Anonymous

I feel like I spend a lot of time yelling and I hate it.

My kids are 7 and 4. Weekends can be hell. We’re around each other every day, they fight, ask to watch TV 100 times a day, etc. Just today my 4 year old pulled a coffee cup off the table and poured cold coffee over her head, dropped her bowl of pudding on the ground (I yelled this time) and finally, stepped on the glass panel to my large photo frame. It was a project I was finally getting around to, daughter came over and stood on the panel and broke it. I lost my temper and screamed. I had enough! In the moment it feels good but immediately after I felt like dirt. I was raised by a dad with a hot temper. I don’t want to carry it on, but how much can a person take in a day before breaking?! It’s so frustrating! But how do I do better while still enforcing consequences?

  • Arleasha
    May 19

    I have 4 boys (6,5,3,2) and I am a stay at home mom and I yell a lot and it’s eating me up emotionally every time I yell at my kids I have been searching for books about this very same topic. Got quite a few books that deal with this very topic but honestly your doing your best and yelling sometimes is the only thing that kids respond to. Take care and believe me your not the only momma yelling at their kids trust and believe your not alone.

  • Arleasha
    May 19

    A good book to check out: Mommy’s in time out. On Amazon

  • Ashly
    May 19

    Following!

  • Kate
    May 20

    Hi there, just want to say good for you for speaking out about this, and I can relate. I also had a dad with a bad temper, and I’m still working daily to “unlearn” that behavior. Because I hated it, and I hate that I have a part of it in me. I made a commitment that the physical stuff (spanking, hitting) would stop with me, that my children would never know that, and I’m proud to say I’ve kept that commitment and am no where near breaking that. But I do lose my shit at times still, and it’s almost always directed at my husband, who was raised in a house of quiet voices and minimal conflict. Even though it can feel good in the moment - the explosive outbursts are almost our way of releasing all that tension - each time creates more fear, more unpredictability for those we love. Your kids will still obey your rules and respect you without having to resort to “fear tactics”, for lack of a better term. As I said, I’m still finding my way with this myself, but a couple things I’d humbly recommend: - Take care of yourself. Make time in your day or week to feel good. Could be anything from extra pampering or even a therapy session. Whatever makes you feel good. - Find a method (or a few) to manage your anger. Is it breathing in the moment? Do you need to walk away? Does a morning meditation keep you centered throughout your day? Maybe there’s a mantra you can repeat until that urge to explode subsides. Explore, find what works, and practice it often. - Find a different discipline style that works for you, or that you’d like to emulate, and try it out. I read a lot of Janet Lansbury, but I think her work may skew more toward toddlers and babies. Wish I had had more recommendations for you on this. - Not sure if you do this already, but consider apologizing after a blow-up. There’s something about the upfront acknowledgment of a) I made a mistake/that wasn’t ok and b) I’m working on it that may keep you accountable and begin to repair things. - Check out Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids. I read it a while ago and found it helpful, and your post has inspired me to re-read it. You got this. You’re human and, like all of us, a work in progress. No one has it all figured out. Forgive yourself for what’s already happened, and try again, every day. It’s certainly work, but there’s no better investment.

  • MamaNukesYopolo
    May 20

    There is a free conference going on right now where you can watch videos on parenting peacefully. Happily family conference. It has several special interviews focused on special or high needs kids but most of it is applicable to every kid and parent. I love it. Gives me a lot of perspective.

  • Maria
    May 20

    I believe that positive reinforcement works better for my family. I’m a mom of 3 ages 6,4, and 5 month old. So instead of focusing on all the things they do wrong focus on the good things they do. Always praise them for it. If the oldest is being helpful with your youngest praise him if they are playing nice and not fighting praise them. For example, “thank you John and Mark for playing nice with each other and not fighting. That makes mommy happy and proud of you guys”. I also involve them in the clean ups when they make big messes. I have them try their best to clean it up themselves then I step in at the end and finish whatever they didn’t get. I then explain why is important to eat all food and snacks at the table. I also try to have a routine for them and try to stick with it. Usually my 4 y.o wants his own agenda and tell me what’s going to happen next but I firmly explain that’s not what we are doing and that I’m sorry but maybe after they are done with whatever I asked them to initially like pick up their toys and place in the toy box they can watch another show. To prevent meltdowns for turning off the tv I always give them a heads up. Like, after this commercial or show we are shutting tv off going to get ready to go to the store, or just shower, eat etc. It helps. I feel like communicating with them more helps ease the day. Don’t forget outdoor time very important. Also, I try to be involved in a game with them inside or outside the house like hide and seek, or dancing contest, anything they invite you too. I know there’s always chores to do but at the end of the day dishes and clothes will still be there and your kids will not. They will grow and not want you around anymore.. hope this helps! Good luck!! Stay strong momma!!

  • Momof2
    May 22

    It can be so hard to stay calm with our kids, you are not alone! But I think it’s great that you are willing to work towards being a calmer better parent. Definitely taking the time to care for yourself is super important to be able to stay calmer during those difficult times. I also grew up with a dad who had a temper. I knew I didn’t want to parent that way. But for me I knew I couldn’t just say I don’t want to parent that way I had to choose how I DO want to parent.a Podcast called Joyful Courage - A Conscious Parenting Podcast has been really helpful. I also really like this podcast episode http://www.tiltparenting.com/2018/07/10/episode-116-psychologist-and-author-dr-dan-peters-on-parenting-with-intention-and-purpose/

  • Amy
    May 23

    I’m currently trying to improve on this too. I really like the podcast Celebrate Calm. It’s hard to find time to listen to it but he has such great advice.

  • Anonymous
    Jun 07

    I highly recommend to read "Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting" by Dr. Laura Markham. She has a web-site that is helpful too - https://www.ahaparenting.com Yet the book did wonders to my temper and it really works.