Anonymous

SAHM/D’s what do your daily tasks consists of?

Other than watching/taking care of your child(ren) what else is part of the daily tasks? Also do you ask your S.O to watch the kids when they get back from work? How do you split the chores or do you do them all? I’m a new sahm, and sometimes I feel like crap, I stay at home watch the baby, cook, and clean whenever I can, laundry but the house is still a mess at times and cluttered) I feel useless, especially taking spending money from the hubs. And I do ask him to watch the baby when he gets home so I can make dinner without a hassle get a little breather but sometimes I get this vibe he gets upset with that, he works all day and comes home tired and has to watch the kid and do some stuff around the house. He doesn’t say anything but I just get a weird feeling.

  • PK
    Oct 20, 2018

    The first couple of months are hard - you’re a new mom and a SAHM so you’re trying to figure out how to get into the groove of things and on top of that you’re low energy because all your focus is on your baby. So it’s ok!! I felt the same way about my husband and to be honest he still kind of does the same thing.. The first year overall was rough for us adjusting to this new lifestyle. We had a lot of fights but we also figured a lot of things out. You shouldn’t feel guilty about asking him for help. He is also a parent and he also lives there. When you guys were both working did he at least do something to help around the house? Those are the things he should continue to do. My husband is in charge of bills, outdoor house maintenance, some times cooking dinner (I do the prep work), and of course being a dad while I take care of myself. Just talk to him and ask him what he’s feeling or how he’s bonding with the baby.. my husband had trouble bonding with our son until he started to crawl then he started to get into the parenting thing. He didn’t know what to do with the baby besides feeding and diapers. As for the cleaning... I downloaded this app called “spotless”. You set up cleaning tasks and how often it needs to be done. I try to tackle 1-2 tasks every other day.. but you get to it when you can. You will get used to the mess and clutter - didn’t someone once say messes and clutter are a sign of life? It gets easier when your child gets older.. you’ll get enough sleep at night to have some energy during the day to tackle 1-2 cleaning tasks and get some cooking done. And when your child gets older they start to show interest in helping out. As for the money thing... my husband and I talked about our budget before baby arrived so I really try to stay within that budget. Before I make any purchases that are outside of our typical monthly purchases I tell my husband so he has a chance to object or whatever (he never does). I know finances is a stressful topic and I know the guilt of using money that “isn’t yours.” But it technically is yours. You are in an equal partnership. Just communicate with each other what the budget is and what is reasonable to spend. https://www.mother.ly/work/sahms-would-earn-143k-survey-finds ^^ don’t feel guilty. You’re doing a great job. It will get better.i

  • Heather
    Oct 20, 2018

    Chores aside I think it’s important *at minimum* that your husband is coming home and spending time with the child you have together. It’s important for them to have 1:1 time too, this is not just about giving you a break or freeing you up to cook or clean. You shouldn’t feel weird about it and if you do I would bring it all out into the open so you don’t feel like that, because you shouldn’t feel like that.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 21, 2018

    The way I see it is we both have our day jobs, and he gets home we are a team. Further, I do not get a lunch break nor a commute during which to zone out, listen to the radio, etc. I get the kids and myself ready in the morning and usually manage to get some sort of dinner for everyone by the end. For us, it works well that he takes a few minutes to drop his bag and get changed then he takes one or both kids and I get dinner set up. He does dishes and trash, and we split bed/bath. I do end up doing most of the laundry and house cleaning because I can sneak it in during naps / independent play. But I try to focus on the kids as much as possible so if the dishes don’t get done we split them after bedtime. I teach one class online at a local college every other quarter and during those quarters I hire a babysitter a few days a week and/or work after bedtime. Even when not teaching we have used funds for a mother’s helper a few days a week when our second baby was really little because I had no breaks, no sleep, and needed support. Whatever works for your family, and the both of you feel good about, is likely a good plan!

  • Anonymous
    Oct 21, 2018

    I have a LO and pregnant atm. I don’t know if it’s the hormones but I feel worthless at times, and it quite frankly doesn’t help when I ask him to do something and he’s impatient or doesn’t hear (makes me feel like he’s ignoring). I cook, clean, once in awhile do the trash, run errands for my family and with being entering my last trimester it has been hell, there’s been days where I don’t do something and someone would say how I’m not being a proper housewife/woman. And I stay home all day and got nothing done. But sometimes people do help.

  • Abby
    Oct 22

    Girl I am dealing with the exact same thing. I feel guilty asking for help occasionally and there are sometimes I flat out don’t ask because my husband believes that since he works all day he shouldn’t have to help me that it is my job. I have come to find that most people think SAHM’s is at home all day and do nothing when we are actually on the clock 24/7

  • Anonymous
    Oct 22

    I am a working mom with a stay at home husband and let me tell you this: he does NOT do all the chores, not even close. And honestly, I'm okay with that. His primary job is caring for our children, handling all the errands and school trips and appointments... he does lots of driving every day taking them to activities and when they are off school he cares for them. As far as cooking and cleaning, we split that work about 50/50. I don't expect him to do it all and he doesn't consider it part of "his job". I know SAHMs in a similar situation who do all that AND kill themselves to clean and cook and do everything else... honestly, I think it's because women feel we are expected to do those things, and because men are happy to let us do them. I guess I'm just here to say that you don't HAVE to do all that housework if you're spending the day caring for your child. That is your job. I work full time outside the home in a demanding environment, but I still have two hands and I can pick up a vacuum on the weekend. If a man who works full time can't do that... honestly I would have to call bullshit!

