Posted in Babies, Family Life, In-Laws

Grandparents Attending Physician Visit’s???

Anonymous

Our one year old daughter needs to see a Pediatrics GI Specialist about an hour from us next week. I’ve had several issues with my in-laws since they live near us 6 months out of the year. They wanted to bring dinner over tonight so my wife said sure. As soon as they arrived they asked about the doctor’s appointment and said they would be coming to the doctor appointment with us... We are all concerned about my daughter not have consistent bowel movements and when she does she goes through significant pain during each bowel movement which is very hard for us to watch. We can only imagine the pain she goes and we feel helpless. Grandparents I initially told my wife that I think her parents were going to come to the doctor’s appointment based on the way they have behaved with us over the past six months. She told me she didn’t think they would come. I was a bit relieved as while I recognize we are all concerned I feel that it would be an over kill to have them come to this appointment. I was shocked and frustrated when her father said they were coming. My wife likely saw my eyes go blood shot and asked my opinion... however I couldn’t tell if she wanted them to come or not... I said sure it would be fine he is a doctor and he feels he could use his “position” as a doctor to make sure the Pediatrics GI doctor take our case seriously. —— whatever... while maybe it can’t hurt I don’t think we will be treated better and in fact it’s annoying to me. Tension rose in the room and the baby could tell. I went to look for prior x-rays out of request of my father in law and my wife came to talk to me. I told her I felt she made me look like the one who didn’t want want them to come which I guess is true as my wife doesn’t have an issue with them coming... however being shocked by what felt bossy. I feel that parents take kids to the doctor even specialists and don’t need grandparents to attend. To me this are what parents do with our children. Your thoughts?

  • Carol
    Nov 02, 2018

    I completely agree with you. Grandparents are a special can of worms.. I would have your wife call them and just tell them you two talked and decided you'd like to go just you two. You don't need any further explanation.

  • Anonymous
    Nov 02, 2018

    I would be livid. No place for them there. Hope all the best goes with your daughters appt and health ❤️

  • Anonymous
    Nov 03, 2018

    Here was a perfect chance for you to set a boundary. You complain all the time about how they are in your life too much and your wife doesn’t see your view. Here she asked you! And you said they should come. This one is on you. You could have said no, I know you’re a doctor but we’d rather just us go. We will let you know what they say. Yes. It’s crazy they wanted to come. And now they think it’s fine because you said so. Not your wife. You.

  • anonymous mom
    Nov 03, 2018

    You had the opportunity to voice your opinion. It doesn’t matter if your wife wants them there. You’re allowed to disagree and she was asking your opinion on it. It also doesn’t matter if your FIL is a doctor. You should ask him if he only takes patients who come to his practice seriously if they have a family member who is a doctor present. I would hope not. But none of this matters...you had the opportunity to voice your opinion and concerns and let them know they’re not welcome and you didn’t take it. It’s time to stand up to them and your wife or you will end up dealing with this forever.

  • JJ
    Nov 03, 2018

    I’m with Julie and the second anonymous 100%. You had the chance and you let it go by. If you don’t have a backbone and can’t set boundaries and tell people the how you honestly feel, then you’re going to have a miserable life. You can’t say they’re taking advantage or abusing the situations if they don’t know that’s how you feel. They probably assume they’re being helpful and caring because no one has told them otherwise. This could lead to you just blowing up and losing it one day at the wrong place and time, and then who will that help? You have to keep open and honest lines of communication, even if it might hurt feelings sometimes, because if you don’t then you’re just shooting your self in the foot and paving the road for a future of anger and resentment.

  • Anonymous
    Nov 03, 2018

    I understand your pain. I have the same kind of situation. The only difference is it is my husband's family. They also live with us most of the time of the year. And want to be involved rather interere in every thing that I want to do for my son. I also get frustrated but my husband doesn't care what i think. He says it's his family and he won't say a thing to them and he is not able to change his parents so I am gonna have to live with whatever they do. It drives me crazy mad. But can't do anything.

