Amy

Separate parenting issues

This would be my first post on here. Really hoping to get some real insight and advice.. my daughter who just turned 10 yrs, recently started seeing her dad again. He hasn't seen her in over a yr. Anyway, my daughter tells me he has been bad mouthing me to her and saying things that aren't true. Things like me using her against him (which isn't true) . I was actually the parent trying to reach out so she can have a dad in her life. Something I strongly believe every child should have. With a few exceptions I'm sure. But in my case, my daughter means everything to me and so does her well being. Anyway, my daughter asked that I not tell him anything. She’s afraid of what he might say. He asked her not to tell me. But the truth is it’s eating at me everyday. I don't want to lose my daughter's trust, it’s so important and will be as she ages. But I'm in the torn because I want to confront him. Can anyone plz provide any advice. Thank you in advance.

  • Kathryn
    Dec 11, 2018

    I grew up with divorced parents, so I was her. Honestly I wouldn’t confront him, it’s not good for her to see you fight if that ends up happening. I’d just tell her if she ever has questions about anything he says or brings up she can always ask you. That way she can handle it. My dad did the same thing, would always put down my mom and bring up past things. And me and my siblings usually just tuned it out when we were with him. And one day we’d each just snap and tell him to stop. We didn’t like it. My mom never badmouthed my dad or if she did it was very rare. The trust was there with her. So I’d say just let her know she can ask you anything and don’t bad mouth your ex. It sucks but for her sake, I’d say it’s best ❤️ whenever my mom tried to talk to my dad about things it’d just end in a fight and be suppper awkward for us kids, even if they didn’t fight around us. We could tell and feel it. Good luck ❤️

  • Connie
    Dec 11, 2018

    I agree with not confronting your ex. As hard as it is. Keep the communication open between you and your daughter. So she knows she can tell you anything. If he bad talks you to you handle it and don’t accept it. Keeping records and having her journal could very beneficial as she reaches the age of being able to choose who she wants to live with and possibly she could get supervised visits or not have to go if he gets worse! My ex is a piece of work shall we say. He has stopped bashing me for the most part (9 years later!)

  • Amy
    Dec 11, 2018

    Thank you both really :)

  • Vicki
    Dec 11, 2018

    Also, let her know that if he’s making her uncomfortable, it’s ok for her to say dad I don’t like to hear that stuff, can we talk about something else?

  • G Nat
    Dec 11, 2018

    If it’s not too hostile a situation, it may be helpful for you and your ex to enter into some parenting therapy together - learning co-parenting strategies. By not confronting your husband, you continue to put your daughter in the middle - she’s not responsible for keeping the peace between you and your ex. You don’t need to “say something” to your husband about it but if she’s just started seeing her dad again, you could couch it as “since we haven’t co parented in a while it may be useful “

  • anonymous mom
    Dec 11, 2018

    It’s definitely best not to confront your ex. He may change and stop being a jerk but most likely he won’t and he might confront your daughter about saying something to you and it will be real uncomfortable for your daughter when she’s with him. I like the idea of telling her that she can always come to you and discuss what her dad says and let her know she can always trust you. It continues to build trust between you and her and that’s what will ultimately makes the difference in her life, having a parent she can trust implicitly...not having a parent who fought with her dad because he said some lies about her. You should also document whenever she comes back and tells you these things and what your ex said just so you can demonstrate how many times he’s lied to your daughter while you remained the bigger person (in case he ever fights you for custody or something insane). Good luck, your daughter is so lucky to have such a thoughtful mama like you!! ❤️

  • Idyellez
    Dec 12, 2018

    Words don’t matter Actions do

  • Brianne
    Dec 12, 2018

    I think this is an opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal with difficult situations. Encourage her to speak her own mind to him and to continue being honest and trusting to you. She shouldn’t be afraid to speak up about her opinions around an adult speaking theirs. And even if he shuts her down she can have your reassurance to keep her confidence up..This will really help her when she gets to middle/high school too as thats when confidence can really take a beating. Also try to help her understand why he’s acting that way, even if it’s just “sometimes when people get hurt they retaliate with more hate, but we have to try to stay above that reaction” But breaking her trust could really damage y’alls relationship, so that’s probably a bad idea.

  • Angie
    Dec 14, 2018

    Hmmm, thats a tough one cuz you need to stop this but dont want to lose her trust. Try explaining to her that secrets are not to be kept between adults and children. Honestly, do you know if your ex is a narcissist? This sounds like behavior of a narc. I just recently permanently stopped communication and visitation with my childs father for many unhealthy reasons due to being a malignant covert narcissist and heavy drinker with multiple warnings but thats a story for another day. If he is a narcissist then this is only the beginning and it will get worse with lots of manipulation and gaslighting along the way. They are masters at trickery. Explain to her that family and especially adults and children don’t keep secrets, that its not safe and we only keep gifts as secrets. Then warn him if he speaks badly about you in front of your daughter .again then this might have to go to court. Now if he’s a narcissist then there is a different approach but nothing easy.

  • SWAGGERDAD
    Dec 14, 2018

    Hey, I think you should have a talk with him and when I say "talk "not about bad mouthing you but Have a conversation, by the looks of it he's hurting inside, that why he's bad mouthing you to his daughter. As a Man and a Father I don't agree with he's action, he's wrong for doing that and using his daughter against her mom. He thinks he's hurting you by bad mouthing you but little does he know he's hurting his daughter. I don't know how's the relationship between you and him is, but if y'all could sit down and have a conversation with him that can be a start. Talk about each other and how ya'll feel about each other and then talk about Family and co-parenting on how you both want to raise your daughter and if Y'all need to go to a family therapist like GNat suggested go. In the long run is your daughter that's going to be affected by all this. Hope he stop being childish and Man up already. Have a Bless day!