Posted in Money, Single Parents, Tough Topics

Single mom struggling.

Anonymous

Hi guys. I’m a single mom. I have SO much going on right now mentally that I feel like Such a mess. My daughters father was abusive so I worry about letting her see him. So far he’s been really distant with her but he says every once in a while that he wants to see her and of course my daughter wants everything to do with that. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t trust him. I’m also living at my parents house due to a past eviction and I have a decent job right now but I’m worried the business is crashing and if it does I’m terrified about what I’ll do because I lack the skills/ confidence it takes to get another job. My life is falling apart. I dream of buying a house for us and to be able to put her in sports or dance or art classes, whatever she’s interested in but at this point thinking about those things just makes it harder for me to cope. And I try to make it motivate me instead, but I’m just not feeling it. Like I mentioned above, I live w my parents, I give them 400$ a month to stay here and all the food I buy never lasts. Not to mention the toxicity in our relationship.. the list goes on and on. I just don’t know what to do. I have no friends and no energy. What do I do?

  • Anonymous
    May 26

    So I’m in no way an expert nor do I have experience in what you mentioned in your post... but I wanted to give you a few things to think about that maybe can help you a bit? Does your daughters father pay child support? Would you be willing to supervise these visits until you build some trust if that’s possible? There’s also a domestic violence hotline that you can call. Maybe call and ask for advice or additional resources for your case. As for the job... have a plan B. Keep your resume updated. If you have a decent job now it means you have skills!!! Be confident in that. You were able to land that job and keep it. If the business truly fails, remember that it’s ok to work an entry level job (retail, food service, etc) to keep you afloat while you search for a better job. I get that you have dreams to own a home and send your daughter for classes... just take it in baby steps. What do you mean by the food you buy never lasts? Do you not buy enough food? Do your parents just eat up everything you buy and notbuy their own food? How much do you spend a month for food? Is there anything that you can cut back on to save a little extra money each month? I get that you want to provide for your daughter... everything that she wants but remember that she can get exposure to art, sports, etc once she starts school through the school provided clubs. I don’t know how old your daughter is.. but just be patient if you can’t afford that now. She will get exposure to it thru public school system. I’m not saying to give that wish up completely but trying to offer some relief for you that it’s ok. You can make friends. What about coworkers? What about some old friends from school that you can reach out to? You can’t expect friends to come to you. You also need to make an effort. There’s an app called Peanut. It’s like a tinder for moms. Make some mom friends! Just take everything in baby steps. Set quarterly goals for yourself. Take some time to sit down and write out a plan. Tackle 2-3 goals per year and take baby steps towards them. The energy? Could it be health related why your energy is so low? I know being a mom is hard and I can’t imagine being a single mom... but I know that all moms are super human. Keep your daughter and plan in mind and gather up some energy!!

  • Anonymous
    May 26

    Thank you, sometimes I just get in these moods where I feel so hopeless but even just reading your response reminds me that I really have to work on my confidence.. my depression and anxiety causes me to be extremely forgetful/absent minded sometimes which in turn makes me feel like I’m not smart enough to move up. I can’t focus on anything and the thought of trying to make friends exhausts me... I have a really hard time trusting people and I have a bad habit of worrying too much about being likeable..Her father does not pay child support. And when he does see her I’m usually there with her.. there have been a few times though that I’ve had to leave her with him while I went to work and I was so anxious the whole time. So needles to say, I don’t make that an option anymore. I’ve tried talking to a counselor but I feel like I can’t connect with people anymore.. I was in an abusive situation for about 11 years... I left one and entered another :( but I’m free now. Just picking up the pieces and looking for advice :) so thank you, it means a lot to me.

  • Anonymous
    May 26

    It’s ok to get in these moods. It really helps me to write stuff down and look back on it. Helps keep your eyes and mind on the goal! And that’s what these kind of social apps are for.. for us to help keep each other up! So keep posting when you need help. When I became a mom, I lost a lot of friends since I’m the only one that has a child. People just stopped inviting me out or really talking to me. I made one good mom friend on Peanut and she has helped me so much! I get that it takes energy to put yourself out there to make friends... but in my opinion, you only need one really good one. And just be yourself. If someone doesn’t like you for you, then that friendship was doomed to fail and it would have taken more effort on your part to be someone you’re not. As long as you aren’t selfish, dishonest, and cruel... I think there’s someone out there that will want to be friends with who you truly are. Can you find a way to get that child support? It sounds like you’re the primary caretaker and that extra money would help you out with basic necessities for your daughter so at least the money you make from your job can be saved up for something nice for you and your daughter :) I don’t know how all that works though so.. hopefully someone on this app can pitch in about that!

  • Anonymous
    May 27

    If you consider putting him on child support, really weight the pros and cons. Putting him on support could piss him off and if he wants to fight for custody, it gives him every right. Can you attend community college? As a single mom myself, because of my financial situation, I was given enough financial aid that I didn't have to pay for much. If your job isn't enough to support your child, maybe start for a better one.

  • Janette
    Jun 09

    Speaking only my opinion and personal experience.. if he was abusive to you, he will be abusive to her. The energy level could be because perhaps u are struggling with narcissistic abuse syndrome. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like there is definitely a lot that has u feeling overwhelmed, my advice is to just do the next right thing.. even if it's just washing your face or planning what u will eat today.

  • Jessica
    Jun 12

    I’m in a very similar situation. Still living with my parents, but listen hon.... your #1 job is to keep your baby safe and if that means not involving the father then so be it. Also, just take it one day at a time and be sure to make time (even if only 5 mins.) to take care of you!!!

  • Anonymous
    Aug 10

    Hi, I think you’re in a tough situation but this can actually be a great thing. Thank goodness you have your parents around and right now you and your daughter have a stable home. I’m sure you’re paying less rent there than if you had your own place. Budget, and save as much as possible right now. Have you considered asking for child or spousal support? Are you not receiving because you want to main 100% custody? You need counseling/therapy. There’s a reason why you’ve been in two consecutive abusive relationships. You are worth so much, you’ve accomplished so much and I don’t think you’re seeing that. You have to work on yourself, because you’re raising a little girl; and the way you see yourself is the way she’ll see herself. You’re doing great, take it easy on yourself.