Posted in Child & Pregnancy Loss, Infertility, Tough Topics

I need perspective dealing with infertile friend.

Anonymous

*touchy subject* *edited to shorten* Advice needed. Biblical perspective would help the best, but I’m open to whatever you’ve got. :) I have a friend that I’ve been friends with for about 8 years. We were roommates and best friends when we we were both single, and both started dating around the same time, got engaged around the same time, and married around the same time. My husband and her’s were best friends too. But when I got pregnant on the first try, she revealed that they had been trying for a while, and they instantly pulled back and created distance in our relationship because babies were too painful a topic. We were understanding and felt sad with them. Sadly she missed my baby shower and the birth of my son. But again, we understood. Each time she sent me a heartfelt text that she was sorry to miss them, but it was too painful to be around babies. Since then, we occasionally plan double dates (we even went on a weekend vacation with them) but we always find childcare and make a point not to mention the baby as much as possible. Then she had a miscarriage at Christmastime, which sort of started the process over again. The day they had a positive test they told us, and we instantly went back to our old friendship. We spend multiple days together. We celebrated with them. We gave them baby stuff I had been saving for them. And the day she lost her baby, she withdrew again. Each time that I think that we basically don’t have a friendship anymore, and that I should just let it go, they’ll ask to babysit (and not follow through) or text me saying she values our friendship and wishes we were closer. My struggle is this: I understood when the pain was fresh and I had a newborn and everything. But my son’s almost 2 and they still avoid us and we still avoid talking about our son in front of them. This feels like an unhealthy friendship to me, and like they’re sort of letting their pain rule them. Am I being too understanding? Should I confront the situation? (Gently of course) Or am I being not understanding enough? I’m not trying to be selfish. If I’m just not understanding that this is the way people cope, or something I want to know. But if letting things change the way they have is as unhealthy of a friendship (and coping mechanism) that I think it is, I want to have the guts to say something without being the jerk who just doesn’t understand.

  • Alexis
    Jul 03, 2018

    Your are right about your feelings from my point of view it doesn’t seem like you are on the same path. Your friend may be distancing herself because she thinks you won’t understand or couldn’t because you haven’t been through it. My sister is in the same boat of infertility I reach out but she doesn’t tell me things until it has already passed. I think she thinks it’s just about her and her experience and pain. But I feel like I can help her but if she doesn’t let me then I can’t my hands are tied. ☘️ friends sometimes turn into just pass memories. That’s just a shame friendship usually help each other through the tough times. Best of luck

  • Anonymous
    Jul 04, 2018

    Alexis, thank you. So far I’ve been allowing the distance because I thought it may be best, but she says she wants to still be close friends but her actions just don’t match up. Around the time we each got married, we became distant also, and I allowed it to happen thinking that time in our life was just over and she came to talk to me and told me she was upset that I allowed the distance and wished that I had talked to her about it. We became close again after that. I’m getting mixed messages (words versus actions) and don’t want to make the same mistake again. Friendships in adulthood are tough. 🤦🏽‍♀️

  • Karen
    Nov 06, 2018

    I can talk about it from your friend’s perspective since I was not able to have children of my own (I’m raising my 4 year old niece who we hope to adopt soon). When my friends started having babies I tried so hard to be happy for them and attend all baby related activities. But the pain just got worse and worse through every failed attempt. I was so, so jealous I just couldn’t stand it. I was consumed with anger and jealousy that i couldn’t stand to see pregnant strangers let alone my friends. Also my husband and I lost all our friends because their lives revolved around their children and we just couldn’t relate. I believe your friend truly wants to continue with the friendship but her pain is just so great right now she can’t see beyond it. Talk to her and ask her what you can do to help. Don’t tell her to look past her pain because just as your child takes your full attention our lack of children fills our lives. I know I would think I was okay being without children but then something would trigger my loss and I’d again retreat away from children. Be gentle with her. Don’t stop being a friend. I know the door gets slammed in your face so to speak but just imagine your life with no children when that’s all you’ve ever wanted. Send her a card in the mail telling her you want to be there for her. Listen to her and her pain. Maybe if she knows you truly want to be involved in her life she will open up and as time goes on she will love to see and hear all about your child.