Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Preschoolers, Special Needs Children

My son needs a male figure—- his dad sucks!!!

Anonymous

So my son is 3.5 and he has some disabilities causing him to be hyper, not listen, is aggressive at times, and has sensitivity issues too. Basically he’s not actually on the Autistic spectrum but he’s right there. So his dad is away at work M-F and when he is here on weekends he also works most of the day (mostly so he doesn’t have to DEAL). We have a 1 year old daughter too and we haven’t been “together as a couple” since her birth for the most part. I have tried to tell him to move out and we can just move on with our lives but he refuses to be gone. I’m not going to be in any court systems so I can’t have him removed that’s not an option. So basically I am trying to be civil and live together when he’s here best of my abilities. It’s very difficult bc he’s super nice to our daughter but ALWAYS tearing into our son for everything he does and he does A LOT but he can’t help him impulsive behavior bc he’s disabled. I have told him thousands of times that our son is angry with him mostly bc he wants him to be nice and understanding to him like he is his baby sister. Even tho he’s bold. Yes. He begs for attention and when he doesn’t get what he so desperately wants he acts out. As any kid does. He thinks at 3.5 he should sit and play quietly or play NICE with his things instead of smash toys into other toys like cars etc. I have told him THATS WHAT BOYS DO!!! He doesn’t get it. Bc he was in foster care his whole life he played nice and calm and quiet as not to be in trouble. It’s just so bad I need my son to have a MAN in his life to look up to. I been thinking of that program for siblings like big brother kinda thing but I have serious trust issues with other ppl around my kids. (There was an incident with my oldest) previous marriage. I’m just at a loss. My son needs an understanding and accepting MAN in his life and idk where to turn for one. God knows it will eat him alive if I had someone and that’s ALL his son would talk about but at this point too BAD! He doesn’t make time to be positive and patient with his son and if someone else can then too BAD IDC! I need advice on how or what I can do to provide my boy with a positive manly influence in his life. Thanks in advance.

  • Becca
    Dec 23, 2018

    Uncles? Grandpa? Have you thought about martial arts....strong male role model maybe while letting him direct some of his energy in a positive, constructive way...

  • Lynn
    Dec 24, 2018

    Your son had been diagnosed by a specialist? I would have his doctor or specialist meet with the father to discuss the needs of your son and recommendations for behavior modification strategies. This might work a lot better than “that’s what boys do...”

  • Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2018

    Yes he has been diagnosed by a few specialists and I had done intense therapy with him for a year and when his dad had the chance to do the same therapy he went a few times then told the therapist he LOATHES going there. He also would follow her direction of HOW TO handle and play etc but he would leave and be straight back to same person. When there he would engage and talk and play great with him and when home he would go in play room lay on floor and build blocks not engaging with him at all until our son became bored with him and moved on to other toys and thats when he would tell him you don’t want to play I’m done and go sit down. Both our parents (dads) are passed away. His family lives in another state and the only family I have here is my mom. Yes I have been thinking about trying him in something like martial arts or gymnastics and I just have to hope he can focus and listen long enough not to give the instructor a hard time. He will start that in January when all the holidays are over. Other than that he does have a BSA and a TSS but that’s not what I mean I would like someone who has a BIT more time for my son. His TSS spends the hours at school with him bc he has to have that there for the teacher to do her job and tend to all the kids not just him which I get. His BSA has a lot of kids he sees so my son may see him 1-2 X a month.

  • Anonymous
    Dec 24, 2018

    Have you thought about a martial arts class? Could be helpful on multiple levels

  • Lynn
    Dec 24, 2018

    A physically challenging class sounds awesome and I wouldn’t worry about the teachers. They have lots of different kinds of kids. I’m assuming you will do a parent/caregiver participation class and it’s completely normal if you have to hold him, bring him back to the group, or sit down and watch. Especially at this age. My nearly 4 year old is neurotypical, so I can not compare. Only share my experience. She is very intense including her emotions. These are things I have to do with her and the teachers are always supportive and say not to push. Just enjoy. I’m sorry about the father. It sounds very challenging. Also I wouldn’t worry about a male figure atm. Love and patience from you and your mom is enough. You are enough.

  • Anonymous
    Dec 26, 2018

    I can relate my two oldest both have special needs but have never been diagnosed on the spectrum. My 10 year old frustrates my husband he can’t handle him. He’s non verbal, behavior problems and other things. We had a third kid who is more on the right schedule with everything. My husband always talks about how he’s going to be when she’s older. When I ask why he’s not that way with the boys his only answer is they have special needs. My oldest wanted to play basketball and he said he wouldn’t go to the games because they’re not going to let the special needs kids play. Say when they turn 18 that he’s no longer caring for them they can go live in an assisted living home. Yes this causes many fights. I’ve told him to leave but he won’t. I’ve been try to live civil and trust me you can only do it for so long before you just feel trapped and miserable. With my husband on paper we are married but I don’t think we’ve been a couple for sometime now. Sure we laugh about stuff but our lives are literally not together.

  • Anonymous
    Dec 27, 2018

    OmG you just explained my LIFE to a tee! I kind of understand that it’s hard and maybe they are used to or were expecting something different with their kids but at the same time they are your f-ing kids. I get so mad bc our boy truly has trouble with control his behavior and it’s NOT HIS FAULT! Yes he can do it at times but that doesn’t mean he’s going to do it daily. Some days are way worse such as full moons and new moons. I have researched everything I could and found something called advanced TRS it’s a detox of heavy metals and also can heal the gut. Well I’m praying that come in one tax time I can get him a six month supply and help his behavior and get my boy back. He wasn’t as he is today as a baby. This didn’t start until 18 months or so and that’s when their relationship changed drastically. The lack of patience is outrageous. I get the frustration as I am at times too especially when I’m being hit and he’s having a tantrum and throwing stuff etc. but it too shall pass and I get his (hubby) saying he’s just going to get bigger and hit harder but what am I supposed to do? I have done everything I could thus far and the TRS is my last hope. I always thought that it was just my man who didn’t have the ability to handle this. I’m so sorry your going through this I know exactly how much you love your boys and want to see your boys have same relationship with their dad as your baby girl does. I hope that putting my son in classes such as gymnastics and karate will help him in every way that his own dad doesn’t. I hope things get better for you and your boys. I believe it’s harder for boys to have a struggling relationship with their dads bc they so desperately desire their attention. Best regards to you and your family. 🤗 (hugs)