandma and the parents don’t feel any pressure to have the grandparents around during family time. It’s all about what works for you and your family in the end. No matter what, your child will eventually be in school and will get no days with grandmas so however you decide to transition, all that’s truly important in the end is YOU have the balance YOU need to stay sane. Childcare should NOT stress you out..at least, that’s my opinion!!

  • Anonymous
    Dec 09

    just think of all the benefits your child will have being in the montessori, socializing with other kids, and starting their education early. that should be enough to overcome the guilt! plus it's whats best for the child vs. whats best for grandma. Grams will understand. and im sure the relief of coming home to an empty house will help get over some of that guilt in no time (lol)

  • Trisha
    Feb 06

    My parents LOVED taking care of my twins. Even if my ex had not deserted our family when the boys were 3 months old, my parents wouldn't have let anyone else care for my boys while I worked. How I eased my parents back to the "empty nest"--I visited my church and got the Principal of the preschool to accept the boys if they were potty trained. By 2 yr 10 mo they were 100% trained, and started out 3 whole days a week. By their 3rd birthday, they were 5 full days. Yes, it was a bit of a financial pinch on me---but it gave my parents back their freedom (they still visited every day)--and gave my sons social skills, lots of activity and structure, and helped prepare their immune systems to attend school (where there are far too many sick children who are pushed off to school to make others sick). I recommend preschool for every child--only if it is the school that fits the child's needs and when the child is ready to go. Yes it is hard to let go--but it's the way of the world.