Anonymous

Lack of ambition

I’m trying hard not to compare myself to other mothers but man, is it hard not to. I’m a SAHM with one child. I see all of these Moms with multiple children, who work full-time, do volunteer or extra-curricular activities, be a good friend and wife. They cook whole food meals and manage to just have perfect balance while managing everything and more. They work out, go on date nights, and have such drive to do it all. If they’re up all night they manage to power through and still do it all. How and where do you get this drive from? I want to have it but I just don’t feel it.

  • Erin
    Sep 28

    As so many other moms have said, it’s all about what feels good and right for YOU! That being said, it is alllll about perspective. Remember, you don’t know what you don’t know... Someone else said exactly how I feel— You’re only seeing what they’re projecting. I think social media can become such a bummer, IF we buy into the fantasy. People only post their “plays of the day,” so to speak. Mediocre albums with a hit or two aren’t great, but then that artist can put out their greatest hits album. All of the sudden, that person’s whole body of work seems to be incredible! You just do you! As long as your family is taken care of and you’re fulfilled, roll with it! 👍🏻

  • Gina
    Sep 28

    I work full-time and I always wonder! I have one friend she's a really close friend of mine and we barely see each other but on social media she posts all these pics of her family doing stuff together, food that she has cooked from scratch, to-do lists, says she keeps the house cleaned, etc. and I'm always like wow!! how does she do it all?? and she's 7 months pregnant right now doing all of this but last weekend she had her shower at her house and then I realized she really isn't all put together as she says she is so yes it's all a projection. As long as you are happy and everyone is happy then you're good!

  • Maria
    Sep 28

    I'm a SAHM of one 15 month old and barely get food on the table (usually pasta or something cuz Lord knows I'm not able to cook things for real) and I'm wondering the same thing. Even my friends who say that they're struggling are struggling while juggling at least three or four more things than I am, so how in the world would I be able to take on any more if I'm struggling with just this bare bones stuff? I want to have a second child, but not if I'm already barely trading water....

  • Carrie
    Sep 28

    Yeah, the "have it together" is totally an illusion. EVERYONE has something (or a list of somethings) they aren't doing. I do find that I seem to have it more together now with 2 babies than I did with one, but part of that is we have a routine, and I stick to the routine.. it's a simple routine, but it keeps everyone happy, sane, fed, and rested. Don't worry about what you could be doing. Just do what you can do, and give yourself lots of grace, and love that baby! As they get older, the time flies quicker. Soak it in, Mama, soak it in.

  • Tina
    Sep 28

    I work full time, in a demanding sales job requiring travel, and still my office job feels easy to me in comparison to the dedication, patience and time management skills it takes to be a SAHM. SAHMs are my heroes! It is REALLY difficult to do basic things like get places on time, feed yourself in addition to them, make time to work out, etc when you have the ever-changing and always-present needs and unpredictability of small kids factored in. I use my time at the office to get my head straight, plan things like date nights, leave in the middle of the day to work out, etc - none of which would be possible if I was staying home with my tiny bosses and not my adult ones :) What I think you have which is so beautiful is the ability to be fully present in the every day magic of raising your kids, of matching their rhythms, not being hurried and having places to go and things to do and just BEING. I mourn that during the week when I don't see my kids nearly as much as I would like!

  • Jennifer
    Sep 28

    The social media pics are just projected image, we don't know what happens behind close doors. Both my husband and I work full time and we have no help from either of our parents. So it's all me. I send my 4yr old daughter to home day care/preschool full time from 7:30am-6:30ampm, and my 7yr old son attends free after school program until 6pm. I get off work at 5:30pm and pick up kids, go home cook meal, wash dishes, shower kids, help with son's homework. So I sleep at 12 midnight everyday and wake up 6:30am. Cleaning house is more like every 2 weeks small cleaning. Big cleaning like mopping floors, clean bathroom are done monthly. So both my husband and I have pretty chill jobs. I purposely picked my job as a Administrative Assistant, which 70% off the time all sit there all day with nothing to do. That way I get to relax during my job and have energy to go home and be a full time mom. Then weekends we take kids out to do activities. So everyone is different but for me how I get it all together is planning. While I work I plan what I'm going to cook for dinner, so as soon as I get home I start right away. I cook easy 30min meals so I don't get so stress. Or cook meals in instant pot so while I'm waiting for meal to cook, I help my son with his homework. My husband is more the lazy guy who comes home and do nothing. Once in awhile he'll help shower my daughter. But that's about all the help I get from him. I got fed up complaining to him and getting angry. I realize he's never gonna help as much and change so why bother and stress myself out in getting angry. I just figure out my way of not going insane and plan/balance everything.

