Anonymous

My mom criticizes me as a SAHM

It breaks my heart to admit & share that my mom does not make me feel proud of my current situation as a full time SAHM. Back story, she had me (unplanned & not yet married) at 19, then I think somewhere in between that, my parents decided to get married before I was born. But I know the full story because it’s like a bedtime story to me. At a young age, she kept reminding me of what they went through & they hope I won’t do the same. I’m sure it was hard. Fast forward, yes I end up getting married & having a child in my 30s. At some point I wish I could have married earlier/younger but I’m happy with my husband & our toddler. My mom keeps mentioning how she would like to help & look after our toddler but she lives in another country & is still working full time, so at most, she can visit once a month. She keeps emphasizing that I should not lose sight of my career, etc. I told her that it’s mine and my husband’s choice on how we want to raise our toddler & all of our future kids. She keeps suggesting I should work part time, put my toddler in a daycare or hire a part time babysitter, etc. I just can’t understand why would she wants her grandchild to be looked after by someone other than me. She doesn’t sound sweet in any way, it’s much more critical. She makes me feel like I have zero worth because I became a SAHM regardless of my bachelors degree & work experience. I know we parents mean well for our children but I hope that someday, when they became adults & have lives of their own, we respect them & just “cheer” on the sidelines for them instead of being another critic in their life. This whole thing just breaks my heart in many ways. Thank you for reading, I just need to let it out & let it go & try to believe my mom does care for me & isn’t just being a critic.

  • Anonymous
    Nov 14

    I wonder if she feels jealous in some way? She must have some bitterness to how her life was when she was young and the struggles she went through, and she is projecting them onto you unfortunately. My mom has always done the same thing. She decided to get married young instead of going to college and my parents didn’t want help from anyone and struggled their whole lives. I was the first person in my family to get a bachelors degree and instead of anyone congratulating me for it they made me feel like I wasted my money (student loan debt) and should have chosen a vocation instead. Fast forward to now, I moved to a different state but only an hour away, and I’m able to work very part time from home and be a sahm, my mom always makes me feel guilty that she can’t watch the kids more bc I live too far, even though this actually works out well for me and my family. What I’ve taken from it is that they need to make it about themselves somehow which is unfortunate. Hang in there and try to somehow not hold a grudge, it’s so hard.

  • Beth
    Nov 14

    ^^^ I agree, it looks a lot like projection and more her issue with herself instead of you. I have a very similar story around my family with conception and shame around having kids too early/out of wedlock to the point it became part of my identity to break the pattern. And then the parental push to have a degree and now I'm a sahm just like you! My story differs in that I've done a lot of self work because an abusive dynamic with my family made me need to push them away for my own sanity and safety. I struggled for years on my self worth. So believe me when I say I know how it feels to struggle with that. Your worth is far beyond what you can do, especially beyond what you can do for others. Your worth is not based on your looks or your abilities. Your worth breathing, your worth living, your worth respect and your worth unconditional love and your worth having your boundaries respected. Find a way to put a boundary on how she talks to you, tell her how it makes you feel when she says things like that. Read a book on boundaries, I highly recommend Brene Brown and her book Into The Wilderness, it's all about boundaries. ❤️

  • Anonymous
    Nov 15

    Moms can be so critical. I don’t have advice, but I do feel ya. My mom constantly judges my choices as a parent. It’s so unbelievably frustrating because I was so close to her prior to having kids - but I just find it annoying now to talk to her a lot of the time. I just try to remind myself that it’s my life. She doesn’t have to live with the decisions I make, I do. So why am I so desperate for approval. Lol

  • MamaNukesYopolo
    Nov 16

    I am sorry you are going through this. It is not true though. You have lots of worth as a stay at home mother, and the skills we learn as parents translate into the workforce when we return. I’ve seen it first hand. It is a personal choice (if finances allow it to) and some parents are better at being parents because they work and others because they stay at home. Our children are the future. They are the best thing to be putting our time into. Please keep your head high.

  • Pad
    Nov 16

    “It’s mine and my husbands choice” put a period at the end of that comment. And take full ownership for your truth. After the (.) there’s no need to say anything else. Peace and blessing to you .

  • Anonymous
    Nov 21

    Perhaps your mom wants you to still have some independence from your husband? I am also a SAHM and I’ve felt judgement from my in laws, it must be so difficult to get that from your mom, but it’s probably coming from a place of love.