Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Relationships

Not sure whether to stay or go

Anonymous

Background info: I have 2 kids with 2 different dads. Divorced when my 7 year old was 2 and now engaged with a 2 year old. My ex worked a lot but was suuuuper helpful with my son when we were together. We split bc of trust issues and some personal issues he had, but I really had a hard time bc we got along really well and I really loved him and our family. I met my fiancé a couple years later, and then we had my daughter. He is total opposite of my ex, he is not helpful at all with my daughter, but he does help around the house and bc of his job I am able to stay at home and work part time which I am thankful. I feel resentful a lot of times bc he comes home from work and relaxes, and on weekends he kind of does his own thing and sleeps in, goes to the gym, runs errands. I’ve mentioned needing a break and the response was that he never gets a break bc his job is super intense and long hours, so we all just have to deal. It’s so “my job” “your job” and I’m tired of it. I’ve talked so many times about it that we just barely talk anymore bc we are both feeling blah towards each other and kind of pick each other apart. He sleeps downstairs bc between his snoring and working late on his laptop I cant sleep. I’m definitely not going to marry him anytime soon, but I’m wondering how we can even fix this, I don’t want my kids growing up seeing us like this. I’m not sure if the stark contrast between the two relationships is making this so hard for me, or if this is really how most men are as dads and just stressed out? I’m so confused and not sure what to think anymore. I feel like everyone else I know has these normal happy marriages and I go home and me and my fiancé are just bickering and miserable. Also my fiance is an only child and the only long term relationship he’s had was long distance, so that definitely adds to it.

  • Anonymous
    Feb 25

    I’m not sure what to say.... other than to answer your question about if this is how most men are as dads. I can say; my husband is not like tat. My husband works, takes care of our daughter and works the house work and I’m a sahm for the time being. Having a baby did make the marriage hard; which we are working on. Mostly on my part as I am learning that I wasn’t mentally prepared for the kiddo. My husband picks up the extra slack whenever I’m down too. But, I’m learning that my husband is a lot different from many men. He wants to have that active role in being a dad with diaper changes, bathing, feeding, playing and being available emotionally and physically in kiddo’s life. Which in turn makes me want to give husband his “alone time”. Which is hard with a young baby. I also get time for myself to shower, use the bathroom without kiddo banging on door and to decompress whenever she is being too clingy. ..... that said I always knew I wanted to marry a man who wanted all this. I didn’t want to have a marriage or have a kid with a man who wasn’t on the same page as marriage is a lot of work without kids. And, kids deserve better than a father who is there but not there and it’s not the women’s job to remind men of this all the time. They are also grown men; who decided to have kids. Good luck in figuring out if you wanna stick through it as it is or make changes.

  • Elle
    Feb 25

    I'm not sure what to say other than to answer your question about what is common or normal in terms of a partner/husband's behavoir. What you described is not normal or common. Something else is going on. Maybe couples therapist where there are occassional one-on-one sessions throughout?

  • Suzanne
    Mar 26

    I can only share my relationship with my husband too. From the beginning we agreed we would be partners in life and have an open plain talk between us. It’s not perfect. We’re not always happy, but there always respect and an understanding that we will always support each other. I have no idea if we’re the standard. We have a 2 years old son. My husband and I both work full time. He’s back in school to get his bachelors. We are both tired...always tired. But we have a routine and know our roles in it. Short version. He gets the boy up and does breakfast. I’m not a morning person, so I sleep in and btw I’m an only child. Son goes to daycare. At night, I step up and get the boy to bed, etc While hubby is doing homework. Sometimes my mother will give us a break so we can have a date night. Once a month we each get a me day or more like a few hours. It keeps the resentment down. Hope this helps. Big hugs 💕