Christine Hernandez
Early childhood educator, writer, and mother. Your friendly neighborhood guide to all things parenting.
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a common developmental stage and generally isn’t a cause for alarm. Some children begin to show signs of separation anxiety in infancy, typically between the ages of four and seven months old. This is when babies develop object permanence, the awareness that their caregivers still exist even when they are out of sight. Separation anxiety also tends to pop-up again when parents return to work or children head off to daycare or preschool. Although separation anxiety can be troubling for children (and parents), there are some things you can do to help.
Tips for managing separation anxiety during drop-off
Get ahead of it
A few weeks before your child is going to start daycare or preschool, begin to talk about the transition. Take a trip to the daycare or school they’ll be attending. Even if you can’t go inside or tour because of COVID-19 safety policies, it is still helpful for your child to see where they will be going. If your child has not had much experience separating from you, start practicing. See if a partner or family member can stay with your child while you go run a quick errand so they can get used to you leaving and returning. There are also lots of books to read in advance of the separation to help your child conceptualize what it will be like. Some of our favorites are:
Give them a transitional object
Whether it’s a picture of their family or a scarf that smells like you, it is helpful for some children to have something they can hold or look at when they’re missing you throughout the day. Check with your child’s provider about what kinds of things are okay for your child to bring to school with them, as they may have policies about toys or stuffed animals, etc.
Help them understand when you’ll be back
Young children don’t have a well developed sense of time. To help them conceptualize when you’ll be back to get them, speak in terms they’ll understand. Something like “I will be back right after snack time” or “see you after nap time” can make the abstract concept of time more concrete.
Have a quick, cheerful goodbye ritual
It’s easy to be tempted to linger a little longer when your child is screaming and clinging to your leg, but it can make things worse in the long-term. If you stay as a result of their meltdown it reinforces the behavior and your child will continue doing it. Similarly, if you are uneasy about leaving your child may pick up on it. The best way to handle a child clinging to you at drop off is with a short, predictable goodbye routine:
- Have a special phrase or action that you do every time at drop off. Something like “ see you later alligator” or giving them a fist bump. Something comforting and predictable that allows your child to internalize “okay this is what my grown-up does before they leave and they always come back”.
- Sometimes parents think it’s easier to sneak out once their child is occupied. While this may avoid the meltdown at the door, it is confusing and doesn’t help your child in the long run. Always say goodbye.
Lean on your childcare provider
Don’t feel weird about calling your provider once you get to work to ask if your child has calmed down. It is reassuring to know that the tears don’t last all day and your child is happy and having fun. Your provider may also have some helpful tips to help you and your child manage separation anxiety.
Give it time
Once your child realizes separating from you isn’t so scary and that you always come back, the tearful goodbyes should stop. Like most parenting struggles, separation anxiety feels overwhelming when you’re in the thick of it, but this too shall pass. More than likely, your child will eventually run happily into daycare and dramatic drop-offs will be a thing of the past.
If your child continues to struggle with separation anxiety for more than the first few weeks, or you have other concerns about their development, it doesn’t hurt to bring it up with their pediatrician.
