Posted in Marriage & Partnership, Relationships

Right way to communicate with hubby.

Anonymous

So I’ve always had the issue of going out with my partner to someone’s gathering or party and not knowing how to get him out the door after spending a considerably good time with his friends. I’m not an outgoing, adventurous nor social person but I try to be every now and then for him. Recently we’ve had kids and I’ve grown to be more strict with our outings due to the kids schedules, how long car rides are, locations where they can play, time and other things. A huge problem that continues coming up is the car rides to places! If they’re an hour or longer I prefer not to go because kids get fussy and cranky in the car which in consequence I get cranky because I’ve got to figure out how to entertain them or soothes them while getting motion sick myself from moving or looking back in the car. The second biggest problem of all time since we’ve been together is that he seems to have so much fun talking bull**** with his friends that he never wants to leave. When we didn’t have kids I would just separate myself from his group and wait in a corner with my phone or watch tv til he was ready. Now that we have two kids, I just hate going with him because our kids are still young and all they want to do is play, run around, make a mess and it frustrates me that he expects me to take care of them alone, have them in check! While he talks, laughs and drinks with his buddies. By the time I’m ready to get home because I’m tired of watching/making sure kids behave, I bring up to him hey is this time, getting late for the kids. His response which has never changed is “ yeah give me til whatever time or let me finish this beer and will go.” So I wait and then watch how he keeps having a good time laughing, trying not get up grabbing the kids and taking off by myself and letting figure out how to get home when he is ready. I’ve bottled up so many of this situations but I’m now asking myself is it that he just doesn’t care enough! Does he not care if I’m having a good time? Does he not care that the kids don’t stay still and can get hurt running around in this unknown home? Doesn’t care that there’s things I have to get done for the kids at home, like shower time and bed time? How to talk without arguing with a man that seems to only care about his time or his schedule?

  • Anonymous
    Mar 25

    How is he around just you and your friends? My husband is similar to yours however he is antisocial around my friends and is always nagging me to leave. Because of that, we sat down and talked to each other about how we were treating each other in these social situations and what was fair. This was before kids and marriage. I just asked him to put himself in my shoes. And I told him that I get that he’s having a good time with his friends and I’m happy for him however we had to leave by a certain time because I was still in school and had class early in the morning. He was working full time so I asked him to imagine if I dragged him out to a tea party (I don’t go to tea parties but something extreme that I know he doesn’t like) that lasted all night, and it was the night before he had to work. Just bring it up... like.. “I want to talk about what happened last night...” make sure you let him know that you’re happy for his social life and it makes you happy to see him happy. Then ask for him to put himself in your shoes.. ask for help. You’re outnumbered with 2 kids to 1 adult and it’s exhausting. Delegate one kid to him. Before my husband and I go anywhere, especially with a son now, we talk about what is a good time to leave. Some times I just don’t even go with him to these gatherings. But I do make him drive (I’m not worried about DUI because he’s a cop and he’s more worried about his job than anything). I hate it when he comes home drunk because he smells and the smell wakes me up, he’s loud and it wakes up our son, and the next day he’s useless in helping me out with our son and the house. So that’s why I do that. If he gets to go somewhere and leave me home alone to take care of our child and housework then at least he needs to come home and not be a disruption. Same rules for when I go out too. Also, it sounds like your husband doesn’t help out with the kids.. has he always been this way even when you just had one kid or do you have twins? He needs to help out more. These are your kids together. Doesn’t matter if you’re the SAHM and he’s the working dad. These kids belong to you both and both parties have equal responsibility. I would start with that conversation first before the social outing conversation. Give him jobs to do at night. My husband gets our son’s bath ready and does the clean up in the bathroom afterwards. While I’m giving our son a bath, he will pick up toys. Some times they just need to be told what to do in these situations as they might not know how to help. I hope this helps

  • Anonymous
    Mar 28

    Thanks for the post. Our relationship has always been difficult because how he was brought up. He’s the provider and the woman takes care of the kids and the home. Lately I’ve changed his views a little but it’s not something he feels, example I have to tell him to do things all the time like he’s another kid, he doesn’t take action on his own even if he sees dirty dishes or toys all over the house he waits for me to do them or ask him to do them. So frustrating. But I know more commutation is what I need.

  • Anonymous
    Mar 28

    I know this is not the most mature thing to say but tell him if he wants to have 1950 views then he needs to get rid of his social media accounts, get rid of his phone, trade in his car for an old beat up one, and live off the grid. In the meantime, you’ll be waiting in your modern home with the kids until he’s ready to join you guys back in present day where dad’s are more helpful and know that as part of the household that he needs to help. I have to tell my husband what to do too, especially in the beginning when our son was still just an infant. But with time, it’s just become part of his routine now to help me get his bath ready and to clean the bathroom afterwards. I still do most of the work each and every day.. because I’m a SAHM but we are working on it and it’s a work in progress. I also joke with his family and my friends that I feel like I have 3 kids (2 toddlers and a teenager). I just have an actual toddler, a naughty cat and my husband (teenager). I’m right there with you on the frustration that my husband has to be told what to do. I have to ask. We have had this conversation so many times and I told him that I’m his partner, not the maid. That if he wants a maid, then I expect a paycheck from him and we can arrange for him to be single since he doesn’t seem to care about having a wife/partner. Extreme and immature, I know. But it was a lot frustration building up. It has gotten better though and I feel like he does consider my feelings more than he did before.