How Parents and Providers Can Talk to Children About School Shootings

In recent years there have been an increased number of school shootings, with 2024, 2023, 2022, and 2021 all setting records. These horrific acts of violence cause unimaginable grief and fear for parents, teachers, and children. Parents and caregivers also have to shoulder the burden of explaining events like this to their children. 

You may be wondering how to talk to children about gun violence in schools, or whether you should bring it up at all. How you have these kinds of conversations as a lot depends on your child. Although the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics don’t recommend bringing up conversations about gun violence until around age 8, not everyone has the privilege of being able to wait that long. If you are directly affected by the incident, or you are worried your child will hear about it from someone other than you, it may be best to bring it up so you have more control over what they’re hearing. 

For every age group, it's important to first check-in with your own emotions and feelings around the traumatic event. Our children look to us for comfort and guidance, and while it's certainly okay to show emotion, we also want to model how to appropriately manage and cope with our feelings. You may want to do some processing of the event on your own ahead of time, so your conversation with your child can be as reassuring for them as possible. 

How to talk to preschoolers and young elementary-aged children 

It’s important to keep conversations with our youngest children simple and in terms they can understand. What exactly you choose to share may depend on your values, or what you feel is important for them to know. You can tell them that someone who was very angry hurt people, or something similar. You don’t need to go into detail, and it’s important to reassure your child that they are safe and you are there to care for them. You can also choose to highlight who the helpers are in the situation, and talk about the heroes of the story. 

As much as we may want to keep the news on during times of tragedy, to stay in the loop with what is going on, it isn’t the best for children. Children often have trouble understanding what is happening on the news. They see disturbing images and since they don’t have a good sense of what’s near or far, they may think the incident is happening close to home. Also, news stories often repeat throughout the day and children don’t necessarily understand that it is the same incident being replayed. They may think the shooting is happening again every time the story plays. So, it is really best to keep the TV off and young children away from the news if possible. 

Older elementary-aged children

When talking to older children, it’s important to have an idea of how much you want them to know and how you’re going to explain it to them. Children at this age may not be content with a one-sentence summary and may ask more probing questions. As much as you can anticipate their questions and plan how to respond ahead of time, the better. Let them know that you are here for them and will always answer any questions they have. Use this opportunity to reassure your child that you are a safe space for them to express any worries or concerns they have. 

You still will want to keep older children away from the news coverage. Not every family has the opportunity to shield their children from violence, but it is best to keep your children away from the disturbing images being shown in the media. 

There are also books that can help guide the conversation. The “A Kids Book About” series, has a book on school shootings for ages 5+. It reassures children that these events are rare, but empowers them to express their emotions surrounding the events. 

Tweens

You may decide to bring up shooting with your child if they are between the ages of 11-13 by asking them what they’ve heard. Chances are they have overheard teachers at school, or friends on the bus talking about the shooting and may already have questions. 

You may want to ask them how they are feeling about the shooting and let them guide the conversation. Offer them as much reassurance as possible, and offer them coping strategies. You can also read A Kids Book About School Shootings with them, as it is geared towards children of all ages and is simple enough not to overwhelm them. 

Teens

Teens are more likely to want to do something. At this age, they are starting to form their own opinions about social justice and are developing their value system. You may explore different ways to impact change alongside your teen. Help them know that it’s okay to be angry but there is a productive way to harness that emotion into action. 

No matter how old your children are, it is important they understand that although these events are incredibly tragic, they are still rare and you are there to keep them safe. If your child seems overly anxious or is having a hard time coping, please reach out to your pediatrician for guidance.