  • Becca
    Sep 28

    Girl, I wonder the same thing! I’m a SAHM with an almost 3 year old, and our second baby is due in a few weeks. I JUST started feeling like I’m getting the hang of being a full time mom lol and I still don’t feel like I’m doing enough when I look at other people (especially social media 😑). For me, I have found some sort of peace by figuring out which things matter to ME. So, for me, priorities are eating at home, rather than eating out, and doing constructive activities with my daughter at least a few times a week. Then comes household chores, because i realized it stresses me out when there’s mess everywhere. So to combat that, I try to clean as I go throughout the day, so there’s smaller frequent messes instead of giant overwhelming ones hah....then for the bigger chores like bathroom cleaning, mopping or whatever, I only do one per day (or every few days if I’m honest....or sometimes every other week 😂) . I guess in short....figure out what’s important to you, and set YOUR priorities. It doesn’t have to be the same as your neighbor (cyber or real life lol) and it doesn’t have to be perfect. Let’s all remember the main goal is to HELP THE KIDS SURVIVE! Food and love is honestly the most basic things that they need, and throwing in some books doesn’t hurt either 😉

  • Allison
    Sep 28

    I work full time as does my husband. I also workout (stroller class, run, lunch workouts at work) because it gives me energy to get me through the day. If I stop moving and getting things done like you have spoken about, then I feel like I would never get started again. Working full time and having a toddler makes life crazy busy so it might seem like these moms have it all together but they might just be going and going because they have to!

  • T
    Sep 28

    I think having a variety of tasks and 8 hours away from kids while talking to adults and having quiet commutes really helps with balance. Also, I’ve noticed that some, not all, SAHM‘s who “have it all together” and show it off have a lot of help and time off from kids. All kids in preschool at least part-time, outsourcing domestic tasks, having involved family, and part-time nannies. Mothers helpers to entertain the kids while they cook dinner or food prep. Another observation I’ve had is SAHM who are doing it all themselves or with only preschool and don’t talk about it do “have it all together”. Also, as a SAHM I stress about having my own time and if I was working outside the home, I’d stress about being able to spend enough time with my kids. There’s pros and cons to both.

  • Crystal
    Sep 28

    I am a SAHM and enjoys working . I have 3 teenage girls now but when they are toddlers we hired a nanny for 3 yrs. later she had a long vacation and didn’t come back so I am lucky to have my audited to assist me . At the same time , My 3 girls : one yr apart and her daughter are her first customers . It is great that we planned to have family and bought homes close to each other so we can help out each other . My husband helps out w bathing and laundry and I do cooking and do enjoy these tasks .we need a lot of support from family and friends to raise a family . At a very young age I taught them how to shower so that will leave you time for yourself to do other things . Now they are 13,14 and 16 ; they cook for themselves; they prepare their own lunches and breakfast. my 16 yo just started her part time job . Sometimes they wash their dishes without any reminders . They get up daily and go to sleep at the same time . They do their homework . They are pretty discipline. It was hard work in the beginning and the whole family had to help out . I do miss them when they were toddlers . I believe too much activities will ruin their childhood and parents get tired and frustrated. It is not easy to be a full time mom, wife and expectations to be a house mate . Keep up your great work and you got to set some boundaries. They grow up so fast. Enjoy time you spend with them.

  • Karyn
    Sep 28

    We do the park one day, playground one day, music class one day and storytime at the library one day during the week. Saturday is soccer. Sunday is family day so we stay home. That's as far as my scheduling goes. I have an 11 month old and a 3.5 year old. Toddler goes to preschool 3 half days a week so that helps get me out of the house with just one kid. I do as much as I think is needed. Too many activities isnt good for kids or adults. We all need down time.

  • Jenna
    Sep 28

    It's all fake. Let's be real. No one has their shit together. I have an 18 year old, a 2 year and 3 day old and a 5 month old. I run a business with my husband. Like a real business with employees that I have to care for like children. Then work at the kids daycare in the late afternoon/evenings. We leave the house around 830. Come home at 7. The middle one lives off of chef boy r Dee. Not that he would have it any other way. Home cooked meals are maybe twice a week, not that he would eat them. We go to the store every 2 weeks because we don't have time otherwise. We do the dishes, laundry, and clean on Saturday morning. I have a shit ton of bottles, dishes and receiving blankets to get me through the week. I do decorations for every holiday. I just put up halloween tonight. I try to party plan like no other. But, I start planning months in advance. So I can work it out. My house is a mess. Laundry (clean) is piled up everywhere. It is what it is. Those moms who have everything together are full of shit. No one has anything together and we are all living off of coffee, energy drinks and 5 hour energy shots. True story.

