Anonymous

I need help with the baby but don't know how to ask

My husband works full-time to support us and our son and when he comes home he just wants to unwind. I'll ask him to briefly hold the baby or play with him while I cook dinner or pump breast milk but he's never that happy about it and so I don't feel comfortable asking for more help. Our son is super fussy because he has tummy problems and by the end of the day I'm so exhausted from trying to sing to him rub his belly bounce him talk to him and do everything I can to keep him happy that I just need a little break. I don't know how to ask for this because I feel like my husband already does enough by going to work so I can stay home with our baby. I'm also getting resentful because he doesn't help much with him at all. Our son can't nap by himself because he's a super light sleeper and just has to be on the boob so even when he's napping I'm laying with him and I don't have time to do anything for myself. Which is okay I've accepted it but I think I need a little tiny break every once in awhile. How do I communicate this to my husband?

  • JJ
    Aug 31, 2018

    That’s bull. I work all day as the breadwinner and I don’t pull this. I’m a parent. I work long hours and I get 20 minutes to myself when I get home and then I get to it. You’re his partner, not his employee.

  • Savvi
    Aug 31, 2018

    Lay it all out. Honey, you work 60 hours a week. In the past *lets say your kid is 5 months* 5 months, you have worked 1320 hours give or take. I’ve “worked” 3672 hours with NO breaks. I don’t get lunch breaks, I don’t get weekends. Please understand that I’m not diminishing your role here, I’m simply trying to put it in context on how run down and worn out I am. I can’t function with an empty cup.

  • Hailey
    Aug 31, 2018

    Tell him that you need help with your guys baby and that you really understand that he wants to relax because he worked so hard all day

  • Andrea
    Aug 31, 2018

    First of all let him know that his job is stable and predictable and life at home with a baby is not. The baby is his too. So even if it sounds cold hearted he should do his load of house responsibilities when he is home and then take a small break. Parents who don’t wish to take care of their children shouldn’t have planned on having children. Also, make a list and a schedule so that at least once a week you and your husband get an hour or a 2 hour break or disconnect from everything

  • Danielle
    Aug 31, 2018

    I would be as straight up as possible.

  • Hillary
    Sep 02, 2018

    My husband and I have agreed on a system or schedule of sorts based on each others needs. He goes to the gym X times a week and I dont complain bc it's important to him. I get to sleep in and have me time without the baby X times a week and dont feel guilty about it which I desperately need. We're unified, supportive, and baby is loved by two parents who are sane/at their best. Win win win.

  • Agata
    Sep 02, 2018

    My husband did this too, even after I communicated to him that I needed a break. I started to just say ‘can you watch the baby I’m going to take a quick shower’ and then take 45 mins- to an hour to myself. Then I would sneak in and find them playing. Our son is almost 3 and he still has never changed his diaper, bathed him, fed him, or put him in the car seat. But he does play with him and teach him stuff. So that’s cute.

  • Misha
    Sep 03, 2018

    It sounds that your baby is a new born or an infant, it also sounds like you’re having some Postpartum. Listen, we’ve ALL been there in one shape or the other but you have to speak up. Unfortunately, some men need it to be spelled out. Sit him down and tell him how you feel and what you need help with and you need to speak up when you have the baby on your nipple and you just dropped the burp cloth on the floor and you can’t move and you need a hand because moving an inch would mess everything up. You both made that baby together. And speak with a friend constantly, that saved me during my postpartum. Good luck

  • Stephanie
    Sep 04, 2018

    Honestly , I got up early on a Sunday made sure my husband got up as well. Told him I went for a Sunday paper and came back around 7pm. Let me just tell you how appreciative he was about how hard my days are. He complained he didn’t know how I did it and since then he helps out a lot more. If talking doesn’t work then you have to put them through it. Just because they provide for us to stay home doesn’t mean we can’t speak out about how we feel. You have a full time job too being a stay at home mommy, don’t ever feel like your job is less important just because your husband brings home the bacon.

  • Tatyana
    Sep 04, 2018

    Decide on a decent window of time (30/45/60 mins...) that your husband can unwind and relax alone after work and then it’s baby duty for him for an hour or 2 while you make dinner or just relax alone. I get that he wants to relax after work and decompress but he needs to understand you are not able to unless he helps you do that. And remind him you will feel refreshed and a lot happier and in a better mood for him after you get a chance to unwind as a SAHM. Win-win.

  • Angie
    Sep 04, 2018

    I like Jenns response. If he doesnt agree to help out after you say this directly to him, whether that be helping you with nighttime routines after work from 5-8 or giving you more cash for a sitter or part time daycare/school then suggest therapy. This is one of the reasons why i left my ex and am a single mom....not one ounce of help and i was working too taking my child to work with me. If he doesnt listen consider doing whats best for you and your baby.

  • Angie
    Sep 04, 2018

    Yes Damon!

  • RH
    Sep 04, 2018

    Seriously leave him for the day with the baby. Pump enough milk for bottles and get the heck out of there. That’s the only way he is going to learn that it’s hard taking care of a baby.

  • Yo
    Sep 04, 2018

    Even if he works outside to support you guys don't feel like you are asking for too much if you ask for help. He has a set schedule. You don't! You work around the clock with the baby and the housekeeping. At the end of the day you do more work. Tell him straight up to get up his butt off the chair and give you a hand. I did the same thing you are doing and it costed me 3 hernias in my back and constant back pain because I pretended to be Wonder woman while he was sitting and smiling at the tv. I had to do ALL the work at home ALL by myself. Ask for help!

  • Anonymous
    Sep 04, 2018

    Thank you all for the overwhelming support, I really needed your words. I spoke with him and really opened up about what's been going on and I think he really heard me.

  • Sara
    Sep 05, 2018

    Let him take over with the baby for the whole day by himself. Give him an appreciation for how hard it is!

  • Gina Hughes
    Sep 06, 2018

    I agree with everyone's comments. The important thing is that you are BOTH parents, and it's important for your child to bond with both of you. With your husband's attitude, he might as well live alone and have a maid! Remind him that he wanted to be a parent, and it takes work. Maybe spending part or all of a day taking care of HIS child will remind him.

  • M
    Sep 13, 2018

    How about when you finally ask for help but get an eye roll and told you “sit at home all day” or that “this is what stay at home moms do”...

  • Jessica Erwin
    Mar 20

    How about when you get the "I would trade places in a heartbeat." That's infuriating. Or u get the "I help!" Cuz he watched the baby for 2 hrs a week while you go to your scheduled weekly dr appointment.ugh

  • C
    May 14

    Reading everybody say to “just communicate this with him” but in my case so far every time I’ve tried to communicate with him no matter what I say he just thinks I’m telling him he doesn’t do anything at all. At a complete loss and I resent being home.