Posted in Marriage & Partnership

Husband is not fair when it comes to my family (his inlaws). doesn't want to go counselling or fix

Anonymous

I need your advice on how to fix my marriage and how knowing that my husband is not willing to go for counselling and that i really want to fix it, we have been married for 10 years. Please be patient with my long post. My husband has always been the type of husband who expects me to do it all; all house chores laundry cooking etc., drop offs-pick ups of kids, putting them to sleep and even teaching them stuff/checking homework, i'm also responsible for doctor appointments, etc. I have to add that I moved here to this country all by myself, i had nobody else expect for him and his family and all my side of family is abroad. He didn't encourage us going to visit my family back there and said they can always come visit. so within our 10 years of marriage we only went twice one for my sister's wedding and the second time when my dad bought us tickets and reserved a resort vacation for us (including his parents!) as a gift. i always felt that he was unwelcoming to my family eventhough i was always very involved with his family. All holidays we have spent with his family, never went to my family on those holidays just to make him happy. I always put him and his feelings first, and was waiting till a day comes that some of my family might move here and then he would appreciate what i always did and be nice to my family. Also my family including my sister had hosted his parents (who are originally from our country) back home everytime they went home on vacation, and drove them places, all of that my parents did so his parents here would be nice to me. That day came, and my sister had a scholarship and i told her she can come live with us for 5 months then move out, i hardly convinced him, and then when my sister came he started making up all these fights and accusing my sister of causing them. My sister was helping out with baby sitting, cleaning and cooking, and he still complained. And his mom started talking to me about how her family when they moved here they didn't appreciate how she got them to the UK and how they took advantage of her ( and i know that she might be filling my husband's head with thoughts that my sister is here to take advantage of us). One day I told him that i wanna plan a vacation for us to go back home sometime soon and he said no i have a work trip in 2 months and don't have any available vacation, so that work trip came and i helped him prepare for it. He left and only called us like once a day (at that time his parents and sister were abroad for vacation). I was having a hard time reaching him; everytime i call his phone is out of service then i accidentally found out from Google location that he is in a different country! not at his work location he mentioned. he confessed to me one day before he comes back that he is on vacation with his family and that he is sorry for lying but that it's ok because i was with my sister already not alone!. I was shocked that he lied for months about this trip, and that he actually denied me a trip to my family that i haven't seen for 2 years. I felt that all those years I made sacrifices for someone who didn't appreciate it. I asked him to talk to my dad, he refused. I told my dad to interfere, so my dad called his parents, his parents were like "so what, he didn't go cheat on her, he was on vacation with his family" and they accused my sister of being the reason of stirring my marriage. My husband then completely became rude with my sister, she moved out and he asked that she'd never come back to my house and said he'll kick her out if she does. then at this point he never calls my family and never wants me to have my sister over or see her. My sister lives all alone and she offered dinners invite and i told him but he keeps rejecting while still claiming that he loves me and accuses me that all I care about is my sister and not him and the kids. My family are accused of trying to ruin my marriage and he doesn't want them a part of our life, while his demon family continues to be a part of our. While I still go with him to visits to his family as if nothing happened. I'm so hurt that i can never have holidays with my family and it's all with him and his family, he says go ahead if you wanna go to your family, but i'm embarassed of going to my parents without him, it doesn't feel right and feels unfair to be denied that right. I still go visit my sister but it's just me without him, and he always finds a reason to fight about it. I feel unfairly treated and hurt. I go to therapy and told him to come with me to a counselor and he said no, i told him to get books, he got a book and never read it. told him that we should do therapy at home using the book, he put it on the calendar then never did. I feel that he doesn't put any effort into fixing our relationship or helping me feel better, eventhough i told him so many times how much this hurts me seeing how he doesn't compromise. not sure what to do. i'm clueless, i know he loves me, he keeps trying to make me happy by taking me out to restaurants and doing things that i like, and now he helps alot more with the chores, but that's not making me happy either, we are not fixing our core problems, we can't communicate to resolve our core issues, and everytime i try he to talk about it he says i'm not forcing you to come visit my parents. I can't have a family who is isolated from grandparents, i want both sides to be involved. and if we can't communicate or go therapy to make us communicate, how are we ever going to fix our problems?? Another thing, is that he never shared his phone password, or bank account or email account while i share all of that. He uses my bank account to pay all of our bills except for mortgage and daughter's daycare that he pays from his account. His reason for not sharing any of that is that he doesn't like how i look into his stuff (which i did a long time ago) and that he uses his accounts for his family's business stuff. I feel so isolated from him and that his family (parents and siblings) are his first priority not me. we have 2 kids, and i invested too much in this marriage and don't want to let go, and he is a great father and the kids feel it everytime they see me crying . This drama is affecting everything, i am mentally exhausted and always crying, everytime i see a wife with her husband and her family it makes me cry. it's even affecting my work. i am very successful at my job and don't want to lose it either.

  • Jenna
    Nov 05

    There are so many red flags here No offense but he sounds awful

  • HR
    Nov 09

    Agreed. This guy isn’t taking you seriously, and he will keep acting like this. It’s entirely possible he won’t stop, either. Even if he won’t go to a counselor with you, it’s important you go regardless. The counselor would be able to help you figure out what to do next.

  • Lindsey
    Nov 15

    To be honest, he sound very self-centered. And that's being nice about it. I am not trying to be rude, but after reading all of that I just can't find a single good thing about him. You deserve so so so much better. Many thoughts come to mind: 1. Why do you have to do everything? Is he not your life partner and father of your children? I dont care if you're a stay at home mom and he works for the income. At least with a normal job you have an end time each day. Parenting never ends and neither does housework. He is not above it and that is totally archaic and unfair of him. 2. You are his wife.... what does he mean he doesn't like you looking into his bank account stuff? Gonna go out on a limb here and say the reason would be he is hiding something from you. 3. You are not allowed to go see your family and now your sister isn't even allowed to come see you? Does he think you are his property or a slave and he is all mighty god and can just do whatever he wants with absolutley no regards to your feelings? Taking you out to eat is not showing love or caring. It may be in other relationships but in this scenario, no. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. 4. Who the hell lies about going on vacation with family while simultaneously depriving you of a partner, coparent, and also seeing your own family. I believe you said at the time though your sister was there? And in his head that made it all okay? He sounds like a narcissist and he's only able to do this if you allow him to get away with it. I'm sorry to sound harsh or judgemental but, man. His actions didn't give me another choice haha. You sound like a wonderful person who doesn't understand her own worth. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of putting up with this. The real answer is in him refusing to go to therapy with you and to work on your relationship together. How else can you take that other than he just doesn't care enough? That's all that needs to be said. I wish you the best.