Anonymous

How helpful are most dads?

Interested to know the dynamics of other households. My spouse works close to 70 hrs a week, and I stay at home but work part time. He helps w occasional household chores, but never helps with the kids and never wakes up before me to get the kids up and ready. Will read our daughter a book once or twice a week before bed, but has never really been very involved with the kids and typically has low energy when we do spend time together since he works so much. There is really no fun in our relationship and I know nothing is perfect, but we have talked about it and gone to counseling and I just don’t think he’ll ever be the involved father I want him to be. He is good about ordering food or going food shopping, doing dishes, but I have to scream at him to get out of bed or participate in holidays. I feel like most families on weekends wake up together, talk about what they are going to do, and spend time together. He just does whatever he needs to and doesn’t even really act like we are there.

  • Anonymous
    May 14

    My husband doesn’t work 70hrs a week but we had a similar experience where he would always sleep in and pass off baby to grandma when he was supposed to watch her. I broke down a couple times and that finally reminded him that we chose to go down this path of having a child. There is no day off or break anymore. And because of that we need to be a team. I make sure I’m much more communicative to him about when I want his help - and not ask but tell him. Perhaps you guys need a vacation if you’re able to. Even if it’s just for a few days to recharge his batteries and get back to be being a family.

  • Anonymous
    May 14

    My husband works about 70 hrs a week as well. I’m a SAHM, we only have one son at this time. Sounds like your husband does more than mine. The only thing my husband does consistently is he takes care of stuff that needs to be fixed or the bills (because he just likes to be in charge of money). Other than that I do everything else - yardwork, housework, dishes, cooking and childcare. He does help out with dishes or cooking on occasion (once or twice a month, usually when I have my period, I’m moody and worn down). As far as involvement with kids... about the same as yours. He has low energy when we spend time together. When we are out, he’s always asking when we are ready to go home. Or he’s rushing our son to go home. It’s really annoying and we have had so many talks about it. As far as bedtime routine, I do all of it except the only thing my husband does is get the bath ready. He’s doing a bit better. I think because our son has started to cry and scream at my husband if he starts playing with him or being involved in any way. My husband asked me why our son seems to be afraid of him and I flat out told him that it’s because he’s not involved in our son’s life besides being there on the couch watching tv all the time. As far as the morning... my husband is usually out the door before we are awake for the work week. On weekends, the way I make my husband get up is I send my son into the room telling him to get him out of bed. It’s funny 😆 our son is very demanding - “daddy down now.” “Daddy out now” I’ve kinda just accepted it to be honest. It sucks but I get that he’s tired.. Sorry.. no advice but just letting you know that you’re not alone.

  • Anonymous
    May 15

    I’m curious what your husbands were like before you had kids. Anyway, both my husband and I work full time. On week days he leaves before my daughter and I wake up, so I get her up and ready and to daycare. From birth, we started a routine where he does bathtime at night for some alone time with baby. And one weekend morning he gets up with her so I can sleep another hour. Otherwise, we split things about evenly. He’s super involved. But I knew he would be, since we have always split cleaning and cooking, and when we had a baby I made sure he was involved from the start.

  • Anonymous
    May 15

    Mine was in a long distance relationship for 9 years and lived alone, never lived with a gf or anyone besides his parents growing up, no siblings. He was a little more involved when my daughter was first born, and we talked about expectations etc, but then his job got super busy and he really has no time for anything else. When he is home he is so drained and I get that, but uses the job as an excuse to not do anything. I do try to leave her with him on Sat mornings and take my son out so I can get out of the house and also have one on one time with my son, but that has been getting difficult lately. I guess more than anything I want consistency and to be able to rely on him. When I see him laying on the couch I want to scream, and he knows how upset it makes me and he doesn’t seem to care. I appreciate your responses!!!

  • Anonymous
    May 16

    So I get that you are a stay at home mom so a lot of people don't consider that a JOB but it really is a 24/7 job. So your work week is 168 hours long vs his 70. My husband works from home and often does more than I want him to, I try and tell him to go away because he has other work to do, and I some times feel like he's undermining me. But since he's coming home to your job, and you're the manager I might try to set boundaries. Tell him what you expect from him, for instance you want him to bath them and read them a book every night, and let you have time to yourself on Saturday mornings, then tell him that. If you don't express your expectations then you can't do much else but resent him for not pitching in. Doing small things 45 minutes a day or so doesn't seem like an unreasonable expectation. Jamie Glowacki, the author of OH CRAP potty training just started a podcast and has an episode on boundaries and another on self care you should listen and see if it helps.

  • Anonymous
    May 16

    That’s the prob is I’ve tried setting boundaries and have asked him to help probably 20 different times and he still doesn’t, even after we’ve gone to counseling. So idk what the answer is, I guess I am venting but also wanting to see if other people deal with this in some way.

  • A
    May 16

    My husband an I both work full time. He is wonderful about helping out with the kids. We usually flip flop on the weekends who gets up in the weekends, if I am off of work. I’m a nurse so I work weird hours and he kind of has to be Mr Mom on the weekends that I work. As far as the household stuff goes - I feel like I get stuck with a much larger percentage of it than he does which irritates me but ... I’ve talked to home about it about a million times and it just never changes. I feel sometimes like men just don’t get it. Like he doesn’t see that the bathroom is disgusting or why the beds should be made. Lol He does have certain things that are kind of his duties ie he does dishes, trash, lawn care. He will cook if I ask him - but that generally means we re eating scrambled eggs for dinner. Hahaha

  • Anonymous
    May 16

    I see dad’s at my work who work long hours but aren’t really using the time effectively. They could probably finish in 50 hours if they wanted to, but aren’t motivated to go home because the office is more of a break than home.

