How to Handle Bullying in Preschool

The word “bully” is often associated with tweens and teens but does pop up in the world of daycare and preschool from time to time. Three and four-year-olds may not have the same awareness of their behavior or the self-control that an older child may have, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t steps you can take to curb aggressive behavior in the toddler years. 

Overview

• What is bullying?
• Can preschoolers be bullies?
• Why do kids bully?
• Is my kid a bully?
• What to do if you think your child is being bullied
• What to do if you think your child is a bully

What is bullying, anyway?

The word bully is defined as: seeking to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable). This definition infers that the bully has a level of awareness or intentionality behind the behavior. The bully has identified someone as vulnerable and has targeted them to tease, push around, or be aggressive towards.

The aggression can be verbal, physical, or emotional. Bullying can also take the form of social exclusion- intentionally leaving another child out of the group. Bullying generally involves a power imbalance; there is the bully and the child being bullied. The roles rarely reverse. Also, bullying tends to be a series of acts repeated over time. It isn’t just an isolated incident; it’s a pattern of intentional behavior designed to assert dominance over another person to cause them distress or even harm. 

Can preschoolers be bullies?

The answer to whether preschoolers can be bullies isn’t black and white-— there are some definite shades of grey there. Preschoolers generally lack the impulse control to control their behavior and reactions fully. What looks like bullying (biting, hitting, pushing) may not necessarily be intentional. A toddler or preschooler engaging in aggressive behavior may be doing so out of frustration or may not have the communication skills to get their point across. Reactionary behavior is different than intentionally hurting another child to assert dominance over them.   

This doesn’t give young children a pass to hurt others. Additionally, it doesn’t mean that aggressive toddler behavior can’t eventually turn into bullying, which is why it is important to address "pre-bullying" behaviors when they first crop up. 

Why do kids bully?

The reasons older children become bullies are a bit more nuanced. Still, it is usually related to the lack of social and communication skills necessary to navigate friendships in the early years. It can also be learned behavior if the child is the baby of the family and their older siblings tease or exclude them.

Preschoolers have the foundation for empathy, but genuinely understanding how your behavior affects someone else—true cognitive empathy, doesn’t develop until later in childhood. Preschoolers are often acting on impulse and may not even realize that what they are doing or saying can hurt another child’s feelings. 

My kid is “the biter”— is he a bully?

Nobody wants their child to be the one biting or hitting, but this behavior is somewhat common when it comes to toddlerhood and early preschool years. The good news is that they are still young enough to turn it around before it becomes a real issue. 

When it comes to challenging behaviors, it’s helpful to look for the function of the behavior and help the child find more acceptable ways to meet that need.

For example, if you notice that every time you go to the playground with your child, he pushes another child while waiting for the slide. They may be pushing out of frustration— it’s hard for little people to wait their turn. 

Staying close to your child and helping them occupy their time while they’re waiting can help, so can encouraging them to go to another area and come back to the slide when there aren’t as many children waiting for it. 

Usually, redirecting a child or offering them alternatives helps curb challenging behavior, but occasionally, a little more investigation is needed. For example, is it happening at a transition time when there isn’t much structure, or is it right before lunch and they’re low on patience because they’re hungry? Asking yourself these questions can help you pinpoint what might be going on and how to fix it. 

What to do if you think your child is being bullied

No parent likes to see their child upset. If you think your child is being bullied at preschool or daycare, it’s best to talk about it with your child’s teacher. 

• Describe what you’re seeing or what your child is saying. If your child used to love school and suddenly doesn’t want to go because they’re saying someone is hitting them, mention it to their teacher. She may know exactly what you’re referring to and likely is already working with that child to help them manage their feelings without hitting. 
• Ask if there is a plan in place. You can ask your child’s teacher or provider how they handle challenging behaviors like hitting and biting or what steps are being taken to ensure the children aren’t getting hurt. It’ll likely reassure you to hear that they are actively working on it and what exactly they’re doing.
• Talk to your child about how to stand up for themselves. For example, teaching them to say things like “stop, I don’t like that” when a friend is doing something they don’t like or encouraging them to tell a grown-up when someone is bothering them can empower them and help build their confidence. 

What to do if you think your child is a bully

• Talk to your child's teacher about what they are doing to support your child through this phase while keeping the other children safe.
• Partner with the teacher or provider to use similar language at home and at school. Find out if your child's teacher uses any special phrases at school like, "hands are not for hitting".  The more consistent the messaging is, the more helpful it will be for your child. 
• Help your child start to recognize and label their emotions, which is a difficult task for a preschooler. Saying things like "I see you stomping your feet and screaming, you must be mad", will help children start to recognize their emotions and take ownership of them. This is the first step toward helping them manage their feelings.
• Rely on books! There are so many great books about kindness and empathy, you don't have to reinvent the wheel here. Sometimes seeing their feelings reflected in a book helps kids make connections. 

Resources to help teach empathy and stop bullying before it starts 

There are lots of great children’s books that help children learn to manage their feelings and recognize the feelings of others. From more practical books like “hands are not for hitting” to more complex stories about feelings, here are some of our favorites.  

 Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi Ph.D. and Marieka Heinlen

A Little SPOT of Empathy: A Story about Understanding and Kindness by Diane Alber 

 The World Needs More Purple People by Kristen Bell and Benjamin Hart


The ABC's of Kindness by  Patricia Hegarty and Summer Macon