Anonymous

When to take the decision

My husband doesn’t love me like he used to before having baby and we are thinking about our options, potentially being separated. It just scares me and I still love him

  • Phillip
    Oct 02, 2018

    Someone replied: "Teach your children that it's always best to be in situations where you are happy even if it means change." I would argue that, if he's willing to work on things, you should teach your children that there are things worth working on and fighting for. Happiness is a great goal, but (despite what many, especially in the US, seem to believe) it is not the ultimate purpose of life. And sometimes you have to work to achieve happiness.

  • Bukunmi Oladipo
    Oct 02, 2018

    The truth is this, almost all men cheat. But the important thing is to focus on the kids. I know it's very difficult to find out your partner is cheating but you have to always try make yourself happy. When you focus on your kids and happiness, its likely your husband have a change of heart. Some men are never satisfied with what they have. As long as the man does his responsibility as a father and husband, the rest will fall in place only if you are patient. There are so many temptations out there for men. As a wife, we can only pray for them. just my opinion

  • Mom
    Oct 02, 2018

    That is such a crock of bull ^. All men cheat? No-boys cheat. A real man who loves his wife and family will stay honerable and true to the family. Life is hard. It’s not a linear line that is always going up. The downs are illness, work, internal struggles with medical issues and depression, etc. But there is no room in a relationship for abuse or cheating. If any of you, husbands or wives, are going through this, just know it’s ok to get out. It’s not worth your health to stay with a cheating partner just bc you have children. Children deserve parents who love and value each other. Children learn about relationships from their parents. Be the best you can be, and if you’ve honestly tried and your parent has-then keep going. But if it’s all on your shoulders, you deserve to be happy and your children deserve to be happy. Life is too short. And some men and women decide they want to love a bachelor life forever.

  • Karla
    Oct 02, 2018

    Counseling is very beneficial. If communication is a difficult issue, then mediation is key. If you don’t have the finance to pay, perhaps seek a local church. There is a church on Woodruff and Carson who has a banner about couples counseling. Best of luck. I’ve wore both shoes. Ended a marriage because I couldn’t get past his infidelity. Now I’m re-married with a blended family and new baby. The adjustment was difficult but with counseling and our love, we are still going strong.

  • Heather
    Oct 02, 2018

    It is totally normal to fell a little distance from each other post baby what use to be you and him is now focused on baby. Things can especially difficult if baby is fussy. You have to take some time for just the two of you. Go on a date and have someone watch baby or after baby is asleep set up an at home date with some fondue or a favorite food. Use the baby monitor and sit on the back porch and just talk and drink.

  • Stephanie Shirley
    Oct 02, 2018

    I am so sorry to hear this, and I might be too late in saying anything. Like one other person said, if you go to a church you may be able to get free counseling there. I know our church does, but I have no idea where you live. Babies (heck pregnancy alone), makes it hard for as many intimate moments to happen and it naturally will cause strain on the relationship. I highly encourage you to try and make it work IF both are still willing to see any hope. It's not just about the child, your relationship should still come first. If things are definitely over, I still encourage you to seek counsel because you'll be grieving a loss of a very emotionally/physically/spiritually bonded relationship. Or at the very least wise friends. Praying for you if that means anything to you :)

  • Peter
    Oct 02, 2018

    It is normal to have waxing and waning in a relationship. This is especially true after having a baby. I worry you are looking for "permission" to end it. Think of your baby first. Get some relationship counseling.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    Yeah... no. If he cheats, we're done. Point blank.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    And I know a lot of people are throwing around the "think of the baby" card so just going to put it out there, my parents divorce was the best thing they could have done for me. I've watched several families stay together for the kids, little do they know the kids are miserable and wish they would stop.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    I’m not the original poster (just an observer) I wanted to say that I left someone who cheated on me once. He admitted it was a mistake and he said he loved me. I left anyway because I thought it was best to end things that weren’t good enough for him. Now over ten years later I still think about my prior relationship all the time and I regret leaving him without trying to make things work more. It is a difficult and very personal decision whether to stay in a relationship. I don’t know the right thing to do but don’t feel like you have to leave if you don’t want to. At least if you work on it you will be less likely to have regrets later.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    I view my relationship like this: we have a "love bank" and in the 6 years we were together (unmarried) prior to getting pregnant, we were very happy and made a lot of "deposits" through words, actions, and compassion. Getting pregnant was unplanned and because we come from two cultures (with his being ultra conservative) this presented a larger issue with his parents. As a result, we both had to pull from our "love savings" to get through the 9 months and the first half of my son's first year of life. I had to remind myself often that letting a relationship go that had otherwise been so fruitful and loving (and I also thought of leaving when he showed no interest in me or our son) was not in any of our best interest. It has started to return to normal and my partner is now inseparable from our son. My relationship will not be all highs; we've had a lot of lows but we've always managed to come back together and continue to make our "love deposits." I wish you the best!

