Posted in Child Care, Preschoolers, Toddlers, Tough Topics

This is not going to sound good.

Anonymous

This is so inappropriate, prejudicial, and likely sexist of me but I am having a really hard time. My daughters preschool (she’s 2.5) has hired a male teacher. They’ve done this before but the male teachers have always ended up in the older wing. They’ve hired one now for my daughters age group and I just don’t feel okay about it. I know, I know. I KNOW. but I’m still having a hard time. I guess I just don’t like the idea of a male teacher helping my daughter go to the bathroom or wiping her butt or whatever. I also was abused sexually by a close male relative as a child. I’ve done a lot of therapy and research since then and have learned that most abusers are close trusted family, friends, etc. I feel like a teacher falls in that category. How can I get over this? Or do I not get over it and request she be changed to a new room???

  • Kieli
    Jan 23

    You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, just request a new room or go to a new preschool. Ultimately she’s your daughter, you can’t be there to protect her every second and if it were me I’d rather be safe than sorry. Especially if you get creeper vibes around him or anything

  • Jess
    Jan 23

    She’s your child and I totally understand how you feel. However I have had a male daycare teacher and he ended up being the absolute best teacher. The kids adored him and he ended up sitting for LOTS of the parents. I would suggest meeting him. Also is he the only teacher in the room, Is their a women you would prefer take your daughter to the bathroom?

  • Amanda
    Jan 23

    One thing worth considering is that the male teacher was likely hired because he was the best candidate and has the best qualifications. I’ve known a lot of male teachers & caregivers in early education and they’ve all been WONDERFUL! They’re in the profession because they truly want to be.

  • Anonymous
    Jan 23

    As an early childcare educator and previous administrator and director of a school, what I recommend is observing the classroom and getting to know the male educator so you can feel good about leaving your child in the school’s care. You can ask your child open-ended questions about xyz and ask what teachers she likes and why. Never prompt your child by saying a teachers name... “did he take you to the bathroom? Did he touch you down there?” As it implies it was wrong and negative. Trauma is challenging and difficult and ever fluid, but the educator hasn’t done anything inappropriate and he was hired so you should give him the benefit of the doubt. What you could do is check out his status of teacher permit level to see his credentials which is public information if that helps alleviate your concerns.

  • Anonymous
    Jan 24

    Thanks everyone. Yes, I realize that females can be abusers as well. Statistically speaking, at a much lower rate than males but I know it happens. If I had run a background check on the male relative who abused me it would’ve been impeccable. An overall very trustworthy person on the surface, a medical doctor with a thriving practice full of patients who had wonderful things to say about him. A family with children and a wife who adored him. Not a single mark on his police record, he never even had a parking ticket. When I came forward and my parents confronted him on my behalf I was vilified and he was lifted up in our small town as the victim of lies. So anyway I just have a trust issue here. It’s not easy trusting anyone with my child and I wouldn’t be worried like this if my daughter were a little older and was able to communicate completely. I did go on to live a fairly normal life and after lots of therapy I am in a good place. I know that the school has done their due diligence and trusts that he’s the best person for the job. I am just having a hang up here. I will try talking to her director today and see what their overall plans are for the new teacher and find a way to explain to them that I don’t want her to permanently be placed with a male teacher until she’s older and can talk better.

  • Anonymous
    Jan 25

    Discrimination against a teacher based on their gender is not ok. If you want that kind of control, hire a nanny. I understand that you were abused, and it’s unfortunate that you have cast this male teacher in a negative light based on something that he hasn’t done, and has no control over.

  • Anonymous
    Jan 28

    Hey OP, I’m with you and I completely understand what you’re getting at. Background checks don’t stop the ones you truly need to worry about, and children stay silent more often than not. We labor under a system that protects predators and fails the predator’s victims. That’s the reality of it. Maybe what you’re really feeling is your gut instincts telling you that this guy is a creep. It’s worth looking into! I’d suggest doing my due diligence on the guy at the very least, and if it turns out you were wrong then the worst case scenario is that you were wrong, which beats being sorry. By miles. Sending you best wishes and hugs. I’ll be wondering how it all turns out for you and your daughter.

  • Anonymous
    Feb 05

    I totally get you. My mom didn’t trust anyone, not even my dad, not even my brothers, not even her own brothers and still some kind of abuse happened but from another kid on the block that was a little older (cof 14) than me at the time (cof 5). And it took a little more than one time for me as a 5 year old to understand why didn’t I wanted to go to their home with my cousins and brother to play with this kid. And it took me even longer to be able to tell my mom what happened. We are kids. We don't always understand what is what. And my mom always asked me if I ever felt uncomfortable about anyone or any situation. And at 5 you can already talk very well. I think it’s very hard to trust people with kids :( But I mean, trauma or not, follow your instincts and also understand where you are coming from (which to me seems like you do ;) and ask very nicely and with no explanation a change of room. No one can judge when it comes to protect your kid.

  • Shana
    Feb 10

    My feeling about this is, maybe this teacher is great but if you have this much stress about it, just ask to have your child moved. It isn't a judgement on this guy in particular, it is just what you need to feel safe during the day when your child is there. Yes, there are a lot of amazing male preschool teachers. But also yes trauma is real and it affects you. So just own that it affects you and do what you need to do to have a smooth path. I have never heard of a day care or preschool that wasn't absolutely full, and someone else will fill the spot.

  • Anonymous
    Feb 10

    Hi all, thanks again for everyone’s kind words and support. I ended up not having to talk to anyone because the day after the teacher was hired he quit, citing familial issues. I hope everything is okay with him. My daughter is more verbal daily and I will trust the people I leave her with more once she transitions up to preschool. If before then a male teacher is hired for her room I’ll request a room change. Thanks again.