Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Relationships, Stay-at-Home Parents

I’m at SAHM and i’m scared I’m starting to resent my husband

Anonymous

He always talks about how he wants more kids but hardly helps out with the one we have. I’m not sure if it’s because we’re both new parents and he’s nervous but he hardly spends any time with her. He’s also super messy so i’m always cleaning and trying to get him to pick up after himself. And at the same time he complains that the house is too clean!!! We have a 7.5 month old so she’s always putting anything and everything in her mouth, I feel like i have to keep the house super clean or else she will choke on something. He refuses to help me clean the house/care for our daughter and I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  • Anonymous
    Apr 15

    Same, mine does help with the kids a little but he’s like a kid himself. I get I stay at home and don’t bring in money so the housework is my job, but we’re practically maids/nanny’s and don’t get paid in money. It’s hard work, the best you can do is talk to him and explain.. but then again mine listens and still does it so it’s starting to make me sound like I nag

  • Anonymous
    Apr 15

    @Anonymous agreed. I’m just not sure how to handle it, I’ve talked to him numerous times but all he sees it as is just me being lazy not wanting a job and hanging out with our daughter all day. He doesn’t understand how stressful/time consuming it actually is. I love that i get to hang out with my daughter all day, but at the same time it would be nice to have a break every once in a while.

  • Anonymous
    Apr 15

    My husband was not comfortable with babies, and was nervous to do anything, but I had zero experience too, so I kind of just made it up as went along and gave him things to be responsible for. We switched who got up and fed him, who bathed him, who changed his diapers. I cooked meals so he played with him, them he did the dishes if I was doing bath. My friend had her husband be in charge of the bedtime routine- which could be important if he's gone all day. And if none of that works, I would find a Saturday morning hobby, which requires him to spend time with her while you go away. The older she gets the more attached she will be to you if she isn't comfortable with her father. Then he will start arguing she doesn't like him so why try.

  • Amanda
    Apr 15

    Not judging. Did you guys talk about expectations of involvement before you had the kiddo? Hubby and I had several talks before I got pregnant with my first about what we expected of each other and how that would change with number of kids. We had those talks again before trying for our second. I told my hubby before I got pregnant that I wasn't comfortable having kids unless he was willing to commit to certain things. Such as I go to the gym 3 nights a week and I have a weekend class on Sat morning. He puts the kids to bed after work. He helps with diapers and feeding on weekends. We listed out everything and he had requests too. Like he has guys night and goes to concerts with friends. Sitting down and spelling out what you expect and why you want it could help a lot. Also explain to him how you feel and what you are afraid of.

  • Aye
    Apr 15

    It’s also really isolating as well, it’s like being with people and being lonely at the same time since babies don’t really talk. And the work is non stop. Even when they take naps it’s time to catch up on chores. Even when you do talk to them before hand things don’t go as planned. My husband can’t handle it when the babies cry and they cling to me more. Best thing you can do is every now and then if you have someone you trust to watch the kids and have a little breather (might sound mean to some people, but our minds and bodies need a break every now and then, raising kids is a full time job, if you don’t then you’ll get sick etc)

  • Anonymous
    Apr 16

    @Amanda we talked about it beforehand and he was super excited about having a baby. Kept talking about how he would never put her down after work because he would miss her so much while he was gone. And we had agreements and we stuck to them the first few weeks. But then it’s like a switch flipped after his paternity leave and he acts like he wants nothing to do with us half of the time.

  • Anonymous
    Apr 16

    @Aye I feel the same way. I’m so lonely during the day and when my husband gets home he doesn’t want to talk since he’s been dealing with people all day and he’s just burnt out. He hates it when our daughter cries yet always makes me feed, change and care for her. I’ve tried dropping my daughter off at my moms but i get such bad separation anxiety that i don’t want to leave her side. It sucks

  • Anonymous
    Apr 16

    I recently had an argument with my fiancé this weekend for being so messy. I’m a STAHM so I feel like I shouldn’t say anything & when I do he gets mad & reminds me that I get to stay home with the baby while he works. He just leaves his shoes all over the floor, he likes to eat in the room so there’s cups, plates, empty pizza boxes that he just leaves there. Jeans, shirts, on the floor, on the chairs, it pisses me off. I feel like it’s tough because I don’t work, he pays for everything, I have two brand new cars that are mine etc.

  • Amanda
    Apr 16

    @anon I'd remind him you guys made agreements before the baby wad born and if he doesn't want to honor them you're not sure if you want more kids. You can always rediscuss since the baby is here and you know what you're dealing with. Managing a house and raising kids is a full time job plus some. You don't get days off and alone time is virtual non existent without him contributing. Yes working full time is exhausting but if he can't handle work and one child he probably can't handle more. If the separation anxiety is that bad I'd call your doc. If you don't want to do that start small. Drop her off and get a coffee. Be gone for 30 min come back and see she is fine. It gets easier with time.

  • Anonymous
    Apr 16

    @Anonymous mines the same way! Never cleans up after himself and expects me to do it because ‘it’s the only thing i do all day’. Just because i do doesn’t mean i enjoy it!

  • Anonymous
    Apr 16

    @Amanda I’ll talk to him about it, it’s worth a shot. And the separation anxiety isn’t extremely bad I just worry about my daughter a lot. I trust my mom with her I just have a certain way of doing things to keep my daughter happy and i worry other people don’t listen to me when they babysit her

  • Anonymous
    Apr 18

    Hi - I can really relate to this as my husband is really messy too! I’ve realized that often it’s a communication issue as well as different expectations. My partner and I have decided to communicate better and we found this app called Relish which has really helped and it’s fun too.