  • Anonymous
    Nov 03, 2018

    All, I agree that I did blow it. My wife initially told them that it might be best for them not to come but I could tell it might not be what she wants. I’ve been told that I should never have her in the middle of choosing between her family and me so I tried to recognize they just want to help. I was surprised to hear my mother in law say we always thought we were coming. That being said the small breakthrough we did have was I opened up on what made me upset about our current relationship and how it has changed since we met in 1999 with my MIL. Is shared some of the concerns of what she said early and how maybe I misheard it and she meant well but it also implied things that made me feel that she thought I was dumb etc... She asked if it was my mom that said things like that what would I do and I said talk back and tell her and she said she wants me to do the same. Hi didn’t however tell her the biggest issues which was when she didn’t hand my daughter back to me once and it was wrong. That likely is the biggest scar. At this point I see how I totally missed my opportunity but I also see how far apart my wife and I are with her family. I heard her talking to her sister as well and I could tell that my wife, sister, and parents are likely all on the same page on having in laws at doctor is logical and makes sense maybe.... I come from an independent family structure and she comes from more of a emotional tied collective family model with the it takes a village mentality even further. We both are Asian but I’m 6th generation and she is 2nd with her parents moving here in the 70’s. She and I realize that I’m more Americanized with independence and she likely is more Asian with connected extended family. I guess in Asian culture grandparents play a bigger role and even take care of the baby when parents work etc... I have a virtual job so I’m around more which throws them off etc... So yes sucked yesterday with me NOT standing my ground but I don’t like being the one that is viewed as the troublemaker. I felt she called me out so I would say no and look like the bad guy. When my I was stayed when I’m on business trip they likely are happy and when I’m back they likely think I’m the barrier that doesn’t want them around as much. Not sure how to get my wife to see my view. It seems like she may see it but just disagree with it.

  • anonymous mom
    Nov 03, 2018

    Hmmm. Well it sounds to me that your wife is basically giving you the go-ahead to stand your ground and push back. I’m from a regular American family but I grew up extremely close to my parents and siblings. It was very much the agricultural type family where the older siblings took care of the younger ones, etc. I told my parents, especially my mom, everything about myself and my life even after I left for college. When you have a bond like that it’s not always easy being the one to finally start pushing back against your parents. For me it was really hard. I would blame a lot on my husband which wasn’t really fair and was definitely adolescent of me but I didn’t know how else to deal with it. It sounds like a somewhat similar situation in that your wife is trusting you to go ahead and push back with her parents because she feels that she can’t and therefore won’t do it herself. As for when in laws (or anyone) won’t give the baby back when you ask, I’m sorry but F them. That is so inappropriate and I had a similar experience with my husbands aunt. My daughter was crying because she wanted me and his aunt tried to hide her crying by taking her to another room. Then when I followed her in to take my baby she said I should leave because she knows how to take care of crying babies. So I just took my baby from her arms while she tried to hold her from me and said, “maybe you do, but she’s my baby and I’m the one who knows best.” And just walked away. I know it hurt her feelings, she’s very close to my husband. When my husband heard about it he just said, “so aunt x, you wouldn’t give my crying daughter back to her mother when she asked for her?? That’s messed up!! What do you expect the outcome of that situation to be??” And at that point his aunt realized how stupid it all was and just let it go. So yes...if that ever, ever happens again in any capacity where your MIL is trying to keep your child from you you MUST speak up right away. Also remember that for what it’s worth, daughters and sons do learn how and what to expect in others from their parents. So right now your daughter is very young but you have to realize she will start to see how both her parents let her grandparents walk all over them. I know it seems like a stretch but one day when she needs help and guidance, I think from reading your posts you would want her to seek that assistance from you or your wife. You need to take the lead and start pushing the issue of you having a primary voice in how decisions are made for your daughter. What if at this appointment the doctor presents you with two treatment plans and you want to go one way and your FIL says you should choose the other direction. You see what I mean? By not speaking up and avoiding causing trouble you are allowing him to have much more access than visits 6 months of the year. It sounds very stifling to me and I would definitely be taking a stand and letting your in laws know who the father of your child is and that you and your wife will be taking the lead from now on. I would honestly start with this dr visit and phone your FIL and tell him that you thought about it and you are sorry you agreed to let them come. Explain to him that this is a nuclear family issue and you are no longer comfortable with all of you going. Also, this is just an aside but my daughter also had to see a pediatric gastroenterologist and I know not all PGs are the same but the office had a three people policy. Meaning that only 3 people could be in the room during the exam and during the consultation afterward. What is going to happen if your office has a similar limit?? Will you and your mil wait in the lobby while your wife and FIL go in? How will that make you feel?? I’d give the office a call on Monday morning to clarify! Finally, I just wanted to say that it’s amazing you get to work from home and be with your wife and daughter. You should be enjoying every minute and not having to deal with all this extra drama! It’s time to take a stand and let everyone hear your voice:).

  • Jennifer
    Nov 03, 2018

    They shouldn’t have invited themselves. I think for them to ask if you would mind if they attend would be ok. I’ve invited my mom to a few of my own ob/gyn appointments when I was pregnant and recently my mom did go to one of my sons neurology appointments that I invited her to go with. I think saying your going to attend is over stepping.