My Step-daughter makes me anxious
I've been married to my husband for 9 years. He has had full and sole custody of his daughter since 2005 when she was about 2.5. Her mom lived 3 states away. I met him in 2007 and we were married in 2009. As loving as she could be, she was also very defiant and had a lot of problems with anger, lying, etc. Actually all this talk of family separation makes me wonder if this transition from only mom from birth to only dad caused a lot of harm. I was not the best stepmother especially since I had no clue what I was doing. Now this girl is 15. Her mom moved back to our state about 4 years ago and she still bbn barely sees her or her siblings. I try to connect with her, but at this point her distrust of me and her dad is so deep. Her dad is very authoritarian so I never really have a say with discipline or how we raise her. We have 2 other kids and I have taken the reigns with them and see how many mistakes we made with her. It's so tense in our home. On the few occasions she does go to her mom's it's this huge relief for me. I hate if my husband isn't home and she is. She has all this attitude and the contempt for us is palpable. Her quips get under my skin fast and I have often blown up on her, then I feel terrible. I try to talk to her but that attitude cuts me and I get hurt then I get defensive. I just want her out of my home. I relate a lot with the movie Frozen because I feel like I do so much damage to her. I just don't have the patience and my constant anxiety is just worn me out. I know we need to pull her closer and shower her with love, but she's so untrusting. Her dad blames her for her behaviour and won't take the first steps to help us all heal... he expects this wounded 15 year old to do it. I need help and I don't know what to do.