Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Relationships

Father not involved

Im a SAHM with a toddler and a newborn. Pretty much I hate my life and at this point i do not like my husband. He used to be supportive with the first one but pretty much he gave up all his responsibilities, except providing shelter and food. Sometimes I would talk to him to take us places and he would do so. Then when we argue about choreses at home he would bring up the places and trips we had done together. On daily basis he will come home around 4pm lay down for an hour have dinner then either he goes out to the gym or to hung out with his friends or he stays on the couch surfing the internet or talking on his phone. My daughter was diagnosed with speech delay (which he doesn’t believe she has) and he is not involved in the therapy because quote and quote he doesn’t want to. Im so tired of arguing with him about not being in there life and if i yell he yells back about what he calls my responsibilities as a wife like fixing three meals and ironing his clothes ( I don’t do those). On the other hand, he is not a bad person and very generous but not the father i wanted for my kids. We just finished arguing about taking my toddler to her gymnastics class and he refused when I said many fathers take their kids to the recreation center he responded ( stupids). I just wish he is more involved in his kids lives.

  • Anonymous
    Aug 23, 2019

    I’m really scared that that will be my life once we have baby #2. I have talked to my husband about it and I do have to go on a rant every few weeks to get him to help out more. I’m a SAHM too. My husband comes home from work and will lay down on the couch for most of the night except when he helps me set up bath and eats dinner. Then on his days off he will be in bed or on the couch or out with his friends. I’ve had breaking moments where I would ask him if he wants to be a father or if I should just pack up and go back to my hometown until he decides that he wants to be a husband and a father. Then he will change and be more helpful for a few weeks and then this happens all over again. I came down with a really bad virus over the summer. We had just signed our son up for swim classes too that were non refundable. The days where I really needed bed rest were the days my husband was home from work so I asked him to take our son to swim class. I needed the time to rest without our son coming in to ask me to get out of bed to play every half hour. He refused and said that it would be weird for him to be in the water with our son and there being a bunch of moms around. When in fact I kept telling him that half the class parents were dads. He still refused and claimed that he doesn’t like swimming... when he won’t really be swimming since the class is all in the shallow end and he can just stand. In the end, our son didn’t go to swim class and we wasted a lot of money. I really want a second baby and I really love my husband. But with the way things are, I kind of don’t want a second because of how little help I get and how little involved my husband is. He really wants a second baby though too. He also keeps saying that he’s waiting for our son to be older to be more involved because right now the things my son does as play isn’t “fun” for him. The funny thing is that my mom told me that my dad said the same for my brothers and me. Yet, he never really did get involved except for doing drop off/pick up for school and activities. Now that we are all adults, my brothers and I don’t feel close to our dad as we do with our mom. My dad has now stated that he regrets not getting involved with us when we were kids. And I have told my dad that it’s not too late to be involved as a dad... but that still hasn’t changed much sadly. My husband is fully aware of this story and I talk about it a lot with him... warning him not to make the same mistake as my dad. And again, he keeps telling me that he’s waiting for the age where he can play catch with our son. He’s definitely more involved than my dad (at least from what I heard from my mom)... so I try to be thankful for that. Thankful for what I have and what others may not have. So I’m sorry that I don’t have any helpful advice... just that you’re not alone. It sounds like you’re already thankful for what he does do for you, but that it’s not enough for you to be content with your life. You can use my story about my dad if you want... maybe as an eye opener for your husband to make sure he doesn’t regret missing out on being involved with your kids at this very sensitive age. Hugs to you mama ❤️❤️❤️

  • Sanna
    Aug 24, 2019

    Thank you for your comment it made me feel better coz we just finished arguing. Your dad story is similar to ours. His dad wasn’t in there life and my dad is exactly like yours. So I keep bringing the situation back and back again. What hurts the most is seeing my daughter crying everytime he leaves the house and he doesn’t feel it. It sounds like most dads are like that which is a sad fact. Thanks again

  • Ali
    Aug 26, 2019

    I think a lot of husbands apply a double standard to parenting that benefits them to the detriment of the wife. If your kids are that young, I would consider dropping any extracurriculars that aren’t necessary and join a group where you are around other moms/kids. I doubt your husband will change much on this issue but now you can decide what is worth committing to.

  • Stay-At-Home Dan
    Aug 26, 2019

    I’m a SAHD, and I think it’s completely unfair. This job is difficult AF but rewarding. Both parents should be involved. Doesn’t matter who works. I would not have baby #2. It won’t end well for you. If he won’t help with one, he definitely won’t help with two. This will bite him in the arse when he wants to connect with his child. My dad was not around and my step dad was not involved really. Both of these sad scenarios have pushed me to be the best dad I can be. There are a lot of husbands who are heavily involved despite being the working parent and then there are some who are so damn selfish and blind that they can’t see that they are the lead and set the tone for their families. Sorry you are going though this situation.