  • Kylee
    Oct 23

    Hi! Sounds like this is all new to you. It’s been 4 years over here and when I first had my son, I felt the same way as you. You will find your groove. Both of you. He will be pissy at times but he will get over it. And you will get over not wanting to spend “his” money. Just remember that that is your money too. You work very hard for that money. You’ve given everything up to stay at home w your child. That alone is a hard thing for most of us. It’s a huge lifestyle change. My house is a mess. All the time. I do clean, but it just frustrates me Bc As soon as I clean a room, 10 mins later it’s just a mess again. I’m real good at the 15 min clean up before hubby gets home LOL I just run around right before he gets home and pick up everything. Works perfectly. I do cook but I often utilize my crockpot. You will get into your groove. It’s hard. But you will find what works for you. 💋

  • Kc
    Oct 23

    One thing that worked for me was when I approached what I like to call the “overlap” between 5-7 which is when we are both home after work, I said “I know you’re day ends at 5 and you would love to come home and relax. My day ends at 7 after the baby goes to bed and even later than that if I have extra chores to do. I would love it if taking getting baby to bed (dinner bath bed) and dinner chores were more collaborative I we could both be done at 7 and get some quality time together. “ using words like collaborative and emphasizing that it was about making time for us worked to not turn it into a “who works more” debate.

  • Patrick
    Oct 23

    I try to, at the very least, have the kitchen looking good everyday because that's the first thing my wife will see when she gets home. Generally, taking care of the kids, cooking dinner, doing dishes, lawncare and my occasional freelance design jobs are my typical duties so keeping the house clean isn't always a priority based off what else might need to be done. My wife gets that and chips in where it's needed when I'm falling behind. We are pretty good about communicating that stuff. She's got bathrooms and other more detailed cleaning. And she usually empties the dishwasher and folds the laundry because I'm not a big fan of either of those chores. She also keeps the house cozy with decorating type stuff. I'm in charge of installing, maintaining and troubleshooting any tech stuff.

  • Carrie
    Oct 23

    I’m a single mom, I work full time Monday through Friday. I pick up my daughter at 430 on weekdays. We get home about 530 I cook and while she’s eating I do dishes/clean up the kitchen and then I throw a load of laundry in. I have committed myself to 30 minutes of cleaning per day. So sometimes it’s dusting, or vacuuming, or bathrooms. But it’s the only way I can stay caught up. That way weekends are not all about cleaning.

  • Cristy
    Oct 23

    I have a 15 month old and am expecting. Between her, groceries, and other chores I was falling behind. I finally broke down and hired a little help with a deep clean for the house. I saved for a while but it was totally worth it. The deep clean has been easier to upkeep than me trying to make a dent on my own. Maybe a Xmas gift to you would be a deep clean??

  • Matt
    Oct 23

    In our house, work is work regardless of whether or not you get paid. And no work is more important or valuable than other work, which means that if I'm working 45 hours a week and kicking my feet up when I get home but my wife is putting in 10 hour days with the kids (7 days a week) then something's wrong. Yes, I may be the primary earner but that money is our money, not mine (or hers). And I firmly believe that earning capacity in no way reflects your value (although that's an easy thing to say when you have high earning capacity). I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries here, but in my opinion I think there's some inbuilt societal biases coming to the fore around equality and gender roles. I think we all need to ask ourselves "does my partner think I am their equal? Do I think they are my equal?". And if you suspect the answer is no, then get a good therapist to work it out :)

  • Christy
    Oct 23

    I'm the primary parent, work 2 part time jobs, do 99% of all school/class/kid related everything, and still have all the household duties. All cleaning, cooking, shopping, care of all 4 animals (we have a dog, cat, Chameleon and house bunny). I get extremely burnt out, frustrated, & feel under appreciated. The only rebuttals I've ever gotten when voicing all these, is that he pays the bills. It's partially my fault for excepting this, however, I think it's also a generational thing....these men watched their mothers do all 24/7, & the equality/work recognition just is non-existent. The # of hours I worked out I'm responsible/working a 61-76 hrs/week...I wish motherhood came with a monetary benefit pkage! 😊

  • Rachel
    Oct 23

    Being a sahm is working almost 24/7 you carry the mental load of household logistics always and are often doing more than one job at a time since you are always doing child care at the same time as any other task.....this kind of work ethic in any other field would garner you raises and a 6 figure salary. Not to mention its tedious as hell and becomes mentally exhausting....theres no drive into work with your favorite music, theres no scheduled breaks so you can have a moment...you are woken up by the demands of another human being and go through your day meeting them.....suffice to say....I have no problem telling my husband who gets to go to the bathroom in peace while at his work, to watch the toddler so I can get my nails done. Dont confuse the earning of money with being the only metric for work....you're an on call nanny, cook, maid and personal assistant and hubs probably doesnt make enough to afford all of those (who of us does) so he is getting those things for an absolute steal

