Posted in Infertility, Tough Topics

How to tell my friend I’m pregnant whose struggling with infertility

Anonymous

A good friend of mine has been struggling with infertility since the birth of my daughter 1.5 years ago. She’s since gone through 2 ivf cycles, multiple surgeries and tests and nothing is working. We’ve had our struggles because I have my daughter and it’s hard for her to see me sometimes but I’ve been a big source of support for her and am always there to listen. I went through my own fertility treatments to have my daughter but now recently found out we got accidentally pregnant. Im heartbroken for her. Literally the moment I found out I was pregnant my husband jumped for joy but I cried because I knew she was gonna be heartbroken and I felt life is just so unfair. I’m scared to tell her. Scared she’ll shut me out, Scared she’ll stop talking to me, be mad and hate me. She recently got some awful news which will prevent her from getting pregnant for many months due to needing surgery again and she just went through her second IVF cycle. I’m coming up to 12 weeks. I have to tell her. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to tell her.

  • Lulu
    Nov 03, 2018

    It is sad that the joy you could be feeling is robbed of you. I'm so sorry. All I can suggest is to be honest with her. Tell her your fears, that she will hate you, etc.

  • Megan
    Nov 03, 2018

    I’m in your boat 🙁 I’m friends with the loveliest woman who has been trying to get pregnant for a year before I got pregnant with my first and I’m now on my second. I hated telling her both times, but I think she would have been really hurt had I NOT told her. She has been very sweet and genuinely happy for me, but I basically told her that it’s ok if she’s not. And if she’s not, not to worry about raining on my parade and that I’m still the person that wants to hear about it if she’s frustrated or down about her process. It seems like it would be a really emotional sore spot to have to deal with infertility and I think the only thing you can do is be honest and TRULY accept however she decides to cope with the situation. If she needs some space, she needs some space. Understandable. I can tell my friend needs some and I’m always ready to pick back up when we do see each other, no hard feelings. Congrats on your pregnancy too 😊

  • Margaret
    Nov 03, 2018

    I think you should manage your own expectations. She’s an adult and you’re an adult and you’re friends and you share things with your friends because you’re happy and excited and it’s a big deal. So you can share this with her. And she might also be happy and excited for you but she might also be sad for herself and she might distance herself while she processes and that’s OKAY. She also doesn’t HAVE to be happy or excited for you but I bet she’ll still support you as a friend. I’ve had friends who have struggled with fertility and usually they confess that it’s a hard emotion because they DO love their friends and are so excited but it also SUCKS BALLS at the same time. Just know, and really internalize, that the “sucks balls” part is *not* directed at you.

  • Andrea
    Nov 04, 2018

    I’ve been on both sides of this situation. I hated that a friend had worried so much about how to tell me when I was struggling... and in turn, I hated telling a different friend my news (with baby #2) when she’s been struggling for so long. In both situations, everything turned out fine. Of course I was jealous when my friend told me (especially bc it was an accident), but I was way more excited for my friend than anything else. I would have been hurt had she not included me in the details of her pregnancy and in her child’s life.. just to spare my feelings. All friendships are different... and this will be a real test to your guys’. As mentioned above, let your friend process however she needs to... but don’t miss out on enjoying every second of this pregnancy. Fast forward to baby #2... I was so nervous to tell a friend bc she’s been struggling (I’m finding that a lot more ppl struggle to get pregnant than I realized). Anyways, she was totally happy for me and felt bad that I’d worried so much about how to tell her. I still found myself feeling guilty... my heart just breaks for my friend ... and I feel terrible that I’m going to have 2 babies before she’s even pregnant with her first. At the same time, I know things will work for her when it’s suppose to... and the fact that she’s going through all this heartache will make her appreciate every second that much more me she does get pregnant. Good luck!

  • Michelle
    Dec 05, 2018

    I am the only person aside from my best friends sister that she’s been happy for. But I also had 2 miscarriages before my baby so she knows I’ve struggled too. I have no advice other than the fact that she’ll want to know before anyone else, I think. She’ll feel the pain no matter what but don’t make her feel like she’s not important by telling others first.