Posted in Family Life

Need some advice. MIL is getting crazy needy... needy to see my son her grandson. She invites herself up at least once a week, and last night tried to invite herself up to sleep over for some reason (still trying to figure out why). Any thoughts how to tell her, I’m an adult, bug off, without totally POing her?

  • Anne
    Feb 07, 2018

    Where's your husband in this? Has he talked to her at all? It might be helpful to remind him that you need some clearer boundaries about when she comes over (no "inviting herself", no sleepovers) and ask his help in communicating these gently to his mom.

  • Sarah
    Feb 07, 2018

    I agree with Anne. Definitely let your husband help diffuse the situation. Barring his help, I’d say take a very direct approach without being too confrontational- something like, I want you do be a very active part of our son’s life, but for planning purposes and to help maintain a consistent schedule for our son, I need you to plan your visits with us in advance. Good luck!

  • Lindsey
    Feb 07, 2018

    I agree with the other two previous posters. I placed boundaries with my mother in law recently and she attacked everything about me. I think it’s a lot easier for them to hear boundaries from their sons. Definitely have him set some boundaries though. If you feel like it’s too much, it’s too much!

  • Lisa
    Feb 07, 2018

    Thanks ladies... I will try to talk to my husband, but he tends to be the pushover... he lets his mom and others walk all over him... we specifically stayed in PA despite the tight job market here so we could be close to family, I was all gun hoe about moving to a more prosperous state

  • Caitlin
    Feb 07, 2018

    Bummer. Another perspective on the situation- it doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything malicious. Are there ways to direct her energy into means you find useful? We’ve had both grandmas sleep over on different occasions and it’s been totally sweet cuddling in bed with them and baby, singing together. I’m guessing she just wants to love on your kiddo- maybe she can give you free babysitting? Or help with household chores?

  • Chaya
    Feb 07, 2018

    I’m sorry.... but try to see it from her perspective... grandparents love their grand babies... and honestly, you never know when they will be taken from this earth. So maybe talk to her about how you can help her develop that relationship with your son while also not overstepping your privacy. But once a week is not bad... just saying.

  • Diana
    Feb 07, 2018

    "No, that won't work (do not give any reason), but we'd love to see you on specific day / event, if you're free then?" Always give an alternative (that's convenient for you) so she can't say you're keeping her from her grandkids, and never give a reason - she'll just argue. No is a complete sentence.

  • Jessica
    Feb 07, 2018

    I deal with the same thing. Say you're busy say you need alone time. You need to bond with your child, you need time to relax between all of the chores and errands and all you have to do. She's probably excited and happy but taking it too far. I tell my bfs mom that i would appreciate making plans in advance because I have a very busy schedule and I also try to have a peaceful day once a week.. Like that happens! Lol. The other day she was supposed to come at 2 never showed or texted me after i texted saying it was near babies nap time. She msgd at 4 asking to come I politely said no baby needs a nap. 20min later right as baby is going down she knocks and walks in my house. My bf reiterated that the baby was going down and she said I know I'm bad and laughed. We let it go but if it happens again heavy boundaries will be set and I will be beyond disrespected. Hoping he will talk to her about the incident and maybe you could ask your husband to do that as Well! Let her know it's disrespectful to you and your child Hope my advice helps you.

  • Lisa
    Feb 07, 2018

    Jessica it sounds like we have the exact same problem with our MIL types... I know she means well, but being 13 days or less from having a second child I’m more stressed out by her coming over as she will not stick to my son’s routine or respect that he is essentially potty trained and needs to be encouraged to continue to stay that way... when I first started potty training and she watched him she put him back in diapers and said he was too young... oi!! If I as the mom say we are doing something we are doing it, she doesn’t like it then don’t come over and don’t be mad when left out... I give more time to my mom because she is 100% behind my daily schedule and when I said we were potty training went out and got herself the same toddler potty I had so it would be familiar to him.

  • Jessica
    Feb 08, 2018

    Yeah if mine did that my bf would speak with her and then I would if it didn't work. I know soon in the future I'll probably have to nicely let her know I enjoy her stopping over but please respect our rules :) I hope it goes well for you!

  • Amanda
    Feb 08, 2018

    Lisa, I don’t even have children and that upsets me! I’ve always been fond of little ones from since I started babysitting. Routine & consistency is so important. I always try to model parental styles with my friends kids. I definitely agree with the “No, that doesn’t work, but this day does...” And since you’re expecting, maybe some promises of grandma time after the new one arrives (sleep-overs at grandmas) to get some big-brother alone time with grandma could be fun (once you reaffirm those potty training boundaries). I remember growing up, we had a set of triplets up the street from us (I would go up and play with the babies and act as a mom’s helper), and one month, we took each girl for a night for a sleep over to give them a night away from their sisters. They seemed to have fun. :)