  • Jeska
    Oct 02, 2018

    I'd recommend looking into local universities or other "sliding scale" offices for reduced cost couple's therapy - sometimes it's not as expensive as you'd like (and far cheaper than divorce!) -- for example in San Francisco, the Well Clinic offers sliding scale couples counseling. Could be worth looking into.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    Ladies and gentlemen! You have to both fight for your relationships . when things get tough , it is God’s way of teaching you something and getting you ready for the next phase . If you run , it will still come back to you ‘ probably even worse than before. Because you did not let the training provided to you take place .

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    ^not everybody believes in God and while one should fight for their relationship, there is nothing wrong with leaving an unhealthy one.

  • Anonymous
    Oct 02, 2018

    Thank you for each of your responses. I want to fight and I believe we are together for a good reason and staying together is the best option for our family. Difficult part is that he is like a wall, saying that nothing can’t be done. I truly believe he is not feeling well and took this decision thinking that this I the most pragmatic thing to do.

  • Brian
    Oct 02, 2018

    Good for you... keep the faith. My wife also said there was no hope. That was in July we are still together. We have come to grips with her actions and mine and have agreed for the sake of our relationship and son we will try to fix things. We have both agreed to accept whatever outcome, but I will say when dealing with someone who is a bit ambivalent towards you it may be best to just let it ride and not discuss it for a while. I realized I let romance slip from my relationship, so instead of fighting about why we should be together I just started to write her notes and get her little cards. She is happier and we aren’t fighting. We even have a date set up in November. My point is things may look dark now, but remember it is always darkest right before the light. I wish you luck and feel your pain because I and many others are dealing with the same situation. Find solace in knowing you are not alone...

  • Gia
    Oct 03, 2018

    My heart aches for you, know you are not alone. Countless women are going through the same transition-from just two of us to us plus baby...but above all it’s important to know thy self. What do you want? What is valuable to you? If your marriage and relationship is valuable than work on it and give it everything you’ve got (however if the relationship is unhealthy and abusive and puts your and your baby’s life In danger, GET OUT) but it takes two to tango. You can’t ride a dead horse...let him know your intentions. If you want this to work then tell him so and what you can do to encourage change...if counseling is too expensive, seek a local church, if that’s not possible, there are counseling tools on a bible app call YouVersion which are free...or search on YouTube videos for couples therapy or marriage seminars, if he is willing to work with you and wants the same thing than there is hope, but you can’t make someone do what they are not willing to do and if that is the case you have to ensure that your mental state is in a good place to be any good for your baby. For you I don’t know what that looks like but COMMUNICATION is key. If you feel you are not brave enough, think about the baby and be brave for him/her. Know that you are valuable, you are worth loving and you deserve to be treated with respect. May you find peace in your decision.

  • Gina
    Oct 04, 2018

    I feel like it is normal in a relationship because you are so used to it being just the two of you and then when another person comes along especially a baby it throws everything out of wack. I pretty much felt how your husband did towards my fiance. It was mainly because we really let our relationship go since we put so much focus on our little girl instead of on us. I tried but he didn't seem like he wanted to focus on us and just wanted to do things as a family so eventually we just drifted apart. He also didn't really understand the concept of how a real family operates since I guess he was bought up differently than me so we had a lot of issues back and forth concerning our daughter and the time we spend with her. I will say communication is definitely the key and it was something that we didn't really have - we texted a lot but we never actually had deep talks and I always considered him as being hard to talk to so that made me not want to communicate but one day we just hashed everything out and now we have come to an understanding and we are doing a little better these days and trying to focus on us by having date nights :)

  • Anonymous
    Oct 07, 2018

    He is open to leave me a chance but doesn’t know if his feelings can change. What would you do to convince him to stay and love me again??? He doesn’t want to know therapy

  • Momof1
    Oct 07, 2018

    I would figure out what makes him feel loved. It could be thanking him more even for the things he does everyday or it could be telling him you love him more or perhaps more romance massages etc. to make him feel loved. He might appreciate a small gift or thank you message every so often. It might also be helpful to go out for dinner and talk about things. Sometimes things get more heated in private then in public. Hope that helps!