Anonymous

How to approach the subject with your partner about having another baby?

Hello. My husband & I have a 4 year old son. Initially, I wanted to have 2 kids close in age. No more than 3 years apart. Well, our son is now 4 years old and I’d really would like to start trying to have another baby at the beginning of next year. My husband, however, would like to wait until we start building our house which would be in another 3 years (we’re working on our land in some of the infrastructure ourselves to save some money). I’m 31, about to be 32 and with our son I had to have a c-section. For any future pregnancies, it’ll be the same. The recovery from the c-section was pretty hard for me and I feel like if I wait a few more years to have another baby for 1. There will be too much of an age gap between kids. And 2. I know I’ll have a harder time with the recovery of major surgery. Any suggestions at how I can approach this subject or how else I could explain this to my husband in another way? Has anyone else been through this?

  • Sara
    Dec 05

    I guess I would try to better understand why he wants to wait. If the concern is just around money, then I feel like you guys can work through that by putting together a financial plan. One big line item on that plan will be the child care expense of another child. If you are a stay at home parent, there wouldn't be an additional child care cost and if you're a working parent using daycare, maybe you can still afford another child because your older one should be going to school soon? If it's purely a cost issue, I think putting pen to paper and doing the math will be enlightening either to help convince him you can afford it or convince you you can't :-)

  • Vicki
    Dec 05

    If you guys definitely want another kid, I wouldn’t wait. At your age (no offense since I didn’t start trying for my first until I was 34) waiting is not necessarily a great idea. Your odds of conceiving and having a healthy pregnancy do not go up with age. On the other hand if it’s still up in the air whether you both actually want another kid, we’ll that’s a different story.

  • Lily
    Dec 05

    If you aren’t planning on doing your house for three years....I would say it would be better to have a two year old....than you being pregnant! Also, give him some numbers on how expensive it could get with like IVF and things like that.....because it does get way harder the older you get. Good luck!:)

  • Valerie
    Dec 05

    If you’re both working on building your home, you being out of commission for the duration of a pregnancy will put a lot of pressure on him. Also with a newborn to care for, you will be unable to help him and he will be unable to help you with the baby if he’s busy on the house. Resentment in both directions is a possible outcome. My husband built a tiny house to use as an office during my pregnancy and it took a lot longer than expected with him doing it alone, and having certain time sensitive parts that NEEDED to happen at a certain time. Weather proofing, installing all the windows and doors that would have sat in the driveway, etc. house building and baby making are NOT a good mix.

  • Hope Brown
    Dec 07

    Have your FSH tested if you're concerned with lowered fertility. My siblings and I are far apart in age and we have a close relationship. I don't think that has anything to do with age spacing but how much you're willing to work on the relationship. If you're trying to help build a house it's not a great idea to be pregnant and postpartum. FYI the rate of developmental complications goes from 0.5% to 1% when you get to 40. It's not that big of a difference.