  • Anonymous
    May 16

    That’s the feeling I get sometimes, he’s not great with time management but then I know he really is busy bc of the nature of his work and they are also shorthanded. But I also get the feeling he would rather lay around than spend time with us and that’s not ok. I’m a stay at home mom that also works part time remotely for my old company, so I am also bringing money in and he doesn’t seem to notice that either.

  • Anonymous
    Thursday

    My husband isn’t working that much and im at sahm but I will tell him when he’s slacking. He does the laundry and bathroom cleaning and cooks his own lunch and breakfast( I’m vegetarian and he likes his meat). He also cooks on the weekends and most night does the dishes. He sometimes naps after he comes home from work; if my daughter will let him. Otherwise when he’s home; he’ll read to her, take her out for a walk, play with her etc. we also give her a bath together and I still feel like being a mother is way harder than being a dad or in my case I think it’s harder being a female than a male 🤷🏻‍♀️.

  • Jess
    Thursday

    My husband had no experience as a father when we first got married but I had experience in raising my 2 year old from previous marriage. In the beginning he was similar to your SO he wouldn’t wake up when I did with my LO , also he wouldn’t help with dishes or laundry or dinner. He just worked. I asked him to go on a Starbucks date with me , to be out the house, he had no idea why but I began to talk to him and let him know I felt as if I was still being a single parent as if he wasn’t involved and how I truly don’t want to raise my son with someone who isn’t in the now. He understood and was apologetic , he needed to first hear what and why that was enough. Immediately he changed he wakes up , helps around the house , and most importantly a stellar dad. Share your emotions and his seriously impactful it is on your LO’s lives to have dad more involved. Best of luck

  • Weez
    Friday

    Ahh this sucks to hear! My husband and I split everything pretty much 50/50. I stay at home for the most part and he works, so I do the majority of the cooking/cleaning/childcare, but he pitches in everywhere he can (does laundry, dishes often, etc). But more importantly he wakes up with our son every morning so I can sleep a little later. On weekends he wakes up on Saturday and I wake up on Sunday so he can sleep in. Whenever a diaper needs to be changed or anything like that we do rock/paper/scissors for who handles it that time and it makes it fun and easier to deal with. When our son was really small we cared for him in shifts - I’d be in charge of any wake ups from 9p-5a so he could get a full night’s sleep and then he’d take him from 5a-9:30a so I could get some solid sleep in before he had to go to work. Honestly at the end of the day it’s all about caring for you partner more than anything. Each of you needs to give 100% to your relationship for it to work. I put him first because I know without a doubt he’s putting me first as well. He’s got my back, and I’ve got his and that’s the way it’s gotta be! It’s all about healthy compromise and priorities.

  • Jenny
    Friday

    We both work full time but my husband works longer hours and makes significantly more than I do. This does not mean he doesn't have to pitch in at home. I make dinner and he hangouts with the kids. After dinner he does the dishes. I do bath time with both kids but then we each get a kid for bedtime. On the weekend one day is his morning and one day is mine. You chose to build a life together so he has to do 50% of the work. If he doesn't want to, then he's telling you something about how he values your life together and the marriage.

  • Anonymous
    Sunday

    Oh he is cut lots of slack! We moved to live within a few mins of his office and far away from any help I would get so that he can focus on his career, but he barely acknowledges that we exist. I also work part time from home doing medical admin work. I would be happy for him to work less and make less but he is salary and it’s not an option at the moment. I totally get that he has an intense career but without any support myself I can’t continue to work and raise two children without ever having any help or him spending time with his kids.

  • Fodder
    Sunday

    I see what you are saying. He’s missing out on some of the best times of his life. I would give anything to relive those years. I don’t know how to make someone see that.

  • Anonymous
    Sunday

    My husband and I both have demanding careers often with long hours (similar schedule to what the OP wrote her husband works). Long hours are HARD. It really,does wear on you. But we wanted this kid, we love this kid to pieces, and this kid is both if our responsibility. So of course we both are suuuper involved. Maybe talk with your husband. Ask him what parts of spending time with the kids he feels that he misses or would like more of. What means the most to him? It may or may not be what you expect, or what is,most meaningful to you.

  • Vee
    Monday

    My boyfriend whom I live with works 50 hours a week vs my 20-25 hour job. I stay home with our 18 month old 3 days a week. He usually complains about being tired 24/7 and isn't involved in getting him ready, bathing him, feeding him. One thing he does do is change his diaper when needed. Household chores? No help at all. We've had the conversation multiple times for the past 2.5 yrs we've been living together. Recently, he had shoulder surgery so he's been home recuperating. I've brought up the convo again about cleaning and he has gotten a bit better with putting dishes in the dishwasher and running it and then putting them away. The way I see it is If it takes two to make a child then it takes two to raise one. But you can't force the dad to be more involved. It has to be something that comes from the heart. Does it suck? Extremely because you want your child to have that bond with their father but the child will get older and see the effort dad makes versus the effort mom makes. And one things for sure, dads will regret not spending more time with their babies when they're small. I have a cousin who wasn't an involved dad and now his child's 20 living out the house and he admits he regrets not spending more time with him when he could.

  • Vee
    Monday

    My only other advice to you or any other mom going through this, is teach your sons to be a better version of their fathers. Teach them to clean up after themselves and help around the house as they get older. So the day they decide to move in with a partner and have kids, they will be useful.