Posted in Infertility, Tough Topics

I have a family member that is pretty close to me. She is older and has been married several years more than me. They've been TTC for 7 years, spending tens of thousands of dollars on treatments. We tried for 1 month and conceived. How do I excitedly talk about my baby and pregnancy AROUND her (not to her) without having to walk on eggshells? She's obviously really hurt. Anyone have experience with this? EDIT: I am not talking to her alone, I'm referring to when she's around at family gatherings.

  • Sara
    Jan 31, 2018

    The honest answer is that you really shouldn't talk excitedly about your baby and pregnancy with her (unless she brings it up, but even then I'd keep it pretty brief). Hopefully there are other people in your life like your partner or your mom or your best friend who you can get excited with but for someone trying to conceive unsuccessfully it can be extremely painful and triggering to talk about someone else's pregnancy, especially someone close to them. This doesn't mean you have to keep it a secret but I'd just be sensitive to the fact that every time you bring it up you are causing her some amount of pain even though you totally don't mean to.

  • Kayla
    Jan 31, 2018

    Well it's not like I hang out with her alone. When We're together it's at family functions where we're all together. So me talking about it is to the general family. It's hard to avoid her...

  • Sara
    Jan 31, 2018

    Yea that’s tough. I was in a similar situation with some friends where one was struggling to get pregnant. We basically just avoided the topic when all together but it’s hard and there are definitely times you can’t avoid it since when you’re visibly pregnant it feels like that is all people want to ask you about!

  • Kayla
    Jan 31, 2018

    Yeah I feel like she resents me. My cousin just had her second kid and she felt the same way from this relative too. It makes us feel bad for this wonderful thing. I was hoping someone figured out the trick of how to talk about baby when this person is around.

  • Denise
    Jan 31, 2018

    Would you consider inviting her to be a god-mother?

  • Lavisha
    Feb 01, 2018

    I don’t know you spiritual background (not religious but spiritual) but maybe if you could honestly pray that you were both able to show understanding and compassion towards each other. With a gentle approach involve her in some things. If y’all are close enough and in time maybe invite her to a Dr appointment (sonogram).

  • Kayla
    Feb 01, 2018

    Great ideas to consider ladies, thank you

  • Teresa
    Feb 01, 2018

    I would say to try and put yourself in her shoes. I was in that place at one point and I hated that feeling. I was still incredibly happy for my friends but so broken that it wasn’t me. Especially when I lost my first pregnancy. I would not avoid it exactly because that could make things awkward or more stressful, but Be sensitive to her situation. Congratulations and good luck.

  • Kayla
    Feb 01, 2018

    I try to be sensitive. I'm aware of what she's been through and have given her my condolences. I have also had a miscarriage. This is my rainbow baby. I think I should clarify again. This isn't me speaking to her one on one about baby. This is me feeling forced to walk on eggshells when my family all gets together. I want to rejoice and share about my pregnancy but she's in the room staring daggers at me and ignoring me. It shuts me down and makes me not want to share my excitement with my family.

  • Diana
    Feb 01, 2018

    I have not been in your situation, but if I were, I'd try to approach it directly: "sister, you know how aunt so and so is when it comes to babies, any time it gets to be a bit much for you, just signal me and I'll do my best to try and steer the conversation another direction." Basically, acknowledge that you are going to talk baby talk with other family members, but you want to be considerate to her while doing so.

  • Kayla
    Feb 01, 2018

    I like that Diana. Thanks!

  • Laura
    Feb 02, 2018

    I have a different way of looking at this... I once struggled with infertility... then after years me and my husband got pregnant then I went into premature labor in my 5th month of pregnancy.. I delivered and he passed away.. my question is Are you sure that she feels resentful towards you? It just may be making her uncomfortable because everyone assumes she will be resentful. If everyone knows her struggles she may feel awkward in those types of settings. What I’m trying to point out is that if you never have talked to her one on one where she has told you it’s hard watching you be pregnant then you don’t truly know how she is feeling about it. I think the next time you are with her and you since the “daggers” maybe carve out some time to talk alone about it with her. Assumptions just cause tension... you could use the opportunity to encourage her. I went through all that and had my rainbow baby plus another!