Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Money, Relationships

Feeling Bad about Giving Gifts

Anonymous

I don’t know what to do anymore about my fiancé and giving gifts. We’re currently expecting our second any day now and we have an 11m old as well. I haven’t worked in over a year, so I try not to spend a lot of money on unnecessary items/gifts. Like I don’t even buy lunch food for me I just eat leftovers and cereal 🤦🏽‍♀️ but anyways, I made him a very special gift for Valentine’s Day and he hasn’t even touched it. It makes me feel so bad about myself. I don’t know what to do. I made him a gift from our daughter for Christmas as well, for the intent that he would take it to work and put it on his desk but it’s still sitting in the same place he left it Christmas morning. I’m so lost. I don’t really have spending money of my own to buy him things he actually wants or needs and when I ask him for money for that he won’t give it to me because “he doesn’t need it”. I’m just so sad because I try and these gifts are so thoughtful and he literally wants nothing to do with them. And then goes and spends a lot of money on me for Christmas/Valentine’s Day and makes me feel even worse. I must have heard 100x yesterday that “women are expensive” when I literally didn’t ask for anything at all. And told him not to buy me anything because I was just making his gift. Oh and if you want to know, his gift was a jar full of heart shaped sticky notes with reasons why I love him. One for everyday that we have been a couple. 😓

  • Brianne
    Feb 15

    Is there a reason he has full control of the finances? It’s not the 50’s anymore. A healthy relationship needs financial stability on both parts. One person having control of all the finances while the other needs to request money is a form of abuse. Many relationships with one working parent fall into this and it can lead to a lot of unintentional manipulation.I would insist on a joint account for both to use equally. That’s if you want to be able to match the types/cost of gift giving. If that’s not the problem and you haven’t told him how you’re feeling, you should tell him that you feel this way. Openness is always the best option! And that gift sounds so wonderful!

  • B
    Feb 15

    I agree that if one parent is working and one is raising the kids, it doesn’t mean you ask for money. It’s shared because you have a life together. Beyond that, about a year into dating my husband we had a talk about gifts. Little things that are thoughtful mean a lot to me, especially on non occasions. I’d rather spend our money on trips and special events than stuff. Turns out so would he. So...we stopped the large expensive gifts. And 6 years later that’s still great for us. My point is you need to sit down with him and talk about this. Not accusing that he doesn’t like your gifts. But talking about expectations moving forward for you both.

  • Olivia
    Feb 15

    He's your fiancé. You'll be married. The money is not 100% his anymore. Go buy yourself stuff every once in a while. Get him a gift. Get a joint bank account. If he doesn't like it he can stay home while you go to work.

  • Elle
    Feb 16

    Goigle "love languages quiz" Both of you take it Discuss results w one another

  • Rachael
    Feb 18

    This is abusive. Lavishing you in gifts you don’t want but then controlling all of the money and treating you shitty when you pour your heart into making heartfelt gifts out of the few crumbs he’s left you is not loving, it’s a form of control and objectification. That said, please don’t beat yourself up if you stay given the position you’re in. Whatever you do going forward you & your babies deserve to be treated with full dignity and consideration. I would get out if at all possible, but please know you are supported no matter what. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this.