  • Mel
    Oct 02

    I’ hope this makes u feel a bit better... I’m a hybrid SAHM who also works from home and Bring in about 50% of our income. I do my hair and put on make up most days. I cook 75% of the time and plan activities with my toddler (my husband will cook as well some nights). My husband an I have a healthy sex life (3x a week average) and we go out once a week on a date by ourselves plus we do family things one day of the weekend. He gets some time off for himself to golfing and he gives me some time to myself to go shopping or whatever I want to do. We spend time together as a family on lazy Weekend mornings. We go to the farmers Market together. Our house Is always relatively clean (not perfect but close enough). It seems like we have it all put together. Well appearances are deceiving mama! I have a part time nanny that cleans while the baby naps, plus a cleaning lady that deep cleans once a week. She also does and folds the laundry. Without someone to help me my life Would be a mess... so when u see someone who is put together know that someone is helping them... whether it’s paid help or a family member.... there is no way I could do everything without help. No way. Plus if u look in our bedrooms I have baskets of folded laundry everywhere that rarely get put away.... but no one sees that mess of course Except us 😂

  • Jazzmen
    Oct 02

    Totally

  • Alisha
    Oct 03

    I agree with every one who is saying not to compare ourselves- different choices and styles will work for different people. However, toward answering the question of how do those mothers do it all, I think it’s important to consider the support structure in place. I.e. do they have a stable supportive partner, do they have parent$ (meaning family money), are their children free of developmental, emotional or health disabilities, are they healthy themselves? I’m a mom of 4 who works and on the outside may seem to have it all together, but I am aware of how easily it can all fall apart. Running a family successfully is like building, operating and maintaining a machine built of soft, fallible, ever-changing human hearts. Any one of those long-term challenges is enough to eat up your time and energy and throw a wrench in the machine. So, I say this to again support the idea of giving yourself grace and knowing that if you’re doing the best you can and it doesn’t seem to be working, there are probably other factors at play that are out of your control.

  • Rebecca
    Oct 04

    Imo I feel like it’s part of Newton’s law. An object in motion stays in motion. The more you do the more you want to do. I have three kids. 4, 2, and 6 months. Yesterday I was up at 6:30 got everyone ready to take my 4yo to school, came back and cleaned the entire house. I only allowed myself breaks for eating, drinking, and nursing my baby. I have my 2yo help with some of the cleaning. She doesn’t necessarily do it correctly, but it keeps her distracted and helps with her development at the same time while also allowing me to spend time with her. Keep moving. That’s how I do it. 🤷‍♀️

  • Jennifer
    Oct 09

    Don’t compare yourself to others it will drive you insane! You don’t have to be the mom that volunteers at every classroom function, or the one with the perfect house that looks like you have no kids. Sure some do it all moms love it but you’d be surprised how much would love to do less! Do what works for you!! Don’t let social media fool you either! People only post the good. I had a friend her family on social media looked perfect both parents involved with kids and all their activities, date nights weekly, kids always cute. She told me last week they’re getting divorced. People don’t show the bad

  • Lindsey
    Oct 10

    I work full time and have a toddler son with my husband that work 2 jobs. And We compare ourselves to others as well but it’s more financial wise. We live in a 2bd old house, that always needs repairs...seriously my fridge broke just last week and leaked so much our poorly tiled floor rotted and has to be refilled. We have so much bad luck with things breaking and we feel terrible struggling with groceries/credit cards/car repairs. My husband always says why does it look so easy for everyone else? But we also forget that we live in nice area of Connecticut. We live near all the families that have large homes and nice cars. But we do remind ourselves that we aren’t the only people here struggling, I’m sure those families could be going into debt with those huge mortgages or nice cars. We don’t see what happens in everyone’s lives. We start trying to be thankful for that we have a home to go to and that it’s in a safe neighborhood. As much as I want to move somewhere just to have nice things it won’t make me feel better. I don’t have it together but I try to and I talk with my closest friend who I thought had it all together but came to me stressed and sad. We felt the same and now we help each other out and talk about our struggles. Find your friend, don’t take those Pinterest/Instagram pictures seriously

  • Abigail
    Oct 16

    I was the same. Usually when more kids are added you push yourself then you find all this energy and different mindset because it more like "if i don't do this my kids will not behave or i won't have the chance to" it will get better & you will find your mojo or push. You're not alone! Most moms start out this way too!