Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Sleep, Toddlers

Husband not on same page

I really believe we need to sleep train our 14mo, maybe the Ferber method. My husband is completely against letting her cry for more than 20mins. I informed him that I am going to start today and that maybe it would be a good idea if he sleeps out at his parents house for the next 3 nights (since he has to be up at 2am for work). His reply is great I’m getting kicked out of my own house. I told him he isn’t getting kicked out but I/we are not going to be picking her up and that she needs to learn to self soothe. Main reason for doing this is because she has been getting up in the middle of the night for 2+hrs. She used to be a great sleeper but I think her bottom molars are coming in. Has anyone been through this with their spouse? If so, how did you manage it?

  • Annie
    Aug 29

    Have you tried giving her some Tylenol or ibuprofen before bed? If you think she’s crying bc of tooth pain this could help too. Also it may help to remind him that at this point she isn’t crying bc she needs you or is in distress, she’s protesting. Babies learn in the first 3 months that they have you to care for them when they need you so letting her self soothe isn’t going to undo that if that is his concern. This is a new skill she needs to learn which is ultimately harder on you guys then it is for her. Just keep reminding yourself of that when she’s crying. The first night is going to be the worst but it gets better, they figure it out. If it helps when we trained our son he cried for nearly an hour the first night and it was brutal. 2nd night 30 min, 3rd 10. Now he’s an awesome sleeper. Your husband can either get on board or choose to self pity that he can’t sleep in his own bed while you do the hard work on this one. Then he can thank you in a few days when your little one is an amazing sleeper thanks to her Mom 😁.

  • Anonymous
    Aug 29

    If her bottom molars are coming in and causing sleep disruption, sleep training isn't going to do anything but leave her awake, in pain, and crying. I would be upset too. You have to make these decisions together and you're completely disregarding his feelings and leaving him out of it.

  • Jackie
    Aug 29

    We do medicine before bed and she sleeps for 2-3hrs and then just wants us to hold her. We will go in and hold her and when we think she’s asleep we go to put her down and she wakes right up! Some nights we can’t put her down for hours and at that point we end up just bringing her into our bed. I don’t want to get in this bad habit that she NEEDS us to put her to bed. My husband still has to put his almost 10yo son in bed and stay with him for a few minutes most nights! I don’t want that!!!

  • Raji
    Aug 29

    I wish I had done sleep training when kiddo was younger; as I’m usually the one “stuck” with putting her to bed and am mostly up if she wakes up at night and needs to be held or rocked. If you are the one who is putting her to bed or waking with her I don’t think it’s unreasonable to sleep train her if you want to. But, maybe wait until she her molars are out as she could be in pain and just need extra love for now.

  • Momof1
    Aug 29

    We sleep trained my son and he never cried more than 30 mins at a time. We would just pat him on the back and leave again then the crying would continue. It’s completely possible to sleep train without crying more than 20 mins at a time. It will just cost you some sleep. The goal would be not to pick the baby up and see if she can learn to fall asleep without you holding her. Once she can do that then leaving the room would be next step

  • Rachelle
    Aug 29

    Honestly babywise method is the best I’ve found. Basically by having a set feeding/playing routine makes the baby fall asleep at the same time every night. My 20m old is still teething so if he’s has a slight fever I’ll give him Tylenol, if he wakes after that chamomile teething tabs but normally just being on the same schedule makes him sleep at the same time regardless of teething discomfort... sickness on the other hand is a whole other story.

  • Anonymous
    Aug 29

    I’m just going to say that if my husband said the same thing to me and I didn’t believe in cry it out I would be pretty mad, and I think a lot of people would be saying not nice things about the dad respecting the moms parenting opinion. I think you guys need to be on the same Page before doing something either way. I would tell him that if he’s not comfortable, to try doing research on a method he is comfortable With and encourage him to get up with her until he leaves for work.

  • Ivy
    Aug 29

    My husband and I were in disagreement for a while about sleep training. I did not want our son to cry it out and I was able to get him on a schedule and sleep on his own. After we moved to a new town and had to all share a bed for a couple months, our son no longer slept on his own. Eventually, I let my husband sleep train our son. But crying it out didn’t work for him and he kept crying and screaming for hours until he would vomit. Eventually, my husband tried leaving the bedroom a little bit each day. First night, he sat with his arm on the bed, the next day he took his arm off but still sat there, then he gradually moved to the middle of the room and finally made it out the door. He now sleeps pretty well. But I think if the kiddo is teething, she may need actual comfort until she’s done with this phase

  • Jackie
    Aug 29

    Thanks everyone. He gets up on the nights I have to be up at 2am. However, I end up going in after a while because he gets frustrated and can’t deal with it. So I think for now we’ll continue to do what we have been. I hate to do it but we all need sleep but bringing her in our bed until she falls back asleep is what we might have to do. I can’t continue to hold her for 2+ hrs before she falls back asleep. I’m going for surgery in the middle of next month and won’t really be able to pick her up for atleast 1-2weeks. This means he’s gonna have to get up every night. I think he might regret not atleast trying the Ferber method. 🤷🏻‍♀️

  • Vonda
    Sep 06

    We did a slightly modified version of the Ferber method. We didn’t have him cry longer than 5/10 min. Because we noticed that if we waited longer he regressed. We go in and calm him but don’t take him out of the crib. I hugged him. Then once he calmed down I had him lay down and then I slowly leave. Pausing sometimes if he gets wound up again. But not going back to the crib until I have left and waited another time amount. Usually he would fall asleep after I had left. He now sleeps through the night and self soothes. If he’s teething I give my LO Tylenol before bed. That has helped.

  • Anonymous
    Sep 10

    Don't start sleep t raining when molars are coming in. 1. It wont work well 2. Its kinda cruel to baby

  • anonymous mom
    Oct 22

    Hey there, how’d it end up going for you?? I know I’m late to the party but I wanted to say I find these things to be a two yes or it’s a no situation. I just don’t like the idea of forcing such an important decision. Of course this means your husband has to be on board with helping with overnight wake ups too. Also I never get any sleep when my daughter is teething. Maybe wait till that’s done before you try, if you decide to try.

  • Jackie
    Oct 22

    Hello Anonymous mom, we haven’t done the sleep training. Her bottom molars we’re coming through and we are still waking up once a night for usually no more than 20/30 mins. We do however give her a small bottle when she wakes up (ya ya I know bad for her teeth). We just talked the other day about stopping that hopefully soon. I told him I’m all for not giving her a bottle (which I usually don’t cause she’ll fall back asleep for me without one) but he needs to be on board with it, she will cry and point at the door when he gets up with her. I believe her canine teeth are coming in now because she’s showing ALOT of teething symptoms so we will probably wait until all those are in and then just bit the bullet and sleep train/no bottle after. Thanks for asking!

  • Stacey
    Oct 23

    We let our son cry for 10 minutes then if he is still crying we go in and sit with him for a little while, give him some water and a diaper change if he needs it. Then back in the crib and he usually will cry for 5 min or so. Most nights now he will cry for 2 minutes maybe or he goes right to sleep. He still has nights we go in but that is maybe 1 time a month or less and he is 2 right now.