Posted in Marriage & Partnership

How to not resent my husband??

Anonymous

How do you all keep yourselves from resenting your husbands when your workload is unequal. We both work full time. I almost always cook dinner, I clean up dinner, I do all the laundry except my husband’s, I get kids to and from day care, I give baths, I pay bills. my husband does watch the kids when he is off work and I am working. He also helps get the kids to bed when he is not working. If he does more than 50% I have to hear about it. He is like that with everything. It honestly makes me want to strangle him. If I say anything it will be a fight so I let him basically do whatever to avoid fights in front of the kids. It would be annoying if he was pleasant to be around aside from that, but he gets crappy with me or the kids every day. I love him but just cannot get past the unfairness of it all. Do others just suck it up? I can’t figure out if my situation is really bad or if others just deal with it better than me.

  • Amanda
    Nov 01

    Ugh this sounds exactly like my life. I think you should take time and talk to him alone about it. Maybe something's wrong? Ask why he's in a bad mood all the time. And explain to him that you're not happy either. Then you guys can work together to make things better for the both of you.

  • annag
    Nov 01

    get more people involved. For example, consider finding a relationship counsellor. He might also need his own therapist, too, if he's having anger-management problems, or motivational problems. Additionally, I particularly like the book on training your fellow humans, by the author of the New York Times article "What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage". The book is available in paperback and audio versions, and your local public library might have a copy in a format that works well for you. Here's a link to the article that got her the book deal: https://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/what-shamu-taught-me-about-a-happy-marriage.html Here's a link to an episode of Talk of the Nation, with the author, from after she wrote the book: https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=XXX-XXXX4 Here's a link to a description of the book, on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/XXX-XXXX

  • annag
    Nov 01

    Also, a recent Harvard study seems to indicate that having a mother who works outside the home is beneficial to the kids she raises. Here's a link to Harvard's press release about that study: https://www.hbs.edu/news/releases/Pages/having-working-mother.aspx

  • Chelsa
    Nov 02

    My husband and I usually split the chores pretty evenly (that’s been about 8 years of figuring it out, together 11 years and kids 6 years). But it’s from us talking when something upsets us and coming to what chores we like/don’t like and what each of us will do so the work gets done and we feel like we’re working as a team. It works out because the things he doesn’t mind, I don’t like, and vise Vera. Like, I hate doing dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, but he doesn’t like giving the kids a bath, which I would much rather do. So after dinner, we each have a routine of him cleaning up the kitchen and I give the boys a bath (as an example). We also take turns putting the boys to bed so one can relax at night. It was easier when we had just one, haha, but it’s nice when you have the night off (unless the kids request one of us specifically that night). I used to get frustrated with him when I’d be running around the house cleaning (I get anxious if the house is messy and cluttered) and he’s sitting on the couch. Now, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t say there were times he’d be cleaning over his fair share, and I’d be on the couch. Point is, come from a place of understanding why he might be tired or frustrated, explain how you feel and what would be helpful to you both as a team. If it comes from a place of love, you can’t fight with that. And if it turns into a fight (we’ve been there!), you’re always moving one space forward in your relationship to resolving things together than letting it fester and blow up later (been there too!). Hope that helps!