Posted in Divorce & Separation, Marriage & Partnership, Relationships

Husband isn’t happy with family life

Anonymous

Our first pregnancy was unplanned, and second we planned so our first wouldn’t be lonely. Lately we argue once a week it feels like and he stays over somewhere else when we go. He’s said he resents me and the kids (toddler and infant) and he misses his old life and he had dreams and now it’s on the back burner. I don’t have sex with him as much because ever since the babies it hurts and he complains about that. He’s called me a lame prude and he’s apologized. We had a talk, and he said he wants to split the kids three days each so he could have three days to focus on his school and career and have his time. I told him it wasn’t fair. I don’t know what to do? He says he wants me to be happy and that I deserve better and I’m the best wife and mother he could ask for. But he wants to be free and not be controlled. I have dreams too, I want to travel as well but I know with kids it’ll take longer and I’m okay with that. I know I can’t do as I please and that’s fine my kids are my world and I feel like it’s not fair but what else can we do?

  • Anonymous
    Jun 23

    You need to go to couples counseling as soon as possible. Talk it out. In the end, if he thinks the relationship is over not much you can do. But maybe talking with someone else there to ask questions will help him figure it out. Sorry. That sucks.

  • Anonymous
    Jun 23

    He still says he loves me etc. but he isn’t up for family life. He says he’s too tired to do what he wants. So he thinks splitting the kids three days each is the answer. He doesn’t wanna leave them with me completely because it would be unfair and people would call him a shitty dad. But he doesn’t wanna take them completely either. How is it fair for a kid to be moving constantly? And no stability. They’re babies now but what about when they go to school.

  • Ivy
    Jun 23

    I’m sorry to hear what’s going on. When two people love each other enough to create another human being, it should be something beautiful and something cherished. Sure, many people don’t feel like parents or want the role of parents right away, but when someone has commitments and love, that it was motives them to do right by their family. It’s sad when people can only think of themselves— people have to learn how to consider that other people matter as well, especially when it comes to their own children. I agree that about trying some counseling. I have heard that some men have a difficult time agreeing to it, but it’s worth a try. I hope your husband can see that you guys deserve a happy life and that his kids deserve his best— even if it’s not perfection. Parenting is scary and hard work, but it doesn’t mean giving up having fun. I have friends who travel and go out with their kids so much, but also friends who take the time to travel without their kids. It’s about finding a balance for your own family. If he absolutely won’t do counseling, is there anyone close to you both, who love you both, that would be able to offer some kind of intervention or even just advice for him? Grandparent, parent, sibling, cousin, best friend...? Also, I’m not sure if you’ve spoken to your obgyn about pain while having sex, but it may be helpful.

  • Holly Garnett-Pedreira
    Jun 24

    He knew the consequences of having a child. He decided to have ANOTHER. He wasnt thinking of his "dreams" then. How old is he may I ask? Is he going through mid life crisis maybe? If he wanted to focus so badly on himself he should have never had another kid so soon. He chose family life! I say go to counseling and let another person see what goes on and tell him that isnt what a father and husband does. If that doesnt seem to work out then maybe think about your next option. I know it is tough, relationships arent perfect and mine is far from it. Maybe get a babysitter one day a week and go out for date night?

  • Anonymous
    Jun 24

    I agree with talking to your OBgyn about sex and why it hurts. But for the other part, if he’s deciding he doesn’t want to be married, other than counseling, not sure what you can do about it. Yes it sucks for you and for the kids. And maybe once he’s a single dad half the time he’ll see that’s harder and you can decide if you want to take him back. But...people get divorced. It sucks. But then you move on.