Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Relationships

Husband wants me to lose weight

Anonymous

My husband frequently mentions that we should “both” go to the gym yet makes no effort to go himself but gets mad that I don’t go, even though I do go more frequently than him. Claims he wants our family to be “healthy” despite encouraging poor eating habits. Says he doesn’t want me to be unhappy when I see photos of myself and I look big. Really I think he doesn’t want to have a fat wife. I don’t feel I’m given enough opportunity to go, and after a 14 hour day with our kids ( our daughter doesn’t nap), and after I clean up all the mess of the day (putting away toys, dishes) going to the gym is the last thing I want to do. I’m 5”4 and weigh about 170 pounds. I don’t love my body, but I want my husband to love me for the person I am on the inside, not the outside. Sometimes, I do feel like he focuses too much on my physical appearance and it makes me feel bad about myself. We have 2 kids. 4 years and 8 months. I guess just looking for some advice how to handle the situation.

  • Anonymous
    Aug 08

    I’ve thought about this for a while cuz you are not wrong in thinking that your husband should love the inner you and not focus on the outside. Especially, since weight gain happens with babies and I’m guessing your husband can use some gym himself. Maybe to approach this, you can make a list of things that would help you get to the gym more often. Make a list of things around the house he can do that would give you the time you need or you can also workout at home while he does house work and look after the kids. Put the ball in his corner to get you the time you need to workout. And, you wouldn’t be doing this for him but yourself as working out will make you feel great( always makes me feel good to burn sweat) also list the bad eating habits he’s bringing into the house. Don’t feel bad about yourself especially since the body gave you two kids and in reality it’s hard to find time for yourself if the spouse isn’t pulling their weight. Remember this is about you and for you and not him.

  • Anonymous
    Aug 08

    Depending on how mentally strong you are, ask him outright: ‘Are you ashamed of my body?’ As the normal response goes he would say ‘No, I love you how you are..blah blah blah.’ because I’ve never met a guy that is 100% honest about it. But read his reaction. And tell him that you are know that you’re not in the best shape - geez, I’m reminded everyday. But I’m proud of my body that brought your 2 children in this world. Honestly, I was expecting you to say your kids were older, but 8m?! Your body is still recovering. He needs to give you a break. Or how about some motivation and get his butt in shape first?! This may also be him deflecting his self-consciousness on to you. Instead of saying ‘I’ he says ‘You’ or ‘We’ so he is not singled out and gets insecure. There’s lots of ways to approach this, you just have to figure out what you want in the end though. Sure this situation sucks but you both will continue to deal with it until you agree on what you guys want to happen and make the necessary steps towards that result.

  • Katie
    Oct 24

    The only important thing about this conversation is yourself. You said you don’t love your body and you want to be healthier. Then forget what he says (yes I know that’s hard) and focus on what makes you feel healthier. If you don’t like going to the gym then don’t. Get involved with a physical class (kickboxing, cycling, cross fit, yoga, running club) anything that speaks to you and has definite times built in. Then you will look forward to it and he can’t say you should go more because classes are at a specific time. Make him your partner in getting healthy on your terms, not just what he thinks it should be (going to the gym). Challenge him on anything that doesn’t add to your healthy plan, like bringing chips in the house or whatever. Overall it has to be for you and if what he says is hurtful then tell him so. Good luck 💗