  • Mel
    Oct 23

    I’m not a full SAHM... meaning I work from home and have a nanny for the first part of the day so I can work, but then I take care of my baby for the remainder of the day. He brings in much more than I do since I only work half a day, but this is how we run our household: baby comes first no matter what. If she’s having an easy day I may cook while she plays in her playroom next to the kitchen... but if she’s cranky or needy or she needs an outing then I won’t cook and hubby will either cook when he gets home or watch her so I can cook... we pretty much split it. We split who bathes her while the other cleans up after dinner. He insisted on a cleaning lady once a week for the deep cleaning so neither of us have to do bathrooms or mop.. for daily cleaning either the nanny vacuums at some point (we have dogs) or I do if it’s during the week, since I’m home. But vacuuming won’t generally occur after he gets home bc it’s just not that imp... the baby wants to see him and we have to get dinner on the table, bathe her and do bedtime so he and I can have our relaxing time. On weekends he might vacuum or I might do it.. whomever feels the house needs to be vacuumed. We both clean the kitchen on weekends after each meal or we may alternate. Everything is very even but there is no schedule... we are just mindful that we both work, and watching the baby is work, so we both take care of everything. We both prepare meals but it just sort of works out as to whom ends up doing it. He will rake leaves on weekends and if the baby is napping I might go join him if I have nothing to clean up inside. I don’t cut grass or do anything with cars... and he doesn’t really do anything with laundry other than occasionally helping me fold at night when we are watching a movie. He does put his folded clothes away so that’s also a huge help... but those are the only tasks we have actually divided (I don’t trust him with laundry or knowing what needs a stain remover applied prior to going in the wash). I think it’s easy for us bc he views taking care of our baby as a job just like his... Maybe it is bc we pay a lot to a nanny for just 4 hrs a day and he knows how much more it would cost to have her the entire day so maybe he sees it as me stepping into the job for half the day? I’m not really sure, but his mentality is that even though he makes a whole lot more than I do, ensuring the house and the baby are taken care of is both of our responsibilities. I will tell u this though, before we had our baby at one point he worked and I did not. So yes he did no cleaning and little cooking on weeknights... but once there’s a baby I think it’s different.. u have a job so it’s not unrealistic to expect the tasks will be split.

  • Danny C
    Oct 23

    That’s so tough, I know what you mean. Does your husband prefer to do certain tasks over others? Maybe you could split up tasks between you two based on preference. I am currently home with my 5 month old and my boyfriend and I have a mutual understanding that there’s not much I can get done other than taking care of baby throughout the day and maybe laundry. I don’t know, maybe I’m not very efficient but my baby is not willing to spend more than 5 minutes by herself while I do chores. My boyfriend does all the cooking and cleaning along with the handy work on our new place. He loves our baby and spending time with her but has a hard time taking care of her when she’s fussy so I take care of that part. With that said, he still steps in and helps with night time diaper changes and putting the baby back to sleep when I’m tired or having a hard time (which is often). I think with open communication, it’s possible to split up the work such that no body feels overwhelmed.

  • Amay
    Oct 24

    I have been a stay at home mom for almost 3 years. I have found that staying at home can be LONELY and repetitive and HARD! One thing that has helped me is to make sure that I have one Activity planned for the kids each day. Whether it be a project, activity, or an outing. Having something for them to do is key to my sanity. I write down a whole bunch of activities based on season, the kids interests and what they need help with. Then we do this together. It helps me not feel so bad to turn on the TV when i need to get other things done. I also try to pick just one or two chores to do for the day. Whether its clean the upstairs bathroom, vaccuum and mop, or fold a load of laundry. It helps me feel accomplished without feeling overwhelmed. Our schedule looks like this...wake up, free play or tv breakfast, free play/mom does a chore, planned activity, outside time, lunch, rest time/mom does a chore, snack, free play/husband home/ dinner. Hope this helps!!!

  • Lily
    Nov 11

    Remember you have been working on day too. My husband is home a lot because we are still in school, but I am the one who takes care of the baby and the house. I work as a nanny part time, with my baby. So when I get home from work(where I take care of 4 kids under 5) I make him take care of our baby while I make dinner. And don’t worry about the house, taking care of a baby, meeting all their needs and just getting dinner ready is very hard. Just enjoy the baby, and remember you are working 24/7, need some you time once in awhile

  • Lauren
    Nov 15

    I am a SAHM of a 7 month old. I do all the housework and take care of our child. Almost 7 years ago I a house wife and a student so I do what I did then for housework (bigger scale due to owning a house) and take care of our son. My husband tells me I need to relax more a day and nap which drives me nuts. He helps if I ask and has time with the little man when he gets home while I finish supper but usually I do everything but heavy yard work that can’t be done with